Ancient Order of Tootsie Roll Farmers
The Ancient Order of Tootsie Roll Farmers is a secret society formed in 387 A.D. to ensure the survival of the Tootsie plant (Tootsicus Toxica), the source of Tootsie Rolls (85% of the modern world's total food supply). In 382 A.D., oriental philosopher Laozi came across a burning Tootsie plant. The plant warned of impending doom for the Tootsie and the complete destruction of man. Laozi called for the leaders of the world to unite and masturbate while watching reruns of Saved By The Bell: The College Years' and discuss the problem. The Roman emperor, Romulus Augustus came. The Mayan chief, Ajaw also came. Laozi was pleased. The three wise men all agreed on what must be done, and after years of debate and chaffing, they named their secret society the Ancient Order of Tootsie Roll Farmers.
In 404 A.D., a sulfur rain poured down over the world for months killing all of the free growing Tootsie fields known to man. Soon, the burden these three men held on their shoulders would lead to the fall of Rome, and the collapse of Mayan culture, but the Ancient Order of Tootsie Roll Framers would live on. The order's numbers would grow over the years to include people from all walks of life, including artists, architects, half-retarded strongmen, philosophers, circus freaks, and even scientists. The society would form a pledge and design levels of the order to protect from 1 man ever gaining too much control over the Tootsie.
The Pledge and Levels of The Order[edit]
The Supreme Master of The Rolls approaches you, placing a burning Tootsie in your hand, you close your eyes and begin the pledge.
| “ | We the members of the Ancient Order of Tootsie Roll Farmers swear to keep secret the origins of the mystical Tootsie Roll, always protect our fellow brothers and sisters of the order, and never use our power for evil. We shall supply the world with the bounties of the Tootsie Roll forever. This we promise by punishment of Death. | ” |
—Recorded by: Hunter S. Thompson at an AOTRF meeting circa. 1962 | ||
- The Supreme Master of The Rolls- A Tootsie seed has never been seen outside of a Tootsie Pop. The Supreme Master of The Rolls is the only level of the order that knows how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop without destroying the seed.
- The Grand Growers- are the only level of the order that can translate the ancient text the AOTRF: Grower's Guide is written in. They tend to the crop and milk the animals.
- The Keepers of The Seed- they hold the secret locations of every Tootsie Pop on Earth. These locations are passed down through generations via song, poem, dance, or some combination of the three. Some Keepers of The Seed may not even know they are members of the order.
- The Pod Cutters- they are the bodyguards of the order. Their soul purpose is to protect the secret origins of the Tootsie Roll.
Modern Marvels Attributed To The AOTRF[edit]
The AOTRF did not just focus on the Tootsie; they helped invent and build some of the modern marvels of our time, including: The Hanging Gardens of Babylon, The Latex Condom, The Panama Canal, The Hoover Dam, The Doggy-Style position, The Grand Canyon, Ligers, The Canals of Venice, The Great Wall of China, The Grand Canyon, Nerf Footballs, The White House, and The Grand Canyon 2: Too Grand Too Canyonous .
World War Tootsie[edit]
In 1921, Alois Hitler (member of the AOTRF) finds his son Adolf cramming Tootsie Rolls up his own ass and the asses of his friends. Alois, infuriated, went to the order explaining his son's deviant behavior and begged them to never allow Adolf membership. The order granted his request. Scorned, Adolf forms the Nazi party vowing to clean the the world of the AOTRF. In 1938, Adolf Hitler siezes control of Germany and begins rounding up AOTRF members in hopes of forcing them to aid in his genetic Tootsie experiments. When the order refused, Hitler slaughtered over 6 million AOTRF members and completely eradicated the Grand Growers of the order. The United States turned the other cheek until Japan joined Hitler's Coalition of Growth, and on December 7, 1941, the Japanese bombed Mini Pearl's Harbor. President George W. Bush then ordered the atomic bombing of Berlin and Paris, thus ending World War Tootsie. Another Tootsie plant would not be grown until 3037 A.D., but the order would never give up on their mission.
Conspiracies Involving The AOTRF[edit]
- Frank Sinatra (Former AOTRF Keeper of The Seed) forces The Beatles to change the name of their upcoming album from Sgt. Tootsie's Lonely Hearts Club Band to Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band, claiming the mop-tops to be dirty communists.
- Dustin Hoffman (Former AOTRF Pod Cutter) forces the writer's of the hit television program The Facts of Life to change Kim Fields' character's name from Tootsie to Tootsie claiming there to be only one Tootsie and he was it.
- Gene Hackman (Former AOTRF Grand Grower)has Steve Guttenburg's carer slowly destroyed in Hollywood after being passed over for a role in Three Men And A Baby.
- Hank Williams (Former AOTRF Keeper of The Seed) writes I'm So Lonesome I could Cry after eating his last Tootsie Roll leading to the Great Depression.
- Shel Silverstein (Former AOTRF Pod Cutter) orders all copies of the book James and The Giant Tootsie Roll destroyed. The book would be re-released as James and The Giant Peach after Silverstein's death.
- Princess Di (Former AOTRF Grand Master of The Rolls) perishes in a car accident after a high speed chase involving Nazis. It is believed that she had found a child that could read the ancient text of the AOTRF: Grower's Guide. The child also perished.
- Thomas Jefferson and Theodore Roosevelt (Former AOTRF Grand Growers)are said to look east because they are looking toward the last Tootsie Pops. Lincoln and Washington are said to look West because they are searching for war.
Known Members Of The Secret Society[edit]
Albert Einstein, Paul Bunyan,Gene Hackman, Brian Curler, Stephen Colbert, Ajaw, Dimebag Darrell, Dr. Ron Paul, Romulus Augustus, The Burger King, Andrew "Dice" Clay, Frank Sinatra, Jubidah McMasterace, Franscois Schitnik, Peter Griffin, Hunter S. Thompson, Theodore Roosevelt, Alois Hitler, George and Thomas Jefferson, Shel Silverstein, Julien Dubuque, Gary Coleman, Helen Keller, Leonardo Di Vinci, Crazy Uncle Gene, Hank Williams I and Hank Williams III, Mother Goose, Bill Clinton, Joesph Merrick, Mozart, Bradly Noel, Marcy from The Peanuts Gang, Mike Becker, Susan B. Anthony, Father Time, Venus and Serena Williams, Winston Churchill, Sid Vicious, Lisa and O.J. Simpson, Molly Ringwald, Oscar Wilde, Chet Culver, Louis XVI, Richard IV, Picasso, The Man In The Moon, Fredrick Wilhelm Nietzsche, Loazi, Margret Thatcher, Isaac Newton, Los Angles Jesus of Anaheim, The Dairy Queen, Jimmy Carter, Alf, Teen Wolf, and Teen Wold Too.