UnSignpost:20120823
The Newspaper That Contains Neither News Nor Paper.
August 23rd, 2012 • Issue 173 • One periodical to rule them all...
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Don't mention the merger
 The UnSignpost office is always busy, the phones ringing, the journalists writing, the constant clamouring of eager interview candidates and our editor daydreaming all of the above into existence. If anyone else came through the office every week there wouldn't be room for the crippling loneliness that forms such a massive part of our lives. The same, alas, cannot be said for UnBooks Author of the Month and UnScripts Playwright of the Month whose complete lack of any activity has resulted in them both being rolled into writer of the month. Why is this news? Because it means less voting and if there's less voting there must be less democracy, that's just common sense. Responsible for this dastardly plot is none other than Simsilikesims, you all know Simsilikesims, she's the person who wrote the content warning which we now see approximately six times a day. If you didn't know how content warnings worked before you definitely do now. Simsilikesims has had a number of these good ideas and it's likely that shortly we shall see her malevolent intent, possibly in the form of combining the UnTunes namespace with the mainspace because not enough people are singing their articles in the style of Dragonforce or however it is those people who don't understand magnetic fields sing their songs. What would an intolerable loss of the right of Uncyclopedians to let parts of the wiki fall into a state of abandonment and disrepair be without Thekillerfroggy to swing the hammer of despair? Hoping nobody would notice TKF also decided to smite Reviewer of the Month into the ether. RotM is an award that literally nobody was ever interested in... It's also the only award I've ever won twice, so don't mind me, I'll just be over here sobbing while I look through the archives of the first award I ever won... In other news Mattsnow has stepped down as UnNews' biggest cheese. The war to replace him is now on, the choice being between GlobalTourniquet and a machine who will plaster something onto the front page every so often, a machine and nobody at all. We here in the UnSignpost office haven't quite decided which we prefer and have ultimately decided to vote for Batman instead. Batman has a grappling hook to reach hard-to-reach places, sneaks around wearing leather and is a complete social retard while he's doing the job, in other words he's perfect for the position. If he can save Gotham from the Joker then we have absolute confidence in his ability to read articles and then put them in a template on a fairly regular basis. Do you have an opinion? Too bad, because you don't get a say; GlobalTourniquet started doing the whole thing last Saturday. Happy Thursday! The feature feature
 "VFH sucks right now." proclaims the banner that greets all visitors to the VFH page. We've all seen it, probably whilst passing through and very pointedly not visiting VFP which is now beginning to resemble the immediate aftermath of a Nuclear event. However, this reporter has come up with an alternative explanation: it isn't VFH that sucks, it's all of you, and by extension all of us, which also happens to be all of me. Uncyclopedians, famous for their flame wars and constant douchebaggery seem to have come to the conclusion that when on VFH that it's better not to vote than to disagree. What else could account for the 15 plus voter turnout for articles that we all agree are fantastically well written/crafted, while articles which may well be of high quality, but bear the title "UnNews:Politicians politicise the filing system of plumbing the South-Eastern region of the Ukraine" struggle along, accruing 7 votes for before sitting on the feature queue until they die of old age. This alongside the fact that people can't be bothered means Thekillerfroggy is beside himself at the state of things. Why TKF? Because he seem to have appointed himself supreme worrier in-chief for VFH and is executing that duty by slapping increasingly urgent messages onto the page. "DON'T MAKE ME PUT IN CAPITALS" twitched Thekillerfroggy when approached by the UnSignpost about the latest message. How do we fix this? Voting, obviously, but it's more than that. Yes, you might only have time to vote on just one article, yes you are probably more likely to enjoy the article with 20 votes than 5, but unless you vote the articles with 5 votes will never have 20. There are lots of articles to vote on, but you have ages to do it in! This article has been there for a month and has managed 10 votes. Twitter managed 17 in 5 days! Are you people pulling our balls? Don't make us use the awe inspiring powers of caps lock to get our way, VOTE NOW! |
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