University of Kent

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The University of Kent at Canterbury is a British university of blunt academic superiority. Overlooking Canterbury atop the peak of Mount Doom, UKC is governed by a council of wealthy Hasidic Jews, whose primary goal is to make UKC the single most expensive university in Soviet Britain, and ultimately achieve world domination through subliminal brainwashing via Moodle.


UKC was established in 1765 by a relative of the King, who originally had the site constructed as a military base/concentration camp where non-Apple users and Austrian pædophiles would be detained in Rutherford and Eliot and eventually fed to upper-classmen. The king abandoned this business endeavor when he discovered the marketing potential of advertising CCCU as a university with high employability. UKC was then taken over by Rabbi Hyman Krustofski, who transformed it into a campus which would yearly admit over 4,300 students to not go to lectures, generate renewable heat energy by queuing outside Venue for a minimum of 37 hours, and who loved to be regularly subjected to rectal examinations from Campus Watch.

Colleges and Accommodation[edit]

Rutherford and Eliot are the two main prison blocks on campus which switch places daily to prevent attendance at lectures and seminars and to encourage students to appreciate the complexity of solving mazes. There is also Keynes college, which has housed the richest of UKC students such as Alan Davies, The Archbishop of Hogwarts and Chuck Norris. At the edge of campus, over the Great Wall of China is a former Soviet state known as Parkwood, which after the abdication of absolute monarch Osama Bin Laden in 2001 became a republic governed by Robert Mugabe, who remains in office today. Mugabe and Rabbi Krustofski signed a peace treaty in 2009 which legalised the presence of Parkwood students on campus on the proviso that they agreed to be labelled as second-class citizens who live in the UKC equivalent of council housing.


UKC provides many facilities on campus, primarily a supermarket called Essentials. Essentials is a branch of the Cooperative, whose only differences are that Essentials is a different name and its pricing was formulated by Mojo Jojo and his band of money-grubbing monkey minions. Recent studies have shown that the average price for any sandwich from essentials is £37, which the Hasidic Jewish Council claims is a beneficial price to the students as it gives them the opportunity to book shit like The Saturdays for the UKC Summer Ball. Other facilities include a nightclub called the Templeman Library and the Gulbenkian Cinema, a place where the UKC Fascist Society regularly screens Nazi propaganda. Most of UKC's economical boom however comes from their off licence Extras, where 42,000 bottles of Frosty Jacks and Biddenden Kentish Cider are sold and consumed daily.

Degree Programmes[edit]

UKC offers a range of courses ranging from Modern Grunting BA (Hons) to David Beckham Studies With a Year in Industry. The Student employability is very high for UKC graduates, particularly in the Ministry of Magic and in governing the CCCU slave trade. Lecturers have recently complained about the high number of Red Bull deliveries during lectures, complaints that were swiftly quashed by the public execution of senior lecturer Darth Vader by his Greenpeace Stormtroopers outside the Marlowe building in spring 2012.

Night Life[edit]

UKC offers one nightclub called The Venue, a reptile house in which students intoxicate themselves every Wednesday and Saturday by purchasing snake bites. Patrons must also adhere to the strict dress-code of "no underwear or dignity". Half-giant female bouncers are routinely equipped with antivenom and bear mace to control the students whilst they take part in wholesome activites such as listening to the same fucking music that's played every night, and then going to the smoking area to start a fight with someone. There is also an abandoned shack above The Venue called The Attic, where students that die on campus are taken to be buried and left in peace, quiet and solitude, undisturbed for all time.


UKC has been in a perpetual state of construction since it opened in 1765. The first buildings, Rutherford and Eliot College, were both designed with layouts intended to cause confusion and hopelessness to all who enter. Every year, groups of students find themselves getting lost, starving and cold in the labyrinths within each building. Frequent search parties are sent in to find missing people, who are usually found dead after weeks without food. It is now advised that students bring their own rope when entering either of the buildings, so they can trace their way out again. The completion of the Templeman West refurbishment came as a shock to all around campus, including the builders themselves; who were unaware such a feat was possible. Templeman East's refurbishment is not expected to be complete for another 83 years, because the builders procrastinate on the job even more than the students around them. In 2015, planning permission was granted by the Archbishop of Canterbury to allow the construction of a chairlift spanning from the bottom of Eliot footpath up to central campus, in an attempt to reduce the number of fatigue-related deaths caused by students trying to get to lectures.

See Also[edit]