Eoghan Quigg
“I withhold my opinion of this fellow on the grounds that he is entirely undeserving of my considerable cognitive faculties.”
“What that effing Kant said...”
“No one cares what I say, so I won't say anything.”
Eoghan Quigg (pronounced "Moron") is an Irish "singer" from the North of Ireland, who finished third in one of the many series of the British television karaoke kontest, The Krap Factor in 2008. As a result of his Krap Factor, Quigg came down with dysentery and shit out his lungs. This prevents him singing ever again, much to the delight of Everyone.
Early life[edit]
Eoghan Quigg grew up in a sex cauldron in Northern Ireland. He lived there with his mule-farming aunt and uncle (who are brother and sister in wedlock), his two younger sisters, Ralph and Hugo, and baby daddy Sophie. Having failed to win the Krap Factor, he was sent back to this dungeon, where the infamous dysentery episode took place.
Singing along to his Dad's porn films since the age of two, Quigg found his voice in the school choir, led by the local priest. It is thought that his time in the choir led to his nightmares involving "Catholic Priests", "being touched in a bad place" and "Michael Jackson". He refuses to attend St. Patrick's College, a local Catholic secondary school, in his home town of Dungiven because of his depression following his viewing of an awful episode of "Will and Grace".
The Krap Factor.[edit]
Quigg auditioned for crap such as "Gigli: the Musical" and The Krap Factor. Despite (or perhaps because of) the fact that Quigg took the time and effort to shit himself at the audition, he actually became a large part of both. Of course Gigli was a complete failure. Although Ben Affleck (who starred in the original film) had this to say:
“I sure do think that kid sure is swell. I sure do, gosh darn it, for sure. For sure.”
After appearing at the "judges' houses" for some fudgepacking, Eoghan made it to the live shows in Cowell's 14–24 boys group sex extravaganza. On the first live show, Quigg sang "Baa Baa Black Sheep" and was highly praised by judges, mummy, daddy and uncle Fudd. On the second live show (Michael Jackson week) he had several recurring nightmares about his days in the choir and the terrible truth about it, as previously mentioned (See cleft asshole). Sigmund Freud was called in who plum-reckoned it was something to do with sex. Everyone else "plum-reckoned" that was completely obvious and casually beat Freud to death.
Eoghan was prescribed some anti-depressants which caused, what little genitals he had to shrivel up and die. This sad-little fact caused him to fall out of favor with some of the shallower judges, including Cheryl Cole who burst into tears, as she spontaneously does.
Quiggley eventually finished third, which by his Irish accent is in fact "Turd:" quite fitting considering what came after the contest.
The Dysentery Factor[edit]
Immediately following the contest Johann Quiggs, contracted dysentery. To replace the fluid lost during diarrhea, Igham decided to try Lucozade. Unfortunately, Lucozade is clearly marked "Not suitable for replacing fluid during diarrhea". The consequences of this particular mistake would turn out to be dire(rhea).
At 2:32 PM GMT on Sunday 6th March 2009 neighbours heard an "explosion" followed by a noise that "sounded like a bullet hitting porcelain". At 4:44 PM the following Tuesday an ambulance arrived and begun to survey the scene. Quacky was found face down in his own excrement. His lungs had been shit out and had exploded on contact with the wall, it is thought that this happened on the second day, several hours after the initial shitting. According to the medical team:
“This must've started out as Type 1 on the British Stool Scale and then gone straight to Type 7. Ignoring the lungs of course..”
While this is not medically possible in any way, shape or form, it is worth saying that Eoghan survived this particular encounter and is not living a life without singing due to his lack of lungs.
The general public hoped he would not be back.
Recent developments[edit]
In response to the success of the latest Krap Factor, Eoghan Quigg promptly released a follow-up to his smash-shit album "It Takes Only One (hard cock)". His second album was entitled "A Man Of No Importance... ...The Anal Album". When questioned on the title Queefers had this to say:
“People need to step back and say "WHOA IS THIS GUY GAY!?" Then I will be back on the road to popularity. My only regret is not getting to Simon Cowell's fuck bunker during Krap Factor. If I had, maybe I could've won”
When asked about the future, Quackers hinted that Arnold Hubbateer would be writing Quigg's autobiography for release in the New Year. The working title is "Greatest Shits". It is expected to go into great detail concerning the controversy surrounding the uncensored sex scenes during the 2008 series of the Krap Factor, the Dysentery complications and his elicit affair with the singer from that band no one likes.