Carnival of Light

Carnival of Light is an extremely obscure experimental musical piece. Carnival of Light is the longest piece ever written and was, in itself, conceived by Paul McCartney and John Lennon of the Beatles. It was first released in 24 February 1967 for approximately 6.24 seconds before John Lennon threw all copies into the bin calling it "A waste of Bonanza episodes". The piece in itself, featured portions of every single released media at the time and runs for about 67,890 hours which is why it was thrown out in the first place. Either that or LSD, no-one actually knows. Carnival of Light holds the world record for the longest amount of pictures shown in a kid's eye and longest Bonanza episode samples.

A person listening to the song after one year

Construction

Despite this, making a "Carnival of Light" has been tried and tested over the past years. Even the KGB has done it (once they found the record). Here is how you too can create a "Carnival of Light". Beware of The Inner Light though. Simply copy this:

<?php
for(i=0; i<i+1; i++)
{
    if(i==0)
        echo("Carnival of Light");
    else
        echo picture("Carnival");
                    ("Light");
                    ("Sgt Peppers");
                    ("LSD");
                    ("Bonzanza");
            <hidden>("Porn")</hidden>;
}
?>

Creation

Self portrait by John Lennon after his accident.

After an argument between John Lennon and the first Paul McCartney replacement devolved into a knock-down fistfight, both rolled out into a hall and down an estimated 20 flights of stairs. Lennon was badly bruised and concussed, and found the fake McCartney dead. He once again rang up a man identified only as The Wolf, who had also disposed of the original Paul. Lennon then sent for the next backup McCartney lookalike and both sat down to write what would be later titled Carnival of Light (working title: My Eye is a Pineapple). As Lennon slipped in and out of consciousness, McCartney version 3 panicked and borrowed parts of old songs in order to keep Lennon awake while running the telly full blast.

After the duo spent over 114,000 hours of work with little sleep, Beatles manager Brian Epstein put paid to the session by emphatically slamming the piano keyboard cover shut. This recorded bit would be used for the closing of A Day in the Life. After careful editing, the original version of Carnival of Light was pared down to 67,890 hours, 3 minutes and 22 seconds for radio airplay despite Lennon's protests that the long version was 'perfect'. However, it is generally agreed by musicologists and rabid Beatles fans alike that resultant brain damage and Yoko Ono had clouded his judgement by this time.

The song may involve the earliest use of backmasking. When played backwards, a badly sung Yesterday can be heard with a slight echo, repeated over and over, alternating with Hoss and Ben Cartwright quotes. Ringo Starr has stated this was a recording of the McCartney lookalike singing while doing his business in a portaloo. However, this has been refuted by two of the three surviving McCartney imitators.

The BBC pre-banned the piece along with A Day in the Life as a 'clear and present danger to small furry animals'. While the ban on the latter was finally lifted on 13 March 1972, Carnival of Light continues to be banned despite not existing. This is blamed on continued heavy drugs use by BBC executives and their sole obsession to make the long-dead Jimmy Savile head of customer relations.

Critical reception

Anyone who has ever reported hearing the piece has been called a liar, even including any Paul McCartney imitator and John Lennon. However, a surviving fragment of 30,000 or so bars is known and has been analysed by musicologists. Nonetheless, all reviewers have either died of old age before publishing their reviews or have gone round the bend due to drugs or drink.

Kerrang! magazine roundly criticised the fragment for 'not enough cowbell'. Carnival of Light was rated by Rolling Stone magazine as 3rd of the Top 1000 Songs We'd Never Want to Hear.

Legacy

Carnival of Light has garnered much controversy including an Iraqi missile especially made for the piece. In some countries, it is and has been illegal to play it since 25 February 1967. However if you're not in one of those countries then your record player is just going to blow up.

Phish often plays the fragment at the end of their concerts to clear the venue. Sting has recorded a live cover of the fragment whilst standing atop Mt. Everest with a large stick up his arse to emphasize his pomposity.