Venial sins
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This article contains unquestionable divine truths.
Anyone who does question will be branded a heretic.
Any and all heretics will be guillotined immediately.
“Venality clearly has no 'w' in it, sir.”
“Does bestiality count?”
Venial sins are sins, which barely qualify as sins (unlike the evil mortal sins), and therefore should be treated as good moral actions. People do them all the time, but are rarely punished for them, so the Catholic Church has adopted a "Sweep under that Basilica Carpet" Doctrine which teaches that people can commit these sins as long as they're cool with their local parishes' illegal BINGO contests (1st Prize- Not being killed)
Punishment for Commitment of a Venial Sin[edit]
Even the most devout person has lapses of judgment that torment one to the very fiery pits of hell. These sins, such as murder and rape haunt one until death and the afterlife and are the subject of much debate concerning how one can rid oneself of the indelible mark that is mortal sin.
Then there are venial sins.
Assuming you remembered that you sinned at all, there are ways to redeem your soul from these laughably small sins. These include:
- Cold Shower
- Prayer, but only in a place that will make other people feel awkward about it
- Confession, taking form of the game "two truths and a lie"
- One of those new-age drugs all the kids go on about these days
- Push-ups (at least ten with good form)
- Binge Drinking until you forget what you did in the first place
- Narc on the sinner next to you.
- Eternal damnation
- Commit more sins to make previous sins look good by comparison
Of course, you could always pretend these sins never occurred and therefore nullify the effect. Satan and Jesus would remember, but one never really has the opportunity to sit down with those guys and really talk about things. Rather than admit to these oft-embarrassing and petite sins, most religious scholars agree: It is best to pretend like you never sinned at all.
Saint Thomas Aquinas, a famed Catholic theologian and Texas Hold'em enthusiast explains this precept in his 16th century manuscript, "Guns, Bitches and Kodine: The Catholic Way Forward"
Tis divine to not sin, but as it were, perhaps thy sinning be best swepteth beneath a bloody rag or something of the like. When one ponders the issue, maybe the Jesus fellow was a bit of a prig. I mean, who doesn't sin? And Mary! A virgin to be sure! Methinks something devious hath been swept 'neath a rag.
"All your souls are belong to us!" - The Catholic View of the World[edit]
For the pure of heart, a compilation of venial sins was created during the 1950's as the government's response to Rock 'n Roll. It failed, but the compilation remains the most complete collection of trivial and minor sins to date.
The Catholic Church has prescribed a list of venial sins based on a 2000-year-old book, century-old conventions, Lao Tzu, Ronald Reagan, several DC comic books, fourteen acid trips, a bootleg DVD of Ghostrider, a sprinkle of pixie dust and The DaVinci Code. Here is a brief, abridged version of the Catholic Cataclysm, entitled, "All your souls are belong to us." and the first authors note is "oh no. satan set us up da bomb!"
Chapter I - The Sins of Being-Born that Way[edit]
If you have been born to look different than other people and exhibit qualities which set you apart, you are a sinner. Though a venial sin, your unique personality traits make you dangerous. Please refrain from acting differently. We suggest you paint your house white and only read Bibles.
Examples of Sins of Born Uniqueness:
- Being Catholic
- Being Irish
- Being Asian
- Masturbating
- Owning a Cat
- Being a Woman
- Being Blind/Deaf
- Being a Man
- Being Gay
- Being Fat
FUN FACT!: Helen Keller went straight to hell because of this!
Chapter II - The Sins of Logic[edit]
Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. You are surely not reading this text. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. You are surely not reading this text. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. You are surely not reading this text. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK. Believing anything we tell you is OK.
Examples of Sins of Logical Thought:
- Evolution
- Mathematics
- Theory of Gravitation
- Spell Check
- Education
- Failure to Succumb to Peer Pressure
- Study of the Allegorical Nature of the Bible
DID YOU KNOW:
Chapter III - The Sins of Enjoyment[edit]
By this point, you must be thinking how difficult it is to subscribe to these rules. Don't, however think that the Catholic Church isn't here to help you. The Sins of Enjoyment are the most difficult to conquer, so here is an easy song approved by the Catholic Church to help parishoners avoid the Sins of Enjoyment:
- If it's fun, stop.
- If it's fun, stop.
- If it's fun, stop.
- Or ye shall be raped by fi-re.
Examples of Sins of Enjoyment:
- Love
- Dimples
- Colored Clothing
- Modern medicine
- Balloons
- Having money that doesn't belong to the church
- Laughter
- Facial expressions other than frowns
- Friendship
- Genitalia
- Cute animals
- Naked ankles
- Children playing
- Any Rhythmic Gyrations that can be construed as fun
Chapter IV - Sins of Vice[edit]
So you think you can strut around the earth like hot-shit, eh? You know what's hot?
HELL!
Examples of Sins of Vice:
- Toilet Use
- Skipping a Song on iPod
- Failure to thank Jesus for God Mode in video games
- Allowing Women to Vote
- Tolerating people who are different from you.
- Second Degree Murder
Chapter V - Sins of Stupidity[edit]
Sometimes, humans are weak and do things that make God question his decision to make us in His image. For instance: The Washington Monument - Giant Dildo perhaps? Don't worry, God loves everyone in spite of their lapses, so he won't get angry... that is of course unless you believe in some "other" god (with an emphasis on the lower-case 'G')
Examples of Sins of Stupidity:
- Hitting on a soft 19 in blackjack
- Mistaking someone from Ohio as being a human being.
- Being a contestant on an NBC gameshow
- Believing yourself to be beautiful, no matter what they say.
- Belief in World Peace (that's for God to decide, not you.)
- At this point, mentioning Chuck Norris at all in any context says something about your character--likely some flaw you are better off addressing now rather than later.