V.S.P. Syndrome
“Geez Laura, I'm the freakin' President! What more do you want?”
“Uh, the pool boy, maybe?”
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WARNING!! Due to the graphic nature of this condition, contents may be disturbing to the more sensitive population. Viewer discretion is advised. |
V.S.P. Syndrome (not to be confused with E.S.P.) has only recently entered the spotlight of medical research. Due to personal shame and social stigma, sufferers of this condition had remained well-hidden until a decade ago. V.S.P. and male E.S.P. can be quite serious and even life-threatening in certain situations. While the cause is difficult to find, scientists suspect the culprit is miniscule.
Definition[edit]
V.S.P. (Very Small Penis) Syndrome can be difficult to detect, but with the use of x10 magnification, the problem becomes apparent (natural male enhancement). V.S.P. Syndrome is considered to be a “stage 1” condition with possible dangerous consequences, while [male] E.S.P. (Extremely Small Penis) Syndrome is marked as “stage 2” and considered to be potentially lethal. Suffers of E.S.P. Syndrome should seek immediate medical attention or campaign for President. Though V.S.P. is very difficult to detect, sufferers are all too familiar with the syndrome’s effects – or lack thereof. But thanks to today’s advanced technology of micron-microscopes and alternative light sources, that which was once invisible to the naked eye can now be observed and studied.
Possible causes[edit]
Scientists have several theories as to the possible causes of these syndromes, though the consensus is argumentative at best. One school of thought supports the theory of genetics; believing V.S.P. and [male] E.S.P. are simply inherited from the father. This theory states that through the evolutionary process (or, in this case, de-evolution), the XY chromosome mutates, becoming permanently infantile. A second mutation theory involves speculation that a man of normal penile status engaging in years of obsessive/compulsive masturbation resulted in mutating his XY chromosome. This highly conservative theory is, of course, cousin to hysterical beliefs that masturbation leads to blindness, still widely taught be the Evangelic community. The third school of thought proposes that a woman with E.L.V. Syndrome (Extremely Large Vagina) engaging in sexual intercourse with a man of any penile status would perceive her partner as having V.S.P. (or E.S.P.). Her belief in this misconception could be so strong and genetically convincing to actually alter her partner’s XY chromosome upon conception. Existing primitive tribes of the Amazon, Ethiopia, and Australia believe the syndrome is caused by evil spirits. The sufferer is either killed or banished from the tribe. Fortunately, in the civilized world of the 21st century, men plagued by V.S.P. or [male] E.S.P. Syndrome have many available options of relief.
Sociological research[edit]
In our society, "Long Slong" is most commonly believed to be a symbol of power and super-human strength, while V.S.P. and [male] E.S.P. are psychologically associated with frailty and weakness (wimp). However, V.S.P. was first exposed during the Clinton/Lewinsky scandal when it was discovered that (former) President Clinton suffers from V.S.P. First thought to be a fluke that such a limited specimen of manhood could attain a position of power, it has since been determined to be an extremely common phenomenon. A recent sociologic survey showed that 97% of Americans and foreign dignitaries believe that Presidents and other offices held in high esteem are filled by men with Long Slong. However, scientific medical studies reveal quite the opposite. In fact, 99% of Presidents, C.E.O.s, Senators, and foreign leaders suffer from V.S.P. Hitler, Stalin, and Mussolini were all plagued by E.S.P. Syndrome. The same findings apply to men with slick, fast sports cars, Hummers, and other high-performance vehicles.
Yet another general consensus (popular myth) held by the American public for at least a century is that large men – tall and robust – with large hands and feet have Long Slong. This belief has also been proven false. On the contrary, males who are genetically programmed to become very tall/large fall victim to V.P.S. In boyhood, the body’s energies and growth hormones are concentrated toward the development of excessive stature and outwardly proportionate features. As a result, the penis is overlooked by the genetic make-up and thus, forever overlooked. These men are obsessively driven to establish and prove their masculinity by seeking positions of great power and authority (which includes but is not limited to the Missionary Position). Contrary to popular belief, men of lesser or no ambition – those who prefer simple manual labor and those who prefer to sit at computers all day – have a much greater probability of possessing Long Slong. Men who actually have Long Slong have no driving need to prove themselves or attain positions of control. However, there are reported cases of men with E.S.P. Syndrome who remain behind computer screens 24/7, primarily lurking in adolescent chat rooms and porn sites. The most desirable of the human species are the creators and contributors of a wiki known as Uncyclopedia. This lengthy and tight group of people have been found to be the most perfect specimens of homo-sapiens.
Problems and solutions[edit]
In most cases, it is highly advised that men with V.S.P. or E.S.P. do not become fat, but should avoid obesity and, especially, women with E.L.V. These are conditions the patients might never recover from, and could prove fatal. It is recommended that men with V.S.P. find a woman with female E.S.P. (Extra Sensitive Pussy). Her heightened sensations and perception of reality will enable her to fully enjoy her V.S.P. partner. However, if such a man is unable to find such a woman, obesity may be a preferable option to rejection.
It is possible for an obese man with V.S.P. to experience the sensation of sexual intercourse simply by moving side-to-side, causing his V.S.P. to become engulfed in the soft, sweaty folds of his lower abdomen, simulating the experience of vaginal penetration. Thus, hands-free self-gratification. (He really screwed himself that time!) It is important to note that regular cleansing of these inner folds is highly recommended. A victim of either V.S.P. or [male] E.S.P. may also consider homosexuality, as penile endowment (or, the lack thereof) is irrelevant. Another consideration is a female partner with pop-bottle-lens glasses, as she sees everything in extreme magnification (and probably can’t get any other man). A normal-size penis would be extremely frightening to such a woman and could lead to heart failure.
Conclusion[edit]
A final option to consider for V.S.P. is a sex-change operation – either through hormone-replacement therapy and sexual re-orientation; or, to use the same surgical procedure by which females who desire sexual re-assignment are given a penis. These prosthetic members created for such patients are much more desirable than V.S.P. Remember, Smiling Bob can offer only a “swelling” of pride, producing a mere one-dimensional effect – which is not the dimension needed for V.S.P. Syndrome. Unless of course you suffer from V.S.P.-2 (Very Skinny Penis) as opposed to V.S.P.-1 (Very Short Penis).