Cum in a Can
“Oh how I love the taste of a new generation”
“You really can't beat the real thing”
“I prefer to squeeze my own fresh in the morning”
What Is Cum In a Can?[edit]
In 1998 Dr. Richard Head of the university of Fellatio Falls, N.R surveyed over 1,000 people regarding if they enjoying swallowing when giving oral sex? Over 88% of replies from men and women that Dr. Head surveyed said they do enjoy the taste. When Dr. Heads next question prompted if they enjoyed the taste so much, would they drink it if it was available in a can? 77% answered yes, so it was only natural that companies such as Coca-Cola & Pepsi would race to get a recipe released for a new high protein health beverage out on the market. Coca Cola would release the first protein carbohydrate label of fitness drinks in the summer of 1999. The product was labeled, "Cocka-Cola" that featured the classic recipe of cola, with added sources of protein for that special creamy after taste. Pepsi would soon follow with their brand, "Poopsie" with the tag "The taste of a new generation" which put people off at first, but once they got past the misinforming name of the product, they where pleasantly satisfied with the much smoother taste of Pepsi-cola with semen that was not as fizzy as Cokes brand that was causing a lot of cum bubbles to be burped back up.
The new protein sodas where a hit on the market and looked like they where here to stay. Soon both Coke and Pepsi started releasing new additional flavors on the market, these included the great refreshing tastes of cola and cock with extra hints of Cherry, Lemon, Lime, Salt & Vinegar, Pepperoni, Chili Cheese and Chives and Coconut Ball Sweat. Each new flavor had a remarkable impact of single sales, except for the Lemon & Cum flavor, that was said to just taste plain right disgusting as it still contained the pips.
There is now over 21 different brands on the market containing the high protein source of added goodness. Most people agree that RC-Cocky-Cola is the cheapest and best, even tho they nearly had got sued for using a name almost similar to Cocka-Cola's trademark.
Popularity[edit]
The brand was made popular by such endorsers as Susan Summers and Cindy Crawford who when asked how they keep their skin so young and fresh looking in appearance? Susan Summers admitted to Oprah Winfrey in an interview in 2000 that her vitalizing look came from drinking cum in a can, and as soon as Oprah started drinking Cocka Cola, and liking it so much she started up the Oprah Loves Cum in a Can Club" every house-wife in America joined the craze of guzzling down massive amounts of semen in a can.
In 2002 Cindy Crawford started promoting her Revlon owned Dr Pepper labeled "Dr's P with cum-in-a-can" that was the first non-cola based cum-in-a-can beverage. It contains a double-hit of extra protein and cinnamon that is marketed as "Just what the Doctor ordered" that has been tested on animals and proven to give you a younger and more vibrant look when you shake the cum-in-a-can up, pull back the lid, and let the cum-in-a-can shoot off into your face. It is also a great substitute for shampoo and toothpaste. Many describe the Dr's Cum In A Can to taste like that flavor of almond you usually only taste in wedding cake icing... well, that and someone jerked off into the cake batter.
By 2005 the rage to swallow cum-in-a-can had become a billion dollar industry. It was so big that other beverage products where imitating the brands with such things like "Kum Flavored Koolaid", "Testicle Tang" and "Pringles Dingle Flavors" that changed their classic slogan to "Once you taste what we've popped, your swallowing wont stop" but none of these products could match the real sources of high protein in the beverages as the food consumption products either contained artificial flavoring and preservatives for there cum based consumption products, or the genuine article made the crisps too soggy.
Gatorade even jumped on the bandwagon after the NBA's L.A Rapers star forward, Kobe Bryant announced to the company that he needed a energy drink that put back what the semen took out after he had been on a date with a rape victim friend.
Another popular side brand is those which contain the semen of those with low sperm counts, these drinks are known as Diet Cum in A Can.
Average Consumption[edit]
Studies show that the cum-in-a-can drinks are mostly consumed by women, surveys showed 1 in every 5 women enjoyed drinking the product on a day-to-day basis, where the other 4 said they did not mind the taste, but would only drink it occasionally during birthdays, festivities and wedding anniversaries. Studies on men showed only 1 in 15 enjoyed consuming the product, but surprising results found it showed 21 in every 5 men who lived in San Francisco, just could not get enough of the stuff down their necks.
Other statistics also showed there was a 78% increase in sales of cum-in-a-can during the presidential campaign of 2008, it was said there was so many cock-suckers around during the time campaigning for Americas vote, that patrons needed a beverage that would remove the taste of bullshit from their mouths.
By the end of the 2010 financial year, Cum-in-a-can had sold $21.5 billion dollars globally in 2012, showing it is ejaculating in popularity higher & higher each year, $34 higher each time then the previous years revenue.
Endorsement[edit]
Since the products release in 1998, many have come on board to be spokespersons for the popular drink. Such as celebrities and Britney Spears. In a clever campaign to sell the commercial product world-wide, over 9 people have been chosen to be the face of the cum-in-a-can company they represent. As mentioned previously, Susan Summers represents the Cocka-Cola label, while Cindy Crawford endorses the Dr. Pooper range, but other labels you will find being lead by Britney guzzling down loads of cum-in-a-can for Poopsie as well. There are plenty more, but surprisingly the only male representative is David Letterman who promotes his "World Wide: Cum In My Pants" beverage company RC Cum-Cola. Other imitation brands like Fanta have Carrot Top on board, and Sprite have recently signed on Monica Lewinsky who has been promoting the product by showing the cum-in-a-can drinks stains easily wash out of cocktail dresses on the Martha Stewart show.
Promotions[edit]
It is said that these companies pay media sources 45 cents per product placement to be in their shows. So far the leader in most product placements is the 2008 revival of Beverly Hills 90210 which has made over a trillion dollars by promoting the Dr's Cum-in-a-cam during every scene of their show.
Rival Products[edit]
Cum-In-A-Can is mostly enjoyed by females and the heterosexually challenged. In 2009 Budweiser came up with the solution be unveiling "Pussy in a Bottle". Now every brewery in the world is making their beer recipes taste more like fish.