Dead Dicks

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William Westmoreland is one American general who can truly be called a "dick head".

Dead Dicks, besides being the enduring legacy of mythomaniacal former U.S. Presidents, Lyndon Baines Johnson and "Tricky Dick" Nixon, are also a numerical unit of one in Vietnam War "grunt-speak." The term was first used to describe a war stiff reported by the Vietnamese and American governments during the "body count" game. "Body-count" was a ghastly, albeit highly rated televised sport notorious for being imposed on the citizens of Vietnam and America by the captains of both teams.

Essentially a dead dick is the complete opposite of a live dick, also known in Vietnam as a "Swinging Dick." From the onset both sides of the conflict agreed via negotiations that "the only good dick is a dead one." Accordingly the scoring system came into play and the game was once again a-foot.

Not surprisingly the final score proved a huge victory for the "home-team" of Vietnam. After exactly ten thousand days of playing, Charlie was winning by an enormous rout with a final score of Vietnam: 1,100,000 versus America: 58,000. Under such humiliating circumstance, misanthrope numerologist U.S. General William Westmoreland had no choice other than to surrender Vietnam back to the Vietnamese people - the same local natives who had already won the game in 1954 when they successfully drove out the occupying Frogs.

Dead dicks are still a valuable war trophy, and are traded and collected by zealous dick heads around the world.

Types of Dicks

Memorial in Vietnam honoring their winning numbers.

Dead dicks are basic, but if you've seen one you haven't seen them all. Serious "dick heads" have pointed out the following six types found in Vietnam: 1) American, 2) Gook, 3) circumcised, 4) uncircumcised, 5) attached (to host), 6) detached. Occasionally a dick is found to possess all these six attributes at the same time, and such oddity is worth a fortune among die-hard dick collectors.



Because of the gullible nature of dick collectors, sometimes a severed elephant trunk is claimed to be an African-American dick. Dead Python snakes and sections of fire hose are also sometimes used to cheat kind-hearted dick heads. Because the most valuable trophy is a Black-American which possesses all six attributes, the hobby is rife with blackmarket fraud.


Claims that a dead dick can be a bullet-proof talisman have no scientific basis, in spite of Myth Busters failure to disprove it. Myth Busters actually had a live human wear a dick talisman as they fired a bazooka at him from point-blank range. Nothing happened. So what is that supposed to prove? Well, they got distracted by the dead dick and forgot to load the bazooka!

Impress your Sweetheart

300-KM long Vietnamese Vietnam Veterans Memorial inscribed with over one million one hundred thousand names, each representing a "dead dick" score point value of one.

Of the above listed dicks, the detached-from-host was by far the best, because soldiers could send them home to their girlfriends. They did this to show their wet-dream-back-home how good they were doing in the icky Nam War against the “bad guys”. Imagine how turned-on these girlfriends got when they saw all the dicks their beau had collected! For most of these Vietnam-war era babes holding a stiff's dick made them feel closer to their own soldier-boy who was far far away, and thus a useless dick himself. Note: Soldiers usually didn't send their severed-ear collections to their girlfriends so as not to gross them out.

Value & Demand

The value of dead dicks, as determined by the Bureau of Weights and Measures, is approximately $1.98 for American, and a plug-nickel for Gook. The price discrepancy is due to the sheer volume of dead Gook dicks. In today’s society the market is still flooded with Gook dicks, although Arab pricks are as plentiful but are considered worthless because there is simply no demand. In the Middle East, however, the demand for American trophies is so high that a simple $1.98 American dick is selling for over $10,000 in the black bazaar. So value is really determined by politics rather than economics, or, in the words of Genghis Khan (who hung his dick collection around his wives' necks) "Money makes the world go round, but give me power and I'll cut off your dick every time."


Up until his timely death, William Westmoreland was President of the Dead Dick & Ear Collectors Association[Citation not needed at all; thank you very much]. He was followed by Jeffrey Dahmer, who ran the society from behind bars. Dahmer, known as the man who put the group on the map with his groundbreaking book Dicks I have Known: Wartime Collectibles Come In All Flavors, had one of the world's biggest collections of dead dicks. Following Dahmer's untimely death in the prison shower - he slipped on a wet bar of shiv - the presidency of DDECAT took on a cloak of secrecy when Dick Cheney, who didn't want to blow his cover as a closet "dick head" (and the accompanying title of "World's Biggest Dick"), took it over. Cheney did, however, expand the dickless population into the Middle East, where many sand dicks were separated from their owners. According to Cheney, "Sand gives war a bad name". But serious and casual collectors enjoy exploring the deserts of Iraq, Afghanistan, and the wartorn sands of Arizona for colorful dicks, so numerous and some so obvious that you might trip over them without leaving your tent.

Private photo taken in Dick Cheney's bed room

Today, Dead Dick conventions can be found in most major cities, although the main annual convention is still held in Geneva. Collectors gather by the hundreds to show off their collections ("I'll show you mine if you show me yours."), buy and sell prime specimens, and hear experts on the subject lecture on topics as diverse as "Dead Dicks from the Spanish Civil War" to "HowTo:Best Show Off a Dead Dick in Time of Peace". Collectors attend auctions, trade rare items, party in each others rooms, and gather in hushed silence as William Westmoreland's, General Curtis LeMay's, and Robert McNamara's dicks are unveiled for all to admire under a red-white-and-blue banner reading: "A bunch of dicks!"


If you ever are lucky enough to visit a war zone, keep in mind that your live-dick is your most valuable possession, because without it you too would be just another dead score point. So don't be a dick! Stay connected!


  • A single Dead Dick is equal to six Severed Ears.
  • William Calley, leader of the My Lai massacre, could score a dick even off a dead female.
  • Similar to "dead heads", collectors of war dicks are called "dick heads".

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