Animal fucking
- This article concerns animal-on-animal coitus and not human-on-animal coitus, or bestiality. Humans are not animals, because Jesus said so.
Fucking by animals is a phenomenon observed commonly in nature. Fucking methods vary from animal to animal, and sometimes involves fucking underwater for certain aquatic mammals. The sight of the act itself ranges from the mundane to downright hilarious. As reproduction necessitates fucking by the majority of animals incapable of external fertilization, animals really just can’t stop fucking.
Good fucking reasons
Motivations to fuck among animals stem primarily from a desire to progenerate the species, but also include boredom, irritability, revenge or aphrodisiacal mushrooms. In the wild, fucking occurs frequently, and often in plain sight. Scientific experiments under controlled conditions have repeatedly shown that the only way to prevent animals from fucking is by removing their genitals or whacking them on the head with a big shovel.
It is conceivable for an animal to desire to or attempt to fuck a human of either gender, but in most societies it is considered inappropriate, and punishable by death.
Humans can coerce animals to fuck or create environments in which they will be inclined to fuck for the purposes of animal husbandry, science, or just for kicks. Although the first two are societally accepted in most of the world, the third would classify you as a deviant, or possibly a furry, and thus subject you to public derision and/or cyberbullying.
Process
Fucking by animals is sometimes initiated when an aroused female animal entices the male animal by flashing its swollen genitals in the male's direction. The act begins when the male exhibits a willing response to this, and gives chase. The fucking then commences. Another approach to fucking involves the male animal approaching the female animal and forcibly jabbing its elongated penis inside of a moist, handily located orifice, usually the female genitalia. Although this is considered rape when done by humans, males of the animal world are fortunate in that there are no rules.
Pulling out is rarely observed in the animal world. This is considered a result of the male animal just not caring about the consequences, similar to the way a bird lacks concern for the world below it when it defecates. This factor has plagued the wildlife pornography industry since its inception, with directors unable to get their “money shot” despite persistent coaching.
Terminology
It is widely believed that all species of animal “fuck”.[1] This is a falsehood, however, as depending on the species, and in some rare cases, the breed of the animal, they may be classified as one that “makes love”. For example, all dogs fuck except for the Pomeranian and Border Collie, who both make love. [2] Fuckers include primates, canines, felines, reptiles and elephants while lovemakers include most amphibians, marsupials and imaginary animals such as dragons, unicorns, and males in-touch with their feelings.
Fuckers
Elephant
A female elephant will usually be ready to fuck around the age of thirteen, when she first comes into estrus, a short phase of intense horniness lasting a couple of days. Females announce their estrus by prancing around and making a general ruckus. The male mate is chosen purely by the size of its nutsack, which even for less-endowed elephants can run the size of two Scottish bagpipes. The small-nutted male will more than likely be rejected by the selective female and forced to settle with just trunking her.
Dolphin
Dolphins fuck belly to belly, necessitating developed abdominal muscles on the part of the male. Although not readily visible, a female dolphin is said to be able to feel whether a male has a six-pack or not while fucking. This will increase his chances of fucking her again in the future. Fucking between dolphins is fast, furious, and often alerts aquatic life in the vicinity, sometimes arousing them and setting off a chain reaction of spontaneous undersea orgies.
Mate selection criteria, or fuckable factor, for a typical male dolphin is a female dolphin that “can swim”, while a small, but significant minority actively pursue either gender of any animal species that either breathe underwater or hold their breath really long.
Golden snub-nosed monkey
They enjoy fucking in big piles of poop.
Imitation of animal fucking by humans
In general, missionary position sex is considered the only thing that separates humans from animals. Therefore, imitation of animal fucking can be done by humans, but is not recommended by experts. Pairs of both heterosexual and homosexual people are capable of this, although the latter may require a strap-on. The most common of such is doggy style, which is viewed as very humorous and ironic by actual dogs who find the lack of ass-sniffing foreplay among human couples comical. Fucking springbok style is outlawed in Massachusetts.
Future of animal fucking
Animal fucking predates fucking between human beings, and will likely continue past the duration of human existence, although there will be nobody to write about it then. Experts have suggested surviving animals of the future will fuck on top of our penless, paperless corpses.
Notes
- ↑ 89% of U.S. adult population per National Wildlife survey, 2006
- ↑ Not usually to each other. Except on special occasions.
- ↑ Consequently, they went and ate shit.
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