UnScripts talk:Down Home Drug Commercial
| link | score /50 | user | lowest score | date | comment |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Down Home Drug Commercial | 41 | Thekillerfroggy | Concept/Images: 7 | 11/3 | Hey again, TKF!! |
| Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Down Home Drug Commercial | 42 | Boomer | Images: 6 | 11/5 | I love reading Boomer's reviews. |
| Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Down Home Drug Commercial | 43 | Finnius | Formatting: 7 | 12/5 | I love reading Finnius's reviews. |
| Uncyclopedia:Pee Review/Down Home Drug Commercial | 40 | MrN9000 | n/a: 8 | 12/10 | I love reading N's reviews. |
| avg = 41.5 --- lowest = 7 | |||||
| Humour: | 8 | Not laugh out loud, but very consistent. The buildup to the end works very well |
| Concept: | 7 | The medicine thing and the commercial thing have been done before, but this is a refreshing twist. I like how the medicine itself is never actually mentioned. |
| Prose and formatting: | 9 | The formatting is very pleasing to the eyes, but there were a few minor, almost negligible, errors with the prose. |
| Images: | 7 | The repetition works well, but a little bit of variety and captions never hurt anyone. |
| Miscellaneous: | 10 | Miscellany is present. |
| Final Score: | 41 | Another excellent piece, Cajek. Unsure if it'd be a shoe-in for VFH, but it's definitely at least Quasi material. |
| Reviewer: |  TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK  15:14, 3 November 2007 (UTC)
| |
| Humour: | 8 | You. Therapy. Now. This article is screwed the hell up. And it's almost perfect. The only soft spots are right at the beginning, where you really didn't put any surprises for some reason, and the side effects area, which is pretty much the same as the beginning except there are (extremely subtle) jokes. The whole article does flow smoothly, but the first one or two paragraphs didn't really have any big jokes in it, so when the music starts getting screwed up it's pretty abrupt. |
| Concept: | 10 | Yea, medicine articles aren't anything new and I've seen commercials before, but the narcotic (that's right, narcotic) atmosphere and the murderous daddy are new. Actually, this entire article is a script, so may I suggest moving this to UnScripts? |
| Prose and formatting: | 10 | No errors that I could find. And that's saying something. |
| Images: | 6 | The repetitive images is a good idea, but it doesn't really fit with the article. You could adapt to work with another article (heaven knows you write plenty), but for this you should probably just find some more "relaxing" pictures and put them in. The captions are great, though. |
| Miscellaneous: | 8 | It's a pretty number, isn't it? Those erotic curves... |
| Final Score: | 42 | This article actually reminds me of an essay I wrote for school, "Your Mother: A Tribute". I start as a sappy romantic and end up stabbing the dad, burning the reader and the reader's mother to death, and going on a homicidal killing spree by burning people in their houses. I was going to make it into an article here, but after getting it reviewed, doubling it's size, and rereading it, I ended up scaring the hell out of myself. So, the question I've been building up to. How do you sleep at night? I freaked out when I realized I could write a story that has me as an insane serial killer. You've turned an arthritic father into a homicidal maniac that keeps people's brains in jars and rapes their corpses. I'm keeping an eye on you from now on... |
| Reviewer: | Unsolicited conversation Extravagant beauty PEEING 01:50, 5 November 2007 (UTC) | |
- Brutal, I can do. Let the nit-picking commence: (Insert "Jaws" movie theme music here)
| Humour: | 9 | Yeah baby! THIS is MY idea of 'twisting the night away' |
| Concept: | 9 | Again, nice concept. I'm glad to see that others 'sort' of like it...perhaps i will throw a couple of mine into the mix soon. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | this part is where you have a few problems. see below. |
| Images: | 8 | the juxtaposition of soothing images and jarring words is what IS SUPPOSED to be done. see below. |
| Miscellaneous: | 10 | fuck the other reviewers. Although comments were made like "i think prose needs work"..they did not specify or give suggestion...PLEASE dont take it personal guys. I say 'fuck' in the kindest way |
| Final Score: | 43 | I think from now on i will have either YOU or LED review my 'wrecks in progress'...so far you both seem to have the sort of mentality that can judge my stuff adaquately. I have been very careful with what i intended to post, not wishing to freak the 'normals' ..but hell, even if only 1 person truly enjoys what i might throw up...i guess that will be good for me. |
| Reviewer: | 
ADDENDUM...you used the word Guitar in EACH sentence after the words "side effect" ...too many imho... | |
Jesus Fuck, man ! I cant get away from you! I go to pee review to work on some of the less recent articles, and there the fuck YOU are, with 2 more in a row! LOL. Hell, i wish i had time to get my ideas down, but i work a lot...well, i do have some time coming up again...perhaps..perhaps....anyway...onward
Why did it fail VFH? I can take a guess. People thought the set-up was uneventful and boring...they probably wanted a chuckle right in the first line or two. Also, im assuming that the 'horrorshow' slices were not 'funny horror' for them..like i said in my last review to you ...DEADPAN does not work here in UN. For some unknown reason, most people DONT want to see mickey mouse's skin ripped off, revealing the meat and sinew below...it's too 'real'...hehe. That reminds me of a joke..one that you might get...or you might groan..but i think its funny....(image of 2 women looking down at a young girl, girl is probably 7yrs old. One woman exclaims Wouldn't she just look ADORABLE on a milk carton! ) This is my idea of good humor. But im disturbed...lol. Anyway ..back to the review.
You have the narrator mixing tenses...you obviously want him to speak exclusively in 3rd person present omniscient..but sometimes you slip into 1st person, or PAST. I would try to keep it all in present tense (with or without omniscience..your choice)
I like the soothing images...the juxtaposition is wonderful, and needed. Anyone can puke up some gore images.
HORRIBLE LINES:
"My ticker has only been tickin' (tick tick)
I need something that will straighten my fingers out using chemicals in under 24 hours, so that I can play basketball with my photogenic son again." (blech. ditch 'chemicals' or rework the sentence.)
NOTES FOR NOW:
in the pic of the manitou ..kill the DAAA YAMM...too expressive and personal...keep the narrator more 'distant/objective'
...side thought...his wife should be named Maxine)
swtich some of the paragraphs around..i know its predictible, but i find it best to transition from normal to gore..(i.e digging graves and cutting himself is less 'graphic' than minister's half-eaten corpse..thus those paragraphs should be switched in placement....Rank your horror and decent into hell...
actually..the hand pic is out of place with the rest of the images. i understand you wanted a 'link'...but imho i think the pics should all relate to the narrators point of view...or the subject...and since you seem to be going with the narrator...they should ALL be that way..
in conclusion...if you want a VFH...(SARCASM ALERT) you must include in-jokes...oscar wilde, kitten huffing, grues, and other bullshit....you want people to LIKE YOU..yes? (SARCASM ALERT OVER)
seriously, its a nice piece. Grammer needs work. switching a couple paragraphs around would be nice. Unfortunately many of the VFH pieces tend to pander to what is known to 'work' or have 'general appeal'...I dont know about your intentions, but i would rather read ART than read something that was created solely to aquire 'Featured' bragging rights.
I think that is why I myself dont give a shit about awards and crap like that. I have decided to create what I want, and if its appreciated, fine...if not, fine. But i will stand by my work and say..." I created this because *I* liked it. I didn't make it FOR YOU...well that is MY VIEWPOINT....and YES, again...I think this was a nice piece.
opinions? come talk at my user/discussion page. I enjoy verbal intercourse.
by the way..if you give me a dollar, i'll like it even more....hehehe Peace.
OK, I'm going to use the "Cajek very well though out scoring system" from now on, hopeful people will not hate my reviews so much now...
| Humour: | 8 | Ol' Sally can't milk herself. She knows that was good. I can't stop thinking about what would happen if I just set my whole family on fire surprised me (that was the first part which interested me in the story really), that was a change of pace I did not expect from the old guy. And the general increase in randomness which progresses throughout the story works well.
It's no barrel of laughs. It's more clever than funny. It's better than "the average" whatever the hell we decided that was, but I did not laugh out loud. Your relying a lot on the mood you create, to generate the laughs when you change in pace to the old guy doing random acts of violence. I think that if you take some of my suggestions (below) on board which might create the mood better the "punch line" which I guess is the old boy going a bit crazy will have more of an effect. |
| Concept: | 7 | Your on dodgy ground here. Although I like it, as you know Uncyc is really meant (mostly) for encyclopaedic style writing, so a lot of people might be opposed to the whole idea. Is this going to be an un-script? I think it needs to be. Doing an advert is not the most original of ideas, but it does make a nice change though. I would really like to give you an 8, but I'm giving what I think most people will think, rather than my view. |
| Prose and formatting: | 7 | I don't like all the blue text. Obviously your trying convey the sense of the spoken word, but I'm not sure this is the way to do it. I like to use {{cquote|cajek is a big dufus}} myself. I think that looks better. Maybe try it if you have not already and see what it looks like. For me using the blue, and then the italics actually makes the whole thing rather hard to read. I guess you have thought about this a fair bit so I will stop going on about it!
You have not used any links at all in this? (oh there's one at the end)... I guess you don't want em messing with the "flow" of the thing, but I think your missing a great opportunity to put a few more random gags in here and there. Perhaps you could add some funny links in the narration parts, but leave the spoken word link free? I think you could probably give your guy a bit more character by if you made it obvious that he was from a particular area in how he speaks, Maybe a slack jawed southerner? Or maybe just change how he speaks to make him sound older... For example: "My ticker has only been tickin' 80% of the time that I'm awake" Is just too formal and should read: "Me tickers been a tickin' only 80% of me awake time"... I need something that will straighten my fingers out so that I can play extreme basketball with my photogenic son again Should read: "I've bin needing a something for the straightening up me fingers, it's the extreme basketball with the photogenic son you see". You get the idea. He just sounds a bit formal, and does not quite talk how I would expect and old boy like this too, that's the case in a lot of places. You also need to make sure that the prose you have that is not him talking sharply contrasts the times when he is talking. That's going to be tricky as your trying to make it relaxing, but it really needs to be the best most formal perfect English you can muster. I's a reckin so does me anyways... ;) Oh, regarding the grammar and spelling? Well your American, so I will forgive some minor "differences of opinion" but I'm sure they are right for your spell checker. As for the grammar, like I could do any better than this... |
| Images: | 7 | The image at the very top, I think your trying to "set the mood" with this one, it's not doing it that well. Maybe it would work better with an animated gif maybe? Perhaps with an open view over rolling hills and clouds in the county? Grass blowing in the wind? The tree does not cut it. Same for the other setting the mood pics. You can do better. I'm not sure about the animated gif idea, but these images are not quite creating the necessary atmosphere. Without the atmosphere the whole thing does not quite work.
I think you should also replace the last picture of the manatee with some random act of violance, such as the guy hacking people to death with a machete, something with lots of blood and gore. That would contrast well with the other pictures. Make sure there is a very civilised caption to go with it if you do to help the contrast.. You might think that would spoil the rest of the section, I'm not sure. |
| Miscellaneous: | 7.3 | Averaged per pee. |
| Final Score: | 36.3 | Your taking on a tricky one here in your witting style. Unless your a certain unnamed individual I don't think a lot of people would vote something like this on VFH because they would not get the concept or appreciate the departure from the norm. I think you have to make this a real work of genius to make a few of the big wigs notice how good it is, then the rest of the sheep might be persuaded to follow. I think if you change the way the guy talks, and perhaps add some more random jokes to appeal to the masses then you might be able to pull it up to VFH, but I'm not sure. Good luck. |
| Reviewer: | MrN    Fork you! 20:01, Dec 10
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OK, So I'm still a tight bastard' with my scores. But as you know they mean nothing anyway...