Before the race, each participant imbibes many gallons of Coke™ and sets out on foot, powered solely by the intense buzz of caffeine,
sugar high fructose corn syrup, carbon dioxide, and more caffeine. The race, consisting of 300 two-mile laps, typically lasts for a full five sleepless days, not only for the racers, but also for the thousands of Coke™-drinking spectators, five minutes of which is running and the rest is jittering. Accidents (which are inevitable) tend to be spectacular, involving horrific explosions due to the build-up of trapped carbon dioxide and deadly urine.
Results of the 2005 Race
Today's reigning champion of the Coca-Cola™ 600 is the famous Coke™ guzzler Jimmie Johnson, who has totally dominated the event since its inception in the early 1920's. In 2005, Johnson narrowly avoided disaster on the 227th lap when he was convinced that he was being chased by a pack of enraged kittens. After an emergency pit stop for a quick whiz and an intravenous infusion of fresh Coke™, the horrid hallucinations were dispelled, allowing Johnson to retake the lead and win his 47th consecutive CC-600.
Jimmie Johnson's Victory Speech
During the winner's circle celebration, a wild-eyed Jimmie Johnson reportedly screamed "I love Coke!™!!! OH, YEAH!!! USA R00LZ! COKE™ KICKS ASS!! W00T!!!" just before collapsing dead in a pool of his own vomit.