Auburn, Massachusetts

Auburn is here, stoopid.

Crowning Achievement of Auburn MA

The quaint little town of Auburn in the state of Massachusetts is home to roughly 7,000 people (about a hundred worth their salt), and the birthplace of both the modern rocket and Euro-pop. The town and surrounding communities share a common goal, that is to rot back into the Earth faster than any other urban area in the continental United States. The town offers quality food and family dining (as shown to the left) and a top of the line underground pornography ring run simultaneously by the mafia and ESPN2. The defining characteristics of Auburn is its piss-poor road quality, its football players, and its vast number of level 3 sex offenders.

General Information

Auburn's Town Crest

• Town Motto - "Taste the Rainbow"
• Town Crest - Snorlax (see right)
• Town Bird - The Red Sox
• Town Tree - The Orange Tree
• Town Flower - Virginity
• Town Pasta - Rugrats Shaped Macaroni and Cheese
• Town Lucky Number - 8
• Town Pastime - Digging
• Town Flavor - Mocha Mocha Crunch
• Town Policy - Don't ask Don't tell
• Town Crush - Dog the Bounty Hunter
• Town Food - Chicken Cutlet
• Town Holiday - Sukkot at Sundown (September 29) aka Feast of Tabernacles
• Town Song - Fuck the Pain Away by Peaches
• Town Shoes - Penny Loafers
• Town Omelet - Broccoli + Cheese (lots of cheese)
• Town Drug - Love (and E)
• Town Band(s) - Cobra Starship and Horse the Band
• Town Love Affair - Milbury
• Town Sport- Flower picking

St. John's Skull F#ck Team

The Proud St. Johns Skull Fuck Team during a golden moment

Recently, in a school not too far away from Auburn (and not to mention an Auburn High School Ally) called St. Johns, a new sport has been invented, and it's called Skull Fucking! The rules of the game are simple, and stamina counts, you must perform the task of skull fucking while music is playing, and when the music stops, you must stop too until the music picks up again. Anyone caught skull fucking to no music is immediately shot and fed to animals. Watch out! The Skull Fuckers come at night!

Team logo

Richard Gere

Total ass hole

Complete shit mouth

You may be asking yourself, what do people who live in such a cute town have to fear or hate? The answer is simple, aside from Nasa, the town of auburn has restraining orders against, vows of hatred at, curses on, and many cute pictures of Richard Gere. This "Man" had the audacity to walk into Auburn and pretend like he was glad to be there. When no one asked "Hey, aren't you Richard Gere?" or "Hey, Richard Gere is that you?" or "Richard Gere, yeah, he was in The Mothman Prophecies. , that sucked." he just played it as if he was a normal human being. Needless to say, the townsfolk didn't take this well. They stormed to his room at The Laquenta with their torches and pitchforks and ran Richard Gere out of town.

Inventions

Inventions mean everything to the town of Auburn, with the highest invention rate and the most pattents in the greater Worcester area. Visiting Auburn, one will pick up on the fact that there is absolutely nothing to do in the town aside from bowling and inventing things. Here is a list of important inventions produced by Auburnites.

The historic launching pad of Robert Goddard, "Father of Amateur Rocketry", was run out of town to make room for another Dunk'n Doughnuts

• Rockets and Robert Goddard
• Bananas
• Politics
• Scotland
• Estrogen
• Trees
• The Roomba
• Snorlax (the Pokemon)
• The Color Purple
• Mexican American food
• Mexican Americans
• The Orgasm
• The sticky side of stickers
• The Letter W
• The Internet
• Pants
• The Term "Apples are for Apple Orchards"
• MLA formatting
• Laser Tag
• The Mustache Ride
• Jumping Jacks
• Creepy Crawlers Bake Shop
• Chicken McCough Drops
• The Sky
• Artificial Crab Meat designed for Pot Stickers
• Elevator cords
• Your Mom
• Apple Pie
• Purple and yellow flowered toe rings
• black people
• The game Battle Ship
• Time portals
• The Beetis

The Legend

Artist rendering of "Snaggle Tooth"

On a dark and stormy night, there was born a beast known only as "The Snaggle Tooth". On a farm in Massachusetts, like, sixty years ago, a young farmhand gave birth to an egg. The egg was clean and white, and the farmhand, after squeezing her hip back together, cared for the egg and kept it warm. After two months passed, the egg cracked open, and the great Snaggle Tooth scampered onto the earth. The sight was too much for the farmhand to bear, and she immediately plunged her eyes out with pencils and bendy straws. The beast crawled out and lives now, in Auburn Massachusetts. Snaggle Tooth roams the streets, stealing babies from their houses and leaving public pay phones hanging off their hooks. Some say they can hear Snaggle Tooth screaming in the night for the one that got away...

Trivia

• Auburn has no sewer system. However, it does have manholes. What they lead to is yet to be investigated.
• Jefferson Starship's "We Built this City on Rock and Roll" was inspired by Auburn.
• There are several other towns called "Auburn" in the United States - all of which are much better places.
• The first Ego Waffle Frisbee was used in Auburn.
• Auburn is the first town to turn down both a Wal-mart and an Olive Garden for a Ragsdale Kia Motor Dealership and a third Dunkin' Donuts.

Auburn is much too good for these douchebags

• NASA planned to build a museum in honor of Robert Goddard, father of modern rocketry, free of charge to the town of Auburn. The town's response was "Fuck NASA and fuck your stupid satellites!"
• Bill Bogeldove, the first vagabond to die from urinating on the third rail, was born in Auburn.
• The mythical Chris Smith is said to reside in Auburn
• The films "Cars", "Happy Feet", and "American History X" were filmed in Auburn.
• The Town code of ethics is simply the rules to the game "Crazy Bones".
• Town Mayor, Rubin Kinkade, is the manager of the Partridge Family.
• Auburn personally kicked Germany's ass in WW3 (coming soon).
• The mythical
• The film "The Number 23" has absolutely Everything to do with Auburn Massachusetts.
• Slinkys are banned in Auburn on account of their outrageously entertaining stair descending capabilities.
• To become a citizen of Auburn you must perform tasks in a hazing ritual, which includes drinking another person's bodily fluids and shaving a dog.
• Wilford Brimley is buried in Auburn (he's been dead for years from diabeetus) but his mustache is buried in the Michigan.
• Abigial Adams thought about colonizing here.
• Bob Dole once tried to buy Auburn, but was outbid by local resident Jesus Ramirez.
• Auburn has an army of super-soldiers led by a flipping maniac wearing a checkered shirt called Paxton Fettle.