Why?:Stick Things in the Electrical Outlet
Ever wonder what happens if you stick a fork in the outlet? Yearning to find out what electricity tastes like? You'll learn that much and more if you just stop being such a wimp and stick something in!
This article is part of Uncyclopedia's Why? series. See more Why's?
Why Should I Do That?
There are several reasons why you should:
- Well first off, it's FUN! What could be more enjoyable than creating a nice BZZT!! when you put a quarter inside the outlet? It's your own personal light show!
- Next, it is easy to play with! No assembly required, unless you don't have any outlets in your house, in which case you probably aren't reading this. Conveniently placed low to the ground, it is easily accessible to most people, especially young children, for everyone's enjoyment.
- You want to watch TV? Read Uncyclopedia? Vacuum the carpet? Keep someone alive on life support? You got to plug it in! If you are reading this, you have already plugged at least one of those things in.
- Keep the kids entertained! Let junior experience the joy of outlets, by letting him plug not only his favorite toys, such as his light up globe and K'nex roller coaster, but your favorite toys too, such as your keys, credit cards, screwdrivers, assorted metal objects...etc. Junior will surely be buzzed, without the need of alcohol!
Convinced yet? No? Let's continue reading on into the various studies in outlet exploration.
Many people sought to understand the mysterious holes in the wall that make the TV and lamps turn on. For as long as they have been around, man has been prying and poking at it, putting random objects in it, and going as far as tasting it.
"Somehow, I don't think you thought your cunning plan all the way through"
It was reported that it was a young girl, Sally, who was the first person to experiment with outlets. Sally tricked her friend, Billy into sticking a knife into one, telling him it was part of a secret plan to unlock a hidden door. Billy showed last minute regrets: "Somehow, I don't think you thought your cunning plan all the way through", he said, before shoving the knife in. The police reported the event as "attempted suicide".
"But the wall was hungry!"
A 2 1/2 year old schizophrenic toddler reportedly poured pancake batter in the outlet after the wall complained that it wanted to taste the pancake batter the boy's mother was making. When asked why he (the boy) did it, he said: "I was gonna bring him (an outlet) some done ones, but Tommy (another outlet) said he wanted to taste em raw. So I did." The pancakes and the walls burned that morning.
In the late '50s, there was an explosion of activity in suburban homes all across the world. New electrical appliances came out, and more and more outlets showed up in homes. Soon, there was a surplus of outlets just waiting there, like little lab tables, waiting to be experimented with.
Hamster Conductivity Test
A small group of young physicists from MIT sought out to explore the understudied science of bioelectricity. For this test, three test subjects were obtained of the species Cricetus cricetus, labeled "Snuggles," "Hammy," and, a control subject, "Nibbles". The experiment was to determine the conductivity of the species, by placing the subjects into an electrical outlet. The results were, shockingly, in accordance to Ohm's law, which states that:
The results showed conclusively that due to their high resistance to being held, hamsters would not make good conductors, but do make decent pets.
Electrical Conductivity of the Human Body
The young scientists last sought to test the conductivity of their own bodies using the same procedure, with each scientist being his own test subject. One placed a fork in the outlet. Sparks flew. Next, one plugged in a hairdryer conveniently placed next to a full bathtub. Good thing nobody was in it at the time. The final scientist simply placed a finger in the socket. The results certainly short-circuited their proverbial "idea light bulbs". Future experiments were soon curtailed due to new "outlet protectors".
Electrical Conductivity of Sexual Organs
Sticking one's reproductive organs in an electrical outlet is one of the most extreme things you can do with not only yourself, but with outlets. The sexual experience has been described as "electrifying," "stunning," and "smokin'," with a side of electrical burns. In doing this, one's experience may include excited giggling, bright flashes of light, burning smell, a "tingly" sensation, abrupt cardiac fillibration, loss of breath, fainting, loss of brain cells, and loss of life. But hey, what are the odds of that happening?
What's in the Outlet?
A Living Thing
Those two eye-like holes and a mouth like one brings a misconception that the outlet is in fact a living thing. This is further reinforced by the way the plugs tend to give off energy when things are plugged into it, in accordance with the concept that all living things need food, and their ability to make other outlets when properly equipped gives the outlet an uncanny resemblance to a living thing.
For that reason, it is often necessary for some to feed and care for their outlets, which may seem shocking to some, but is actually completely normal. In fact, the National Homeowners Association recommends feeding your outlets continuously with little plastic army men and play-doh, and a bi-weekly administration of a pair of safety scissors to increase energy production and reduce electric bills. Sometimes, outlets will get angry and turn on appliances, shoot out sparks, and/or shock you or burn your house down. In that case, the outlet has been very bad and should be punished accordingly, by putting in a plastic outlet protector and starving it.
A Secret Lair
All great action figures know that the secret entrance to the villains' secret bunker in the toaster is secretly opened by inserting the secret key into the secret electrical outlet secretly. However, It was later discovered by Aquaman, after a previous electrifying encounter with an evil Superman, that they could skip all the elongated dramatic shots and gripping dialog if they would just turn the knob on the toaster on, and permanently vanquish their foe once and for all. That was not the case for Flash and Hawk girl, who both died horrible deaths when they were both left in the villain's secret prison, the microwave, during a torturous interrogation session.
Plastic army men also know of the benefits of having an outlet nearby. Not only can they use it to power their armored monster trucks, but it makes a great "Doomsday device" when a tank round (represented by a screwdriver) hits it and causes the enemy army to run in terror. In the massive "Second Battle of Kitchen Sink," the leader of the Green army, Sarge, filled the sink with water, so it would act as a natural barrier, slowing the initial charge of Tan army tanks. Then, as the Tan army started to swim across, he pushed the kitchen radio into the sink, fully killing 1/3 of the Tan army. Never again did the Tan army fight indoors.
A Golden Surprise
Younger children are often especially gullible, especially when they are told what something is, especially by an especially violent and emotionally disturbed older sibling, especially. A prime example is the "golden surprise" inside every outlet. In order to reach the "surprise", they must put a screwdriver in the outlet and pry open the door to get the "surprise". Contrary to the older siblings' allegations, the "golden surprise" is nothing more than a few pieces copper and zinc, worth about 10 cents, and a very energetic--and extremely painful--experience.
But Why Would I Do That?
So are you convinced yet? A little unsure? Thats ok.
There is always some concern over the safety of doing such things, such as pouring boiling water down your pants, and cutting your head off with a chainsaw. SO the question then, is Why? Because we know that they is the unexplained need to do so - it gnaws and claws at your very soul; it speaks to you in the dreams that you repress. It is normal to have urges Mrs. DeWinter, you can only suppress them for so long; curiosity is a normal sign of a fully functioning mind, you simply need to say to yourself that "I am helpless, Mrs. Danvers, I cannot fight this any longer. Where did you put the damned awl?"
But if you pay attention, we're not forcing you to do anything, just giving you suggestions. I would try it if I were you. But I'm not you, so go ahead and do what you want anyway. Sure, there are a few hazards, you know, the usual burns, cuts, scrapes, mild electrocution...etc. But look at the benefits: Experience. Why give up a chance at doing something so devilishly fun as sticking assorted objects into your nearest outlet? In fact, why don't you go do it now? You will? Awesome!! Here take this screwdriver...hold it like this and jam it in on the count of 3:
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