United States Marine Corps
The United States Marines are BAMF compared to the Royal Marines and the SAS, this excluding the British royal marine fleet protection group. They have never lost a single battle or war in the history of their existence because they have fought along side the British, then turning to them and overwhelming them with pure savagery. The United states of America also get into a conflict then wins it easly , without the British. They are considered the beasts of the earth and claim they eat Americas enemy for breakfast with a side of homegrown enemies, ie, hippie commie peace freaks, Democrats, the US Air Force, and on occasion their own officers. They wake up every morning with the hope of dismembering their enemy and defiling their civilizations. They are renowned around the globe for their interrogation techniques of captured prisoners, which yield useful information 97.2% of the time.
Some methods employed by the Marines are forcing prisoners to listen to Dane Cook for 48 hours straight, intimidating them into taking any Chrysler vehicle for a test-drive, and forcing Muslim captives to consume the Wendy's Baconator against their will.
According to "Grand old Man of the Marine Corps," Archibald Henderson, the story goes that back in 1775, when Archie Baker owned Tun Tavern in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. One day he and a group of drunks decided that they were going to form a militia to do all the dangerous shit the Army was too scared to do, waste the enemy. Well, since Sam was the least drunk of the lot, he made himself captain. After some careful planning he decided, "you know what.. I bet I can get these drunk bastards to perform an amphibious landing assault." So they sailed to New Providence Bahamas. Since Captain Nichols didn't have much money to spend, he rationed out enough rum to make sure the crew didn't mind not being paid, and to keep morale up. Hell, they were drunks anyway. When they got to New Providence, the British had already left to conquer the good parts of the world, leaving little behind save some munitions, a few barrels of gun powder, and some rum. Although only mildly successful, (and despite the heavy celebrating afterward) this was enough to establish the Marines as a part of the Continental defenses, though small in number. It was soon after that Samuel Nichols thought... "you know what... I started this. That makes me in charge." Thus he became the first Commandant of the Marine Corps.
The Marine Corps then went on to bring America victory in every war the country has ever participated in, including not limited to the War of 1812, The War of 1812 II: The Revenge, World War I, World War II, The Second American Revolution (the invisible one), The Vietnam War (twice), The Cold War, The War on Terror, Nancy Reagen's War on Drugs, The War on Poverty, The War on the Middle-class, and especially the War on Christmas. Chuck Norris hates happiness. Period.
In later years the Marines grew into what it is today... a load of badasses doing all the dirty work the Army, including the ghosts from GRAW, is too pussy to do on their own , a bunch of killtacular muthafuckas who are not afraid of shit, who would rather die than back down from a fight. This then creates veritable gods out of a pack of gun-toting, drunken, wholesome kind of god fearing Americans, restoring the natural order to the world once again.
Every Boot, Greenhorn, Leatherneck, Rookie, Buck Private, Redneck (rookie leatherneck), Cadet, and N00B who signs up for the corps already has to have the courage to sign up for the corps in the first place, but every promising young trainee must prove he is worthy to be a Marine through a vigorous training regimen. The Drill Instructors call this training regimen, Paycheck Camp, while pretty much everyone else calls it "The Worst 12 Weeks of your Miserable Lives". The training exercises are harsh, severe, cruel, and downright weird, and many of the trainees don't make it and end up going back to the unemployment line.
05:00: The Drill Instructor wakes the trainees up by yelling at them to 'Rise and Shine' with a megaphone.
05:30: The Drill Instructor berates the trainees and then sends them to march through a live round targeting range.
06:15: Time for the daily beating.
14:00: The Drill Instructor gets tired of watching his trainees suffer and goes to the barracks to play Call of Duty, sip his latte, and watch porn.
14:35: Soccer. Trainees vs. Seal Team 6.
16:05: After losing 0-200 the Drill Instructor berates the trainees even more, then he straps 300 pound weights to their backsides and sends them to climb Mt. Vertical.
17:05: Dinner. The trainees talk trash about their superiors behind their back, but Drill Instructors see, hear, smell, and taste literally everything in a 10 mile radius.
17:25: After pretending to "find out" that the trainees have been talking about him behind his back, the sarge send the trainees through the firing range yet again.
17:55: Lessons in unarmed combat, due to budget cuts, the trainers use the trainees as punching bags to show the trainees the right technique through example.
18:55: Water break
19:00: Lessons in armed combat, Trainees are to practice hitting the bullseye of a target, yet due to further budget cuts, the rifles shoot blanks, and a hit or miss is judged by the shooter's own intuition.
19:17: Despite having blanks, the exercises are cut short due to friendly fire. The Sarge sends the trainees through the live round targeting range for the rest of the lesson.
20:00: Formation exercise
20:30: Disappointed by terrible results, the Drill Instructor sends the trainees through the live round targeting range again, because "fuck 'em".
21:00: Paratrooper exercises. Due to further budget cuts, the trainees are launched by the aid of a giant rubber band.
22:00: Trainees hit the rowing machines.
22:30: The trainees celebrate the fact that they have survived the day by giving out high-fives. The Drill Instructor complains about the noise and sends them though the firing range.
23:01-2359: The Drill Instructor finds everyone in his 10-mile area of guardianship who called him "sarge" and kills them.
00:00: Air-raid drill
The Marines currently operate the most deadly war machines known to man. The USMC's R&D department is proactively regulated by Chuck Norris, and their designs are constructed to meet the Marine's minimum casualty rate of at least 100% Muslim Deaths.
For close combat and hand-to-hand combat, the Corps' preferred weapon is the trusty M-11 bayonet when they blindly rush at their enemies and totally fuck shit up! When necessary, an accepted practice is to use soldiers as makeshift shields/bayonets/clubs/battering rams. Sailors double as doormats/MRE substitutes. Another accepted weapon is the AT-4 Anti-Tank/People/Building Rocket. It is believed to actually be one of Chuck Norris' pubic hairs. The USMC standard rifle is the M-41A Pulse Rifle seen on the left. This rifle was found in some random space ship by General Eisenhower.
During the Pirate-Ninja War, Chuck Norris was attacked by a ninja wielding a chainsaw. (Genius idea. No sarcasm intended.) Supreme Commander Norris ass-raped the ninja with his own chainsaw, then he drank five quarts of piss and vinigar, and then a shot of gasoline from the chainsaw's gas tank (which not much was left-- Chuck Norris is very selfish). What was shawt (haha rappar shitz) out is referred to as the M1B Rocket Propelled Chainsaw, which the Marines use for crowd control and humanitarian missions. Chuck Norris is so "tough", he uses it to shave his balls.
The USMC standard uniform is unique in that its camouflage pattern utilizes a series of pixels and simple colors, much like a computer image. While many believe that the purpose of this design is to "disrupt" the Marines outline and cause them to blend into their environment, its actual function is to trick the enemy into believing they have somehow have been drawn into some sort of real life game of Counter-Strike, causing them to start bunny-hopping out of cover and be subsequently mowed down by waiting M27 Cattanks and barrages of anti-faggotry kitten missiles. This design was pioneered by Some guy during the US entry into the Second Cat Bun Wars and has been used ever since. It eventually replaced the tried and true clown-o-flauge uniform in 1963.
The Marines' superior equipment has often been the deciding factor in many conflicts, including the Vietnam War, where their superior helicopters and air-ground co-ordination allowed them to beat the Vietnamese twice. If you don't believe this you are almost certainly a terrorist. Or a communist. Or a communist terrorist. Fucking commie.
The Marines are also issued all the worn out equipment and weapons that the Army is tired of using.
They especially enjoy sodomizing Airmen after hurling them through bar room windows on Gate 2 street in Okinawa.
Take it in the ass recruit: You memorize random shit that changes day to day, and are incapable of doing anything right. Bottom line, YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!
Boot: Congratulations, you are now allowed to draw with crayons on the bulkheads(walls) and throwing shit on the rafters. But you're still incapable of doing anything right. Bottom line, YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!
Slave: You can now clean barracks floors with a potato instead of your bare foot but you are still wrong. However you will still find yourself freaking out when anyone with a campaign hat approaches you, going to attention and spouting, "Sir, This recruits still need to pee, Sir!"
Endentured Servant: You are not held accountable for anything and your qualification requirements are a cakewalk. You can use a cleaning rag now. You are also given the most important jobs in the Marine Corps, e.g. fixing $20M aircraft, guarding the front gate of the base from untrustworthy Dominos Pizza and UPS drivers, and being accountable for munitions build-up that could clear the entire base population with one mistake.
Janitor: You can now use a mop. Be happy, this is the last cleaning position left. Congratulations you are now the backbone of the Marine Corps.
Sergeanitor: If you are E-5, you're the shit. Nothing gets done without you there. Marines still see you as one of them and happily do your bidding as long as you give them breaks or bring in food every now and then. Under your oversight, the unit runs like a well-tuned engine. Officers actually give you sincere compliments.
Staff Sergeanitor: If you are E-6 or E-7 you are entering the muddy echelons of the MArine Corps bureaucracy. You find yourself increasingly unwilling to "Git R Done" unless there's accompanying paperwork. It is your job to make sure the lowest ranks do both their jobs and yours, or you are in trouble and it is all your fault. Once you break your troops and gain the allegiance of your SNCOs, you can sit around and play on the computer all day long. If not, the most you can hope for in your short career is a couple of games of Minesweeper. Gunnery Janitor: You are now a demigod.
Master Janitor (First Janitor): "Clean it up, I'll be back in 5"
Master Gunnery Janitor: If you are E-8, you have a keen interest in the nuances of petty rules and regulations. You are an avid connoisseur of bloated management and training programs, and you see every one of them as having a home at your squadron, even though they will invariably be uprooted after you PCS. As you get more incompetent and lose qualification in your career field, you will be asked to a lot of golf games and unit volleyball events. Accept these appointments or you will be effectively cast out of the management hierarchy.
Janitor Major: If you are E-9, you made it! You no longer need to screw anyone over to make promotion. Relax. It's your job to barbecue, take care of the wives of deployed servicemembers (if you know what we mean), and figure out what to watch on cable TV or satellite TV. Have a seat! Sit in a chair of some kind. Right there will do. Do you have a tee time for the weekend at the base golf course? You need to randomly be on the green. Dumbass ward officer first ass: You pilot rickety aircraft
Noob, Potato, Asshat, Leiutenant Assclown, Assclown, Despot, Dictator, Orc, Tyrannosaurus Rex.
Special comendant Rank held by single person. Sergeanitor Major of the M'reen Corps, Bruce Lee.
The success of any given Marine offensive is entirely dependent on a threatening-sounding Operation Name. For instance, the Marine invasion of Fallujah, designated "Operation: Phantom Fury", completely succeeded in destroying Iraqi willpower. History shows us that the Haj defense fell apart when they learned what the attack on them was named.
Conversely, conflicts with pansy names like "Operation: Market Garden" and "Operation: Iraqi Freedom" typically become synonymous with "Operation: Incredible Fuck-up." Even training exercises fall prey to this curse. In the late '70s there was a training exercise at 29 Palms called "Operation: Varsity Kleenex." Eight Marines perished even though it was a routine training exercise with no real enemy at all — just the Operation Name. This led the Marine Corps to adjust the name of all future military operations to suggest intense conflict. The War in Iraq, for instance has been renamed from "Operation: Iraqi Freedom" to "Operation: Radical Chainsaw Skullfuck", and the War on Terror will now be known as "Operation: Epic As Manowar and Dragonforce Combined. Victory Is Expected By Tomorrow."
Famous Heroes of the Marine Corps
Chesty "BullDick" Puller
Mega General Lewis Bulldick "Chesty" Puller was an officer in the United States Marine Corps and is the 2nd most decorated Marine in history (next to Chuck Norris). Puller is the only United States Marine to receive sixty-five Navy Crosses, the United States second highest decoration after the Medal of Honor (which he has 19 of). During his career, he fought guerrillas in Haiti and Africa, Martians on the moon, once he even beat Superman down with a pair of Kryptonite knuckles and participated in some of the bloodiest battles of World War IV .He holds the World Record for most babies eaten in 20 min with 169 (a whole Vietnamese village)and also has the record for most people killed with an E-Tool at 836.
"All right, they're on our left, they're on our right, they're in front of us, they're behind us...they can't get away this time"
"Great. Now we can shoot at those bastards from every direction."
"We’re surrounded. That simplifies our problem of getting to these people and killing them"
"Remember, you are the 1st Marines! Not all the Communists in Hell can overrun you!"
"Take me to the Brig. I want to see the real Marines."
"Alright you bastards, try and shoot me!"
"Where do you put the bayonet?" (upon seeing a M2 flamethrower for the first time)
"You don't hurt 'em if you don't hit 'em."
"Hit hard, hit fast, hit often."
"Retreat! Hell, we're just advancing in a different direction."
"It's stuck in my zipper!!"
Often known by his nickname "CocK Rubber", Herman is among the Marine's most decorated Veterans. During an attack on the Vietnamese village of Luv Yu Long Tim, Herman's platoon came under attack by a group of no good commies (who were cheating by using the AWP, fucking whores). He proceeded to fire back but a broken string on his M142 Flying-V rendered him completely defenseless. Facing certain annihilation, Sgt. Herman used his clown-o-flauge uniform to sneak into the NVA stronghold. He then used a form of throat vibration he had learned in a Thai Whore-house to throw his voice and make the Vietnamese soldiers believe that their couches, tables, globes, clocks, and other furniture had gained consciousness and were now speaking to them in silly voices. Because all communists hold a shared believe that talking furniture foretells the coming of Armageddon, the NVA soldiers descended on each other in a terrified, bloodthirsty orgy of madness induced violence and knifed each other all to death. The event is referenced to this day (erroneously) as the My Lai massacre. Pee Wee was honored for his courage and cunning with the Presidential Medal of Awesome and given an immediate promotion to General of Children's Television. His exploits are covered frequently in the world-famous documentary Pee-Wee's Playhouse.
Perhaps the most famous hero in the history of the Corps (besides Chuck Norris), Mr. Rodgers single handedly ended World War II by first storming Iwo Jima by himself, killing every single defender. He then briefly stopped off in Okinawa for a quick drink and a few puffs, being sure to liberate it before he left and then proceeded on his way to the Germany, so he could kill some Hun's before the war ended, managing to arrive just in time to battle Hitler for control of the Dragon Balls. Rodgers eventually defeated Hitler's final form with the help of some conveniently placed meat shields and Royal Marines. Once Hitler was dealt with Mr. Rodgers found Herman Goering and forced him to fly Rogers to Japan. Once over the city of Hiroshima Rogers whipped out a snappy one liner, gouged out Goering's eyes and threw him off the plane with such force that the impact caused a fission reaction, leveling the city of Hiroshima. Feeling his mission accomplished Rodgers jumped out of the plane over Nagasaki, landing perfectly on his feet and killing everyone within three miles of the city. The Japanese soon surrendered. He was given the Presidential Medal of Asskicking
7 years after Footloose, Kevin Bacon joined the Marine Corps. When he achieved the rank of Captain, he was opposite two Marines in a court case, and Colonel Jack Nicholson got mad and said very naughty things. 17 years later, Lieutenant Colonel Kevin Bacon, today, does the Footloose dance in his Dress Blues. Sometimes he plays softball with Lieutenant Tom Cruise.
“The ass of a true Marine...”
Jessica Biel served in the Corps for 20 years during WW2. Most of her missions involved smothering high ranking Wehrmacht officials with her buttocks. With every kill she made, she added an inch to her ass. Her 80 inch custom "ass" fatigues are now cryogenically frozen in a fridge, floating somewhere in space.
Do not ever mention Smedley Butler. EVER. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME SHITBIRD? A once-loyal Marine who helped American interests in Haiti, Nicaragua and other shitbird countries, he was rewarded in 1933 with the chance to establish a military dictatorship at the behest of corporate interests. Butler instead turned traitor to the Corps by putting the New Deal Demoncrat system of government before his oaths as a Marine, and ratted them out to the feds. It was a black mark on the record of the Marines.
Butler died in 1936 and now resides in Hell, where Master Major Gunnery Sgt. God (USMC ret). skullfucks him every five minutes.
The Marines' Hymn is a popular song about how the Marines have done batshit crazy things all around the world, as shown in the first line, "From the balls of Montezuma, to the whores of Tripoli, and the third line of the second stanza, "In the snow of far off northern lands and in sunny tropic scenes." It is sung exclusively by Marines as only they can get drunk with asskicking enough to sing anyway. It is a popular misconception that the tune was stolen from some wimpy Frenchman's opera another misconception is the end of the song; the real version of the song says "If the Army or the Navy were to look on heavens scene, they will see their wives are sleeping with United States Marines!".