Bible 2
The Bible 2 was an incoherent, lengthy book written by Duck Dodgers in the early 1800's. Originally, Bible 2 supposedly chronicled the story of humanity's origins and the creation of Earth. Its protagonist was "LlamaGuy, Our Saviour the Magic Ninja".
However, at some point in the mid 19th century, Bible 2 was condemned to eternal damnation by God, who rewrote the story in a more commercialised tone as The Bible Episode II: Satan Strikes Back. Hoping humans would internationally embrace Bible II as their new scripture, God was shocked when the novel received consistent poor reviews, a spiral of depression eventually landing him in his current job as an American park ranger.
Original Text of the Bible 2[edit]
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Once upon a time there was a magic ninja named LlamaGuy who had magic ninja powers. He punched Trevor the Vampire in the nuts, he tore off Fox1337's shiny black nose, and he had sex with jngy slate. He also used his magic ninja powers to h4x Google and implode the universe. But LlamaGuy was invincible so he survived. Another time he was floating in nothingness and fapped to see what would happen. The splooge froze and orbits the sun even today.
LlamaGuy's most controversial moment was when he took on the magic pirate blinjas on the moon. "Yarr, nigga mateys, let's show this cracka our bling bling loot! Yoho!" shouted Captain Jackass as he threw a golden scimitar at LlamaGuy. However, the soft metal simply bounced off his shiny white physique. LlamaGuy then ate the pirates and stole their treasure. This caused a lot of controversy because pirates are badass.
The issue was finally resolved in 1812 when the moon people revealed to the puny Earthlings that the blinja pirates were really black. The Canadians were so confused that they flew planes into the White House and the World Trade Centers, causing the War of 1812. Thus Hitler's reign of terror began, as he genocided the Canadians, causing World War -1.
The Men in Black finally stepped in and used their memory device thingies to delete everyone's RAM. Meanwhile, LlamaGuy was having orgies with the moon women when he heard news of the burning of the White House. Furious, he destroyed the earth with a Ki blast.
The only survivor was Hitler, who needed to download more RAM after the MIB stunt. Floating in space, Hitler survived by drinking excess semen from LlamaGuy's continued moon orgies.
Finally, Hitler crashed into Mars for the final showdown. He met Marvin the Martian, who used the reverse Illudium Q-36 Explosive Space Modulator to restore Earth. LlamaGuy was too fat and lazy to do anything about it, so he hired Duck Dodgers to battle Marvin on Planet X.
Hitler then returned to Earth where he made plans to assassinate LlamaGuy. By this time, all the sex and pudding made LlamaGuy so enormous that he absorbed the moon and was called the great ez. He fell on Earth, causing the Holocaust and the extinction of the dinosaurs, along with the death of Hitler and his ninja assassins.
Billions of years later, in the present, ez has grown a rocky exterior and the blinja pirates have caused indigestion, which formed the mantle. Nobody suspects anything, but soon Duck Dodgers will return to Earth and our origins will be revealed to us... in the form of the Bible 2. The End.
The Bible II: Satan Strikes Back[edit]
In God's version of Bible II, Jesus is kicked out of Heaven by God, who discovers that his son has been covertly trading Get Into Heaven Free chance cards with humans in exchange for coconuts, which God strictly forbids from Heaven. Because Jesus is no longer in Heaven, Get Into Heaven Free cards lose all validity, and an angry mob throws him off a cliff (this time for real).
Jesus washes up in Madagascar, where he attempts to trade two and a half coconuts with Moses for his place in Heaven. Moses agrees, but only after Jesus destroys all flammable foliage present in Madagascar.
When Jesus returns to Heaven, he discovers that his father has returned to Earth in the guise of a ferret, to ask his son to come back to Heaven to help him figure out how to program the DVD recorder. Jesus lies around watching Heaven's Funniest Home Videos, in which famous Earth celebrities writhe in Hell, while God has problems of his own.
The population of Earth crucifies Ferret-God within the hour, and God is forced to send himself to Hell for committing murder in the surplus of one trillion occurrences. In Hell, with his powers of Godliness severely reduced, God ends up in a duel with Satan. Before he strikes Satan down once and for all, he finally reveals the truth: "I killed Mufasa!"
In anger for the death of beloved Mufasa, Satan overpowers God, and out of sheer annoyance sends him back to Heaven, where God discovers that Jesus has cracked his password to saved file "Earth" on SimPlanet and has unleashed no less than four Global Floods and nine hundred Rampaging Pandas. God tells Jesus to clean up his room, and uses Ctrl+Z to remove the offending floods (he however decides the pandas are a positive addition to Earth).
In the Epilogue, Moses finishes building his time machine, and goes forward in time two thousand years where he enrolls in the Spartan Project, becomes the Master Chief and kicks some serious alien ass.
Controversies[edit]
Damnation of Bible 2[edit]
God's highly-publicised condemning of Duck Dodgers' original Bible 2 to eternal damnation in Hell led to a lawsuit against God; with LlamaGuy and Jesus unavailable for questioning, God agreed to an out-of-court settlement with Dodgers involving him conceding his powers of Godliness to Dodgers for one hundred and fifty years. This Godliness fine ended on Christmas Day, 2004, with God quite eager for some judgment after Earth's time of relative peace under the rule of Duck Dodgers.
The Bible III: Jesus in Hollywood[edit]
God had mentioned vague plans of a third instalment in the Bible series in which Jesus is signed as the lead actor of Hollywood flick "Resurrection: Return of Jesus", but spoilers about the truth behind his son's resurrection caused international uproar, which in turn led him to scrap the idea in fear of losing his major audience. Mel Gibson roughly adapted God's half-written script to his film "Passion of the Christ".