Gas tungsten arc welding
“This may be the most fun one can have with a mask!”
Gas tungsten arc welding is just one of many exciting possibilities in the glorious world of welding. It uses a nonconsumable tungsten electrode to produce a quite fascinating thingumy made of metals all stuck together in a sort of tungstenny mass, but without the excess residue, embarrassment or shame of ordinary welding.
The common view of the general public, by which I mean that large group of generalised unwashed people who count for such things, and of whom I may truthfully count none as my friends - gas tungsten arc welding is not as interesting as going to discos and playing loud music on illuminated stereophonic devices. But to these people, it has to be said, "fiddlesticks", and perhaps even "fiddlesticks with knobs welded on", for in actuality and reality, there is nothing quite as interesting, and dare I say it, erotic, on God's goodly earth, as welding with gas.
Now, I raised the thorny issue of sex there, and I did so with serious purpose of mind. For it has to be said that gas tungsten arc welding is almost like sex in every way, except without all that heavy panting and tongues and squelching. Some people, you should know, actually prefer welding to sex. Grown men can find real passion with a rod of tungsten, some gas and an arc. And that, my friend, there is nothing weird about. Maybe you think there is. If so, please remember.... gas tungsten arc welding can also be used to make bombs.
Normal welding
Now, before we get on to the peak of excitement that is and always will be gas tungsten arc welding, allow me to briefly state what is already gripping about welding in general, as it is commonly used here on earth - for I am sadly not in a position to comment on its use on other planets.
Welding is most commonly used to stick lumps of metal on to other assorted things, until an even bigger, harder and more exciting metallic lump is formed. These bigger lumps, known in the trade as "bigger lumps" are
frequently welded together into lumps the size of, well to draw an analogy with the horse, small horses, which are known in the trade as "horsey sort of lumps". These lumps are themselves almost sexual, except not horsey-sexual because that is sadly illegal except in Kansas.
Still, should the mood take one, it is perfectly natural to want to continue welding away at these lumps until you get something bigger, harder and really really exciting, almost orgasmic in a way, such as a ship or a building. But don't stop there! Keep on going, welding through the night while the losers sleep, until the entire world is, yes, welded together. Oh, my....
Ok, breath in slowly, because you 'aint seen nothin' yet. It's time for the main event...
Gas Tungsten welding
Sex. Sex sex sex sex sex. AND ... welding. These things are the same. That is to say: there is a very very thin line between gas tungsten arc welding and sex. The line is so thin that as soon as you stroke it, it practically dissolves into a soft, yielding and gooey mess. Anyone teasing this mess with their finger is likely to find that such movement only adds to the confusion in their brain, causing a kind of pleasant sensation in the medulla oblongata, which throbs like a space hopper and then everything kind of gets out of focus and then .... and then... just about .... NNnnnnnnnnnoowwwwww, ooh yes. Tungsten!! Yes. Sorry. Where was I?
Ah, yes, there's a thin line between gas tonguesten arse welding and sex.
Let's look at some of the overflaps. The gas tungsten process grants the operator, that is the welder or person "operating" his tool, a greater degree control over the weld than competing procedures, such as sellotape. This allows for stronger, faster, fitter and more athletic welds. Even ardent fanatics will claim that taking it slowly often prolongs the excitement. And if you weld slowly, then when it is done the ultimate satisfaction of release can be so much more rewarding for both for the welder and his or her partner.
And this of course only adds to the confusion in the brain, causing a kind of pleasant sensation in the medulla oblongata, which throbs like a space hopper and then everything kind of gets out of focus and then .... and then... just about .... NNnnnnnnnnnoowwwwww, ooh yes. Tungsten!! Yes. Sorry. Where was I?
Now, I'm not sure if I mentioned this before but there's a thin line between grubby touching arched felching and sex.
Because all welders must work with a short rod length, great care and skill are required to prevent a premature emission making the workpiece sticky and rendering it useless and dissatisfied.
Gas tungsten arc welding normally requires four hands and is therefore more intimate than ordinary welding. The welder needs to keep his mind steady while manually manipulating his tool with one hand and slipping his rod in with the other, while pumping his grubnuts with a third. If the welder manipulates his tool too fast he will start to dribble, get distracted and thrust without reason, leading to disaster.
And this of course only adds to the confusion in the brain, causing a kind of pleasant sensation in the medulla oblongata, which throbs like a space hopper and then everything kind of gets out of focus and then .... and then... just about .... NNnnnnnnnnnoowwwwww, ooh yes. Tungsten!! Yes. Sorry. Where was I?
If the welder manages to maintain control he can usually go all the way without stopping, and enter the halls of paradise via the pure medium of hot tungsten.
As I mentioned before, there's a thin line between gusset tingling arse pounding, and sex.
How it works
It's really so simple, there's hardly any need to explain, but anyway - it all goes back to the birds and the bees. What happens is that this high frequency generator, which we'll call a "bird" provides a path for the welding current - the bee - through a moist opening of shielding gas, allowing the arc to rush through all at once like, like a rat through a pipe of bees, to explode into orgasm when the separation between the electrode and the workpiece is approximately 1.5-3 mm (0.06-0.12 in).
And then the mummy bird and the daddy bee have a gassy baby, half bird, half bee - a sort of mutant hybrid that sucks all the honey from flowers and then lays an egg. That's basically a bird and a bee welded together, which is how it all works. Of course, I don't expect you, a simple uneducated lay prole to understand any of the beauty in this, but one day, when the world is ruled by welder kings, the population will all come out in the street waving flowers and all innocent in their nakedness, especially the ladybees.
The future
The next step after gas tungsten arc welding will be naked tungsten arc welding, and by the year 2025: naked tungsten arse welding. By this time, a welder will be able to fondle his tool using only his mind, while his hands will be free for powering up his robotic friend. We welders will finally be free to run about sticking our tools in without even thinking about it. Almost anything will stick together this way, and if something does break off, people will always be able to just weld it back later and no one will be shouted at and no one will laugh because anoraks will be mandatory and all other clothes banned.
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