Creatheism
Creatheism is the result of both Atheists and Creationists being so sick and tired of arguing all the time that they decide to compromise. The compromise states that each party shall believe that a divine being 50% exists, and 50% doesn't exist, so as to avoid further conflict in the future. Although they have fiercely debated the issue in the past, both parties have agreed to leave these disputes behind for the sake of progress in both science and theology. These compromisers, known as Creatheists, plan to include this scientific principle regarding a divine being in our public school systems, and plan to revise the Constitution of the United States to say that the Government may only be 50% involved in matters regarding church and state.
Controversy[edit]
Many former Creationists believed that there was both God and Satan before the compromise. When the 50% existence policy was made, that meant that both God and Satan could only 50% exist. However, Mathematicians have realized a serious flaw with this principle of theology in the following equation: (G represents God and S represents Satan)
Because two halves make a whole, this means that both God and Satan have combined to create one divine being, known as Gotan (or Satod). Many former atheists pointed out that the equation ends with the 50% existence of God and the 50% existence of Satan equaling 100% existence. Because this violates the existence limit in the compromise, Gotan can only half exist, and half not exist.
Christians and Satanists[edit]
This theory regarding the fusing of God and Satan required that Satanists and Christians worship the same entity. Both parties were outraged, as the theology within both parties contradicts the other. Creatheists suggested that to avoid conflict and outbreaks of violence between the two groups that they worship half of Gotan's 50% existence; Christians worshiping the loving and good part and Satanists vise-versa. Both parties have agreed to the terms of the merger, thus each Church of Gotan building is divided into two halves, The good part and the evil part. As to keep the spirit of Gotan's existence alive, each half believes that the other doesn't exist.
About Gotan[edit]
Gotan is a divine being believed to 50% exist and 50% not exist by Creatheists. He lives in a place called Helven, where both good and bad people go to die. He both loves and hates his creation, and accounts for all the good and bad that happens in the world. As to account for his existence being limited to half, he divides the love/hate ratio for his creation as 25% love, and 25% hate. This ratio accounts for his existence being limited to 50% and is the most accurate model representing his love and hate. Gotan commands an army of Demangels (De-mane-jels) and accounts for 50% of all the good and bad things that happen in the world. Unfortunately, because he is both good and evil, he hates himself and constantly feuds with himself. This often strikes spectators as odd, but the demangels have grown quite accustomed to this.
How Gotan made the world[edit]
Gotan created the world in three days, and rested for half the fourth. He thought making the world would be a good idea, but after the 3rd day or so things began to get a bit boring. So he left the rest to evolution as he sat back on his lawn chair drinking some tea. Once the world was complete, he looked at it and thought it was somewhat okay. It was a good start, but it hadn't gone through debugging yet as the project was cancelled halfway though. Gotan compensated the lack of content on earth by creating a bunch of spheres and stars nearby, just in case the inhabitants wanted to live somewhere else. For now, he partially guides the faith of the world's inhabitants. As he can only exist in half of the world, he decided to spread out his existence on the globe to 25% everywhere, just to be fair.
Criticism[edit]
Many people wonder how a divine being can half exist and half not exist. Although hard to imagine, this is entirely possible. A popular explanation for this phenomenon goes as follows:
- Think of God as being like a pie that has just been taken out of the oven.
- Somebody eats half the pie.
- The pie now 50% exists and 50% doesn't exist.
Many find this theory to be quite logical and sufficient to explaining how a divine being can both exist and not exist at the same time.
Another question often asked by critics is how a divine being can be both good and evil at the same time. The answer to this is that Gotan has duel personalities. To help him cope with his personality disorder, he makes several visits to his local psychiatrist each month.