Glucose
“Everything in science has to do with glucose and sex. And squirrels, but that's a given.”
“And you thought crack was bad.”
“All that carbony goodness.”
“Glucose is a sin.”
Regarded by many as the perhaps the best abstract artist and smooth jazz musician on Earth and Proxima Centauri, Glucose rose from relative obscurity to become a master artist and saxophonist, although he lost six carbons and a hydrogen in the process.
Early Life[edit]
Born in 55 BBY to the Emperor of Swaziland and Mrs. Rogers, Glucose was abandoned as a child by his heavily milk-addicted parents near the River Tiber, where he was discovered by a she-wolf and raised to early childhood. He was soon after discovered by a jazz musician, who ate the she-wolf and sold Glucose into child labor for money, where it was discovered he could be harnessed for energy. Glucose was then adopted by a teenager named Adam. Adam had a strong love for Glucose and he spent every day with him. Glucose was then imprisoned by the US government, beaten, forced to listen to "It's a Small World After All" and to play Yoshi's Story until he finally allowed himself to surrender. When Adam found this out he was heart broken and went on a never ending search for his adopted child. He was then cloned and injected into every human being on Earth as a method of illictly monitoring their sex lives, much to the amusement of the CIA, who held popcorn parties while watching poorly done sex moves.
Rise to Fame[edit]
Initial Failure[edit]
Glucose was released afterward into the sewers of Berlin, where Adolf Hitler was coincidentally forming an alliance with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles in the midst of World War II. Hitler, however, could care less about a floating mass of carbon, hydrogen, and oxygen, and in fact has nothing to do with this story. Glucose, after escaping from the sewers, decided to become a smooth jazz musician. After learning the sopranotenoralto saxophone, he recorded an album with the Ficken Sie diese Scheiße Label, an important milestone in Glucose's career. Unfortunately for him, the album was destroyed in a freak fishing accident involving a Ford Explorer, a pack of angry pirahnas, and the Star Fox team. Glucose, depressed took to selling his carbon atoms for money, and soon he had lost six carbons before he was picked up off the street by Robo-Picasso.
Success in the Art World[edit]
Robo-Picasso schooled Glucose in the dark arts of abstract painting, routinely tossing paint cans at his head and occasionally attempting to eat him. Nonetheless, Glucose managed to learn his trade and, after surpassing Robo-Picasso, beat him to death with a rubber chicken
Soon, Glucose painted his first painting, "Blue", which received mass critical and financial success around the world, making Glucose over 2,000,000,000 marks. A crack addict regarded it as, "Psychedelic.", and Robo-Van Gogh and Robo-Da Vinci agreed that "Blue" was the best thing since sliced bread, while Rodimus Prime wondered who invented sliced bread in the first place anyway. After this success, Glucose decided to move to the United States to continue his artistic career. There, he painted "Godzilla in Swedish Sunrise", "The Death of Mr. Rogers", and "Green". All these paintings met similar success, and soon Glucose was the richest molecule the world had ever seen, being lavished with sex, drugs, and adenosine triphosphate. Soon, he married Fructose and had a child with her, Sucrose, but she divorced him when she discovered he was having an affair with Galactose. Nonetheless, Glucose's fame and career continued to skyrocket.
The Fall and Return of Glucose[edit]
Red[edit]
Glucose's career was at its height when he decided to undertake the final piece of his "Colors" trilogy - "Red".
However, "Red" met with complete failure, and his career was finished. Indeed, Mr. Rogers described it as, "A piece of fucking crap! And I'm not dead, bitch!" and Adolf Hitler said that, "Dieses saugt meinen Hahn!" Soon Glucose was banished from the planet Earth to Proxima Centauri, where he spent the rest of his life trying to create a needle large enough to put a camel through.
Musical Career[edit]
Yet he soon returned to his old painting ways and painted his final masterpiece, "Orange", though the painting was destroyed by a mob of angry Romanian schoolchildren. He continued gaining fame on the planet, and he eventually took up smooth jazz again, releasing the album "Ballad of Raccoon Tail v. Super Mario Cape", which met with a fairly good commercial response, but critics panned the album as a piece of flaming crap. Nevertheless, he ignored the critics and recorded his next album, "Race with Stalin on Ukrainian Highway", which featured famed guest artist Severus Snape on electric kazoo on the title track. This album met a far better critical and commercial response, with Cookie Monster saying, "Mmmmm, tastes like cookie!!!", and a toaster claiming it had helped him with his sex life.
Encouraged by all these successes, Glucose began recording his third album, assembling some of the finest musicians from Proxima Centauri and Earth to record with him, including Optimus Prime on ukelele, Mario on electric ocarina, CATS on electric bass clarinet, Mickey Mouse on quintuple-necked guitar, and Megatron on glass drums. Unfortunately, the album was plagued with production problems, with Optimus Prime and Megatron constantly battling for control of Autobot City, Mickey Mouse routinely getting laid by whores, and Mario getting high on 'shrooms. To make matters worse, CATS would attack Glucose, shouting, "All your hydrogen are belong to us!" The self-titled album, "Glukose", was finally completed 12 years later, but the dismal quality of recording, and the general crappiness of the entire CD caused the album to flop on its ass, both commercially and critically, although it has gained popularity in recent years among a cult of squirrel-worshippers. Soon, Glucose's band broke up, and he retired to the island Sans Seriff.
Glucose's Legacy[edit]
Glucose's departure marked the end of the Golden Age of smooth jazz, much to the happiness of many billions of humans, cyborgs, and assorted aliens. On the other hand, his presence in the art world is sorely missed. Mr. Rogers apologized, "All right, maybe I am dead...", and CATS spoke of his old bandmate as a "good artist, but a fucking crappy musician. He did make a good dinne... I mean a good friend." Glucose currently enjoys punting prepubescent children across football fields and playing Centrifugal Bumblepuppy with his neighbors Kirby, Big Bird, and Rodimus Prime. Sadly Adam never did find Glucose and eventually wen crazy and moved into a jungle to live alone.