The fact that you don't want a poodle

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Your new poodle.

The fact that you don't want a poodle is truly irrelevant. You're getting a poodle, whether you like it or not. I hope you learn to enjoy poodles, because, just a few short minutes from now, you'll have one.

Enjoy your poodle.

Why am I getting a poodle?

Shut up.[1]

Can I have an iPod instead?

No. You can have a poodle. But, if you want, you can name it iPod, to remind you of the iPod you're not getting.

Or we could compromise, and you could name it iPood. Sort of a combination of "iPod" and "Poodle." Also, it's a complete sentence that describes what you may or may not have done today.

Besides, when you think about it, a poodle is just as good as an iPod. An iPod can play all your favorite Miles Davis songs. A poodle can do that too, if you train it to play the trumpet.

Good luck with that, though.[2]

Could you at least get me another breed of dog?

No. What I have for you is a poodle. She's a fine bitch. She has gastric dilatation volvulus, thyroid issues, epilepsy, sebaceous adenitis, and cancer. Unlike most dogs, which have double coats, she has a single layer of dense, mangy fur.

Your poodle sounds diseased.

I think you mean your poodle.


  1. I'll fuck you up.
  2. I say "good luck", because I've found it difficult in the past to train a poodle to play the trumpet.

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