Chuck Norris/Facts

Chuck Norris loves America. Almost as much as he loves God, gun rights, and the feeling of his enemies' blood dripping from his brow.

For Chuck Norris with more funny and less "fact" in it, see Chuck Norris (disambiguation).

“In Soviet Russia, Chuck Norris makes facts up about you.”
~ Russian Reversal on Chuck Norris facts

Chuck Norris Facts are an internet phenomenon that arose in 2005. These amazing statements were leaked from personal accounts of those very close to Norris. Often disguised as "satirical factoids" and cleverly camouflaged with utterly ridiculous facts,^[1] they stemmed from earlier, less successful attempts at compiling lists of facts about celebrities. Most prominent in these earlier failed catalogs were Vin Diesel facts, such as "Vin Diesel is a terrible actor" and "Vin Diesel is afraid of heights, spiders, and opaque liquids".

Creation of a Chuck Norris fact

Here's one picked at random (and I mean it was literally picked at random):

Chuck Norris was Hercules in Ancient Greece, just using a diffent name to hide his identity from the Gods, who were so afraid of him.

Notice how the author thought of Hercules, then embarked on his/her brave journey. The slip over the spelling of 'different' was but a minor hiccup and proved non-fatal. Where things turned ugly was when the author decided that Chuck had called himself Hercules to hide his identity from the Gods. This had the insinuation that Chuck was somehow a coward. Rather than admit to themselves that this baldy worked out 'fact' had hit a brick wall, our plucky word juggler merely explained that Chuck's motivation for hiding his real name from the Gods was that they were 'so afraid of him.' Genius, or a completely nonsense narrative contrivance? You decide.

Example facts

Note: If you read any of these, and laugh, beware (unless you are laughing with him). If you're on the same planet as Chuck Norris, you're already dead. If you aren't, wait five minutes. If you are the asshole who made Chuck Norris look gay here, then you are dead.

Chuck Norris' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2. No one fools Chuck Norris.
Some people sleep with a gun under their pillow. Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.

Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad.
A man once tried to assasinate Chuck Norris.You can see where I am going.

History

Chuck Norris expects the Spanish Inquisition.
Chuck Norris was alloted his own section of Normandy Beach in 1944, and single-handedly disemboweled over 3,000 Germans using a potato peeler.

Martial Arts

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris' beard is a third degree black belt.
If you find yourself in a dire situation, just ask yourself: "What Would Chuck Norris Do?" Needless to say, you then give up, because you can't do what Chuck Norris does.
Chuck Norris supports your right to bear arms...unless he rips them from your torso.
Chuck Norris is capable of headbutting himself...in the back of his head.

Science & Mathematics

Chuck Norris knows the sound of one hand clapping.
Only Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
- That's how Chuck Norris was able to count to infinity... twice. (see below)
Cyanide, one of the worlds most deadly anions, has chemical composition CN^–. This is also Chuck Norris' initials. Coincidence? We hope so.
Chuck Norris is true for all values of killing.
Chuck Norris can find the square root of the color yellow.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity...Twice.
According to the Theory of Relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse-kick you yesterday.
Chuck Norris knows how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
Chuck Norris knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop.
There is no such thing as evolution. Only Chuck Norris and the things he allowed to live.

Nature

Not a huge lover of nature, Chuck Norris once killed a cloud. (It was shaped like a bunny).
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked a herd of horses. Their descendants are known today as giraffes.
Crop circles are Chuck Norris' way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the hell down.
When Chuck Norris jumps into the water, he doesn't get wet. The water gets Chuck Norrised.
Chuck Norris visited the Virgin Islands. When he left, it was called: the Islands.
One day Chuck Norris went back in time.Thats how the Dinosaurs went extinct.
Chuck Norris once killed a bird by throwing it off a cliff.
Honey badger gives a shit about Chuck Norris.

Education

When Chuck Norris reads a bedtime story you sleep forever.
Chuck Norris never learns. He knows.
Chuck Norris broke the fourth and fifth walls, with his fist!

Bible

For Chuck Norris, there is always room at the inn.
Jesus can walk on water. Chuck Norris can swim on land.
Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris walked on Jesus
Jesus walked on water, but Chuck Norris invented the boat
Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man. He gave baby Jesus the gift of the beard. Jesus wore it proudly until his dying day. The other three Wise Men, angered by Jesus' favoritism, had Chuck Norris removed from the Bible. The three wise men were later found dead, for mysterious roundhouse kick-related reasons.
Jesus turned water into wine, but Chuck Norris turned wine into beer. Thank you Chuck Norris.
The 4 Horsemen of the Apocalypse are a symbolic reference to Chuck Norris' limbs.

Medicine

Chuck Norris once gave his cell phone a brain tumor.
Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a coma; that word is "lucky".
Chuck Norris does not have skin; instead, he is covered in innumerable tiny fists.
Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross, just never his own.
Chuck Norris was once bitten by a rattlesnake while hiking. After six hours of excruciating pain, the rattlesnake died.
Chuck Norris once walked out onto the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.
It is said that Chuck Norris's tears are the cure for cancer, but he has never cried. Ever.

Mythology

Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.

Pop culture

The band Disturbed used to be called I'm Fine until they saw Chuck Norris.
The Ghostbusters call Chuck Norris.
Who let the dogs out? Chuck Norris let the dogs out. He then promptly kicked them through an Oldsmobile.
As a teen, Chuck Norris happened upon a Convent of nuns tucked away in the hills of Tuscany, and subsequently impregnated every nun. Nine months later, the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins.
Vito Corleone A.K.A "The Godfather" tried to make Chuck Norris an offer he couldn't refuse. He refused.

Television

Chuck Norris was originally considered for the lead role in 24. But after killing all of the terrorists in not 24 hours, but 24 seconds (he spent 23 cleaning up), the producers decided to go with someone else.
Chuck Norris shot J.R., killed Laura Palmer, perpetrated the Moldavian Massacre, and knows where the beef is. He ate it.
Chuck Norris can watch "60 Minutes" in 20 seconds.

Literature

Chuck Norris once finished an Everlasting Gobstopper.
Chuck Norris makes the wheels on the bus go round and round.

Footnotes

↑ Such as "When Chuck Norris does a push-up, he doesn't just push himself up; he pushes the Earth down", which has been true of any push-up since Isaac Newton's glorified defeat of gravity in 1707 required actions to have equal opposite reactions.