Ancient Aliens
“If aliens came to Earth and said, 'Whoa! we've never been here before,' well yes, that might be a disproof.”
“The bread goes in, the toast pops out. Aliens.”
UNCYCLOPEDIA Senior Editor
Hello. Here at the Center for Ancient Astronaut Research, whose director I have been for over 12 years, we analyze phenomena from throughout human history — always adhering to the principles of science and reason. And providing engaging television entertainment to boot. (Wait! What was that? That buzzing! Did someone leave the door ajar — or is it — aliens???)
Aliens[edit]
There are phenomena throughout history that have resisted explanation. Aliens could be the key we are looking for. Consider the pyramids, how could such a complex basic shape be used both in Africa and South America, or the Easter Island heads? Trade winds and a boat you say, that's a viking fantasy novel. How do you explain the diarite stones of Puma Punku without anti gravity and power tools? Copper alloy drills and sand, you mean a wizard staff and magic crystals? Our experts in the Humanities are simply at a loss to explain these phenomena. The theory that they were all aliens neatly solves this mystery.
Ancient aliens and monsters[edit]
Everybody knows the legends of monsters such as Bigfoot, the Lochness monster, vampires, Winnie the Pooh, and Justin Bieber, right? What if these mysterious creatures were some kind of extraterrestrial experiment?
And another thing. The legend of the Frankenstein monster tells of a mad scientist who creates a hideous monster that lived. Seemed pretty realistic to me, just putting it out there. But what if the monsters we hear about shared a twin story line with that of Frankenstein? What if the monsters were projects of creatures from somewhere in the universe, and had a purpose to be sent here on Earth to scare us Halloween? It just makes perfect sense!
Another story tells of Bigfoot, a Yeti, a cryptid. In the stories, the Bigfoot is described as a creature standing nearly 7-12 feet tall. That even exceeds the tallest NBA stars including Michael Jordan, Yao Ming, Shaquille O'Neal, and Jeremy Lin. In 1847, Paul Kane reported this story told by the local natives about a Wildmen cannibalistic tribe who live on the peak of Mount Everest, who feast on humanoids and chicken wings, drowned with soda pop. The only thing I find false about this statement is the idea of a cannibalistic tribe. If they were indeed cannibals, then wouldn't they be eating those from their own tribe? Maybe they confused these wildmen for something or another species. Maybe something of another species from perhaps, another world?
Ancient aliens and the creation of the human race[edit]
We've been studying some body parts **cough**cough**penis**vagina**cough**. Anyway, we've come to a conclusion, the aliens made us. No, not China, the Extraterrestrial Chinese.
Recently, a guy discovered remains of a two million year old (very young, just saying) early human female and her son. The answer must be aliens. Its just so simple! Since the bones revealed that they walked upright, and had modern hands, it must be. It has to be, evolution. How does evolution occur? Definitely aliens.
Ancient aliens, erm, I mean homidads, hombibabs, hominominam, or whatever! Ok, aliens! No, I mean ancient humans! Yes, ancient humans had many types of FAIRY GOD ALIENS! Excuse me, I mean ancient human had many type of kinds coexisting. Darwin might have an explanation for this. **I**cough**have***cough**the**cough*answer*cough***aliens**cough*cough**
Darwin's theory of evolution was probably told to him by aliens, which is highly probable. Who else could he have gotten that idea from; his a rocket engine inventing grandfather? Months of studying birds in the Galapagos? No, it had to be aliens.
Darwin might have suggested that ancient humans had evolved to walk on feet, and so they used hands to make weapons to wage war. Obviously it was aliens. Darwin then said they evolved about 2,000 years ago into modern day humans. Many people, such as myself, dispute this theory. Why? There's no ancient aliens!
Obviously, we were stupid until the last couple tens of thousands of years, but now we're smart. Aliens man!
Since the book The Naked Ape was released in 1967, we can assume aliens are the reason we're less hairy than almost every single animal in the galaxy. Aliens are naked, and hot. So we became naked when they created us. Point proven.
Who created man? Aliens.
Ancient aliens and the greyish greys[edit]
Prehistoric sculptures of reptilian beings. Weird skulls dated nearly over three thousand years old! Those longated skulls were seen in Egyptian pornography and sculpting. This must mean one thing...they were people who were 1/4 human, 1/4 brony, 1/4 banana, and of course... 1/4 alien!
Aliens, just like those square Japanese watermelons; not pediatric skull braces you buffoon!
And finally[edit]
There can be no better explanation for Disney's The History Channel clearing this show for a fifth season starting on Friday, December 21, 2012: Aliens.