Uncyclopedia:Let's talk about something important

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Do you "geniuses" realize that Encyclopedia Dramatica - yes, Encyclopedia Dramatica - won the People's Choice award for best wiki, followed by wikiHow in second place? What the hell have you guys been doing!?

Let me have your attention for a moment! So you're talking about what? You're talking about......bitching about that article you wrote, some son of a bitch that put it on VFD, somebody that doesn't like what you're writing, some broad you're trying to screw and so forth. Let's talk about something important. Is everyone here?

User:Sannse notes "All but one."

Well, I'm going anyway. Let's talk about something important! Put that Mountain Dew down!! Energy drinks are for Hall-of-Shamers only.

User:Levene scoffs.

Do you think I'm fucking with you? I am not fucking with you. I'm here from Wikia. I'm here from Chronarion and Stillwaters. And I'm here on a mission of mercy. Your username's Levene?

User:Levene nods.

You call yourself an Uncyclopedian, you son of a bitch?

User:Levene protests "I don't have to listen to this shit."

You certainly don't pal. 'Cause the good news is -- you're banned. The bad news is you've got, all of you got, just one week to regain your user rights, starting tonight. Starting with tonight's sit. Oh, have I got your attention now? Good. 'Cause we're adding a little something to this month's writing contest. As you all know, first prize is the Writer of the Month award. Anyone want to see second prize? Second prize's a nice shiny feature template to go on your userpage. Third prize is you're banned. You get the picture? You're laughing now? You got ideas. Wikia paid good money. Get the requested article names to write them! You can't write the names you're given, you can't write shit, you ARE shit, hit the bricks pal and beat it 'cause you are going out!!!

User:Levene again protests "The article names are weak."

"The article names are weak." Fucking names are weak? You're weak. I've been editing wikis for fifteen years.

User:M0$$ asks, "What's your username?"

You think I let them upload a picture of me as an Elf for the fucking Yuletide glee? And no - this is not a photoshop.

FUCK YOU, that's my username!! You know why, Mister? Cause you used a Windows 98 compatible notebook with 128MB RAM to log onto here tonight, I used a 3.06 GHz Apple iMac. That's my name!! (to User:Levene) And your name is "you're wanting." And you can't edit in a man's game. You can't write them. And you go home and tell your gf your troubles.

Because only one thing counts in this life! Get them to vote and sign on the line which is below Symbol for vote.svg For, but above Symbol against vote.svg Against! You hear me, you fucking faggots?

A-B-E. A-always, B-be, E-editing. Always be editing! Always be editing!! H-T-B-F-A-N-J-S. How to be funny and not just stupid. How to be funny -- am I entertaining in a humourous way. Am I rendering lulz from said material. And not just stupid -- Am I aiming to genuinely make people laugh rather than fill my articles with inane trollfare and memes. I know you are because it's fuck or walk. You write or you hit the bricks! HTBFANJS. Get out there!! You got the names comin' in; you think they came in to get out of the rain? Guy doesn't click on the link unless he wants to read. Sitting out there waiting to give you their vote! Are you gonna take it? Are you man enough to take it? (to User:M0$$) What's the problem pal? You. M0$$.

User:M0$$ asks "You're such a hero, you're so l33t. Why you coming down here and wasting your time on a bunch of n00bs?"

You see this GIF animation? You see this GIF animation?


User:M0$$ replies "Yeah".

That GIF has more value than your entire edit history. I made 15,000 edits last year. How many did you make? You see, pal, that's who I am. And you're nothing. Nice guy? I don't give a shit. Good father? Fuck you -- go home and play with your kids!! You wanna stay here? Write!!

Having done nothing, your pee review score so far is a 0 out of 10. You proud now?

You think this is abuse? You think this is abuse, you cocksucker? You can't take this -- how can you take the abuse you get on pee review?! You don't like it -- leave. I can go out there tonight with the materials you got, make myself fifteen featured articles! Tonight! In two hours! Can you? Can you? Go and do likewise! H-T-B-F-A-N-J-S!! Get mad! You sons of bitches! Get mad!! You know what it takes to write great articles?

It takes brass balls to write great articles.

Go and do likewise, gents. The articles are out there, you pick them up, they're yours. You don't--I have no sympathy for you. You wanna go out on those tonight and write. Write, it's yours. If not, you're just gonna be reverting vandalism. Bunch of losers sitting around on the internet looking at a wiki-parody site.

"Oh yeah, I used to be an editor, it's a tough racket." Fuck that. These are the new leads. These are the Wikia leads. And to you, they're gold. And you shouldn't get them. Because to give them to you is just throwing them away. They're for writers.

I'd wish you good luck but you wouldn't know what to do with it if you got it. And to answer your question, pal: why am I here? I came here because Chronarion and Stilwaters asked me to, they asked me for a favor. I said, the real favor, follow my advice and ban your fucking ass because a loser is a loser.

I'd leave you these as a parting gift, but you'd probably choke on them and die.
Adieu, gentleman... Stop staring, Spacey!
ArticleWhisperAwardGold.png The Article Whisperer-Winning Article
This article was chosen as the Best Uncyclopedia-related Article in the 2010 The Article Whisperer writing competition.
Fries.png Quasi-Featured Article (31 October 2010)
This article was nominated to become a featured article; however, due to several votes being devoured by an Al Bhed, it didn't make the cut (13.5/3.5). Don't let this happen again! For just pennies a day, you can prevent another travesty of this nature, or vote for other articles at Uncyclopedia:VFH.