UnScripts:The Badass Soldiers

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America, Russia, the United Nations, and every other country are under attack by a new Nazi group called the Super Duper Uber Nazis (or S.D.U.N.), who plan to do what Hitler failed to do, to take over the world. Made up of different races, such as German, Chinese, Vietnamese, and even Americans, they will stop at nothing until they achieve their goal. Many brave soldiers from around the world are called out to fight the S.D.U.N., and among them, a six man group of badass soldiers; Sergeant Jackson, the leader, Private Hotshot, a pro sniper, Corporal Huffman, heavy weapon specialist, Master Chief Petty Officer Wayne, a British rifleman and vehicle specialist, Private Alexander, a Russian pro shotgun shooter, and Flight Lieutenant Jenkins, a jet fighter pilot. Their mission: to fight the evil S.D.U.N, save the world, and get all the bitches, without dying.

Scene One: Helicopter[edit]

Smells like baby powder in here

Six soldiers sit in seats in a transport helicopter flying towards the battlefield

Sergeant Jackson: Alright men, listen up! We're about to reach our destination. We are going to blast these Nazis out of the sky, destroy their leadership, and do their moms. Am I right?

The Five soldiers: Sir, yes sir!

Sgt. Jackson: Damn right I am. Now remember, take only leaders and naval intelligence as prisoners. Everyone else, shoot 'em dead.

Private Hotshot: What if they're a bitch, sergeant?

Sgt. Jackson: Well, take them prisoner too.

Corporal Huffman: Yeah, we can use some female P.O.W.s in our custody.

Master Chief Petty Officer Wayne: Be a show in the prison cells.

Sergeant Jackson: Alright enough. We'll talk about chicks later. Right now, lets go over our mission. We go in, take out those machine guns, signal for reinforcements, kill everybody. Simple enough.

Helicopter Pilot 1: Were approaching the LZ, ETA 30 seconds, better hold on to your underwear, it’s going to get a little choppy.

Helicopter Pilot 2: Hey do me a favor; make sure you tell those S.D.U.N.s to go kiss my ass, will you.

Sgt Jackson: With pleasure.

Helicopter shakes up

Private Alexander: Hey let’s have a bet. Whoever kills the most people gets free whiskey after the battle.

Flight Lieutenant Jenkins: Ok, you’re on. (stomach growls) Jeez, I'm hungry.

Pvt. Alexander: Luckily, I got some Doritos we can share.

Helicopter Pilot 1: LZ is hot. Landing now.

Machine guns fire at helicopter

Sgt Jackson: We got MG3s

Helicopter Pilot 2: We'll handle that.

Fires rockets, killing machine gunners

Helicopter Pilot 2: And the guys back at base say helicopters can't fight.

Sgt Jackson: Alright, roll out, give 'em hell. Go, go, go!

Scene Two: Battlefield[edit]

Time to kick some ass

The helicopter lands, open the back doors, and the soldiers run out, shooting at enemies as the helicopter ascends and leaves. Gunshots are fired everywhere, motors go off like firework, blood recolor’s the entire land like somebody spilt Kool-aid everywhere

Sgt Jackson: Spread out, take these bastards back from whence they came.

Two soldiers run in a cowardly

Panic Soldier 1: There’s too many of them!

Panic Soldier 2: Retreat, retreat!

Jackson shoots them both dead

Sgt Jackson: There will be no cowards while I'm in charge! Ya'll hear me?

Hotshot snipes a general, Spanish Nazis pop up

Nazis speaking in Spanish: We surrender, we surrender!

Pvt. Hotshot: Sorry, we don' speak pig Latin!

Hotshot scores two headshots

Huffman walks to a wounded soldier

Cpl. Huffman: Are you ok, soldier?

Wounded Soldier: DO. I. LOOK. OK? I'm fucking injured!

Cpl. Huffman: No fucking shit, dumbass. Hey, can we get a medic over here?

A medic runs from cover

Cpl. Huffman: Great..... wait, dude keep your head down!

Medic gets shot

Cpl. Huffman: Do we have a medic for the medic?

Jenkins and Alexander behind a wall, with machine guns firing at them

Pvt. Alexander: Want more Doritos?

FL. Lt. Jenkins: Yes please. Mmm mmm, yum yum. That’s some good flavored Doritos

Pvt. Alexander: They're mega-cheese flavored. Pretty good on a day like this.

Unnamed Private: What the fuck are you guys doing? We're in a war here and your too busy eating Doritos!

Pvt> Alexander: We're on break. What do you want us to do?

Unnamed Private: How about taking care of those machine gunners and everything else.

Pvt. Alexander: Oh, that's easy.

Alexander takes out shotgun, blind-shoots one machine gunner, then blind shoots the other, and then blind shoots four more soldiers and a general in a way that it beyond logic

Unnamed Private: (surprised) Holy shit!

FL. Lt. Jenkins: (surprised) How the hell did you do that?

Pvt. Alexander: Simple: I'm Russian.

FL. Lt. Jenkins: Good enough for me. More Doritos?

Scene Three: End of Battle[edit]

M.C.P.O. Wayne: Sir, all MG3's have been neutralized.

Sgt Jackson: Good, good. Who's in charge here?

Wayne looks around

M.C.P.O. Wayne: Well, you are sir. The bloody wankers killed the captain.

Sgt Jackson: Alright then. Everyone form up. I need everybody to guard the area to hold back enemy reinforcements until our own reinforcements come and kick their asses. And watch out for that sniper.

Stupid Soldier: Man, what sniper?

Enemy sniper snipes Stupid Soldier

Enemy Sniper, keep your head down or you'll lose it

Sgt Jackson: That sniper.

Stupid Soldier: (weakly) Oh.

Medic heals injured medic, then the injured medic heals the wounded soldier

Cpl Huffman: Can you shoot, soldier?

Wounded Soldier: Yes sir!

Cpl Huffman: Then get back in the fight and kick their ass, son!

Scene switches to two French Nazis, who are talking to each other

French Nazi 1: Where are le reinforcements?

French Nazi 2: Their having delay. They will be here in twenty minutes.

French Nazi 1: Twenty minutes? Stupid, stupid, stupid. We'll be le dead in twenty minutes.

French Nazi 2: We still have that sniper.

Enemy sniper snipes 3 people in a row: a private, a corporal, and the Kool-Aid Man, completely unaware Pvt. Hotshot has a clear shot at him

Pvt. Hotshot: Say goodnight.

Hotshot puts the enemy sniper to sleep

French Nazi 1: (in rage) Stupid Americans, they killed le sniper.

French Nazi 2: All is not lost though. We can........ sing a song!

French Nazi 1: Oh shut up you fool! Everbody! Retreat! Retreat!

Scene switches back to Sgt. Jackson

Sgt. Jackson: Here come our reinforcements. Oorah! This battle is ours boys!

Reinforcements arrive, and a bloody battle ensues. Allied soldiers outnumber Nazi soldiers and kill most of them. Pvt. Hotshot snipes all remaining soldiers and Pvt. Alexander captures important Nazi officers. Nazi reinforcements finally come, but realizing they are too late they retreat, vowing revenge.

Scene Four: Boring Conversation[edit]

Sgt. Jackson is laying in a hammock, relaxing and looking at clouds that are shaped like grues and Pikachu’s while whistling the Andy Griffin Show theme song and drinking sweet tea. This is the life. All of a sudden, Pvt. Hotshot comes up beside him.

Pvt. Hotshot: (salutes) Sir! Important news... What the fuck, I thought you didn't had any sweet tea you... aw fuck it. Anyways, important news, sir!

Sgt. Jackson: If the Nazis came back with reinforcements or it’s my mother-in-law just follow the "give em' hell" protocol and blow em' to dust.

Pvt. Hotshot: (still saluting) No sir, it's even bigger than that, General Blackstone has arrive!

Sgt Jackson flips over in his hammock in surprise and gets up

Sgt. Jackson: Holy shit! That IS important news! Boys, form up! General Blackstone is here! Give him your undivided attention or I will blow your brains out!

All soldiers form up in a line

Sgt. Jackson: (to Pvt. Hotshot, who is still saluting) You can stop saluting now, soldier!

Pvt. Hotshot: Sorry sir!

Stops saluting

Show the General some respect, or I will kill you

General Blackstone arrives on the scene

Sgt. Jackson: All arms salute for General Blackstone!

All soldiers salute. Pvt. Hotshot makes a hand gesture that looks like a gun and pretends to blow his brains out after being told to salute again

General Blackstone: At ease, soldiers (everyone stops saluting, including Pvt. Hotshot). Well done today, we have achieved another great victory. You all fought hard and even in the heat of battle, you guys stood like a wall.

Pvt. Alexander: It's what we do; kill and keep killing until they're dead and we aren't, and we win.

General Blackstone: Good way to say it. Looking at the status sheet, you guys accomplish many things today. This battle resulted in the death of 600,000 Nazis, death of a pro sniper, destruction of man MG3's, and killing and capturing of many important enemy personal.

Sgt. Jackson: That's right, sir. You can say that we really have achieved a major victory.

General Blackstone: Although I was disappointed with the casualties we received caused by your squad, Sgt. Jackson

Sgt. Jackson: Excuse Me?

General Blackstone: Not directly, but most of your actions caused some problems.

Sgt. Jackson: Enlighten me, sir.

General Blackstone: Well you guys were 20 minutes late on arrival, forcing your chopper to go danger close on landing. Any reason why?

Cpl. Huffman: I'll explain this, sir; Master Chief Petty Officer Wayne had to take a major shit and was in there for like 15 minutes cause he ate too much fiber.

General Blackstone: I see. Continuing, your squad also got criticism for being racist, busy eating Doritos, shooting at soldiers fleeing the battle which I have no problem with, bad actions causing a medic to get injured, and having one of your soldiers do absolutely nothing the whole time.

M.C.P.O. Wayne: I was improvising.

Pvt. Alexander: My ass.

General Blackstone: Mmm hmm, and why wasn't your flight lieutenant in a jet during the whole battle?

FL. Lt. Jenkins: My ride got shot down, and I mistakenly blew my other one up while I was practicing shooting rockets launchers and being drunk at the same time, which I learned that’s a bad combination.

General Blackstone: Well, I have to say that you guys have to be the best soldiers in the world as well as the worst. Nerveless, if it wasn't for your squad, we would have handed down our asses to those damn S.D.U.N. S.O.B.s.

Sgt. Jackson: It’s our job, sir.

General Blackstone: Anyways, I have chosen your group to be one of many other groups to be on a mission behind enemy lines. Alpha Squad has infiltrated their base, but need reinforcements because enemy troops actually managed pull a nasty surprise attack on them. Alpha team manage to escaped the attack but now got themselves hold up in a small bunker, with enemy forces surrounding them. It isn't going to be easy, but looks like you and your team are fit enough to get this mission done and knock those Nazi bastards back to whence they came. You guys up to the task?

Sgt. Jackson:( excited) Hell fucking yeah! We're always up for any task as long as we can kick some ass, sir.

General Blackstone: Ok, but please keep friendly casualties at a minimum, or we won’t have shit to fight with. Everybody else, head back to base for debriefing. Dismiss!

Scene Five: Preparation[edit]

The six soldiers are at base, getting ready for their next mission.

Cpl. Huffman: Sir, what would be better; A Javelin rocket launcher or a Stinger missile launcher.

Sgt. Jackson Take both, we might need them.

Cpl. Huffman: (smiling) Yes sir!

Pvt. Alexander walks over with whiskey

FL. Lt. Jenkins: Enjoying your whiskey?

Pvt. Alexander: Yep, its delicious.

Two handsome buff looking jerks walk over to the soldiers

Jerk 1: You should never give a nigger a rocket launcher, because they are too stupid to know how to use it.

Cpl. Huffman: (holding up Javelin at Jerk 1) Boy, say that again and I'll make you eat those words.

Sgt. Jackson: Stand down, Corporal.

Huffman lowers his weapon, grumbling

Sgt. Jackson: You know I can have your ass court marshaled for saying shit like that.

Jerk 2: Yeah right. Try it, and we can beat your ass with our huge muscles.

Pvt. Hotshot: They're implants.

Jerk 1: Watch it boy, we're too bad ass for you to pick on, punk.

Pvt. Alexander: No, we are badass. You two are just jackass.

Jerk 2: (angrily) Say that one more time and I'll shove my shotgun up your ass!

Pvt. Alexander: No thanks, I'm straight.

Jerk 2: No, I didn't mean it like that!

Pvt. Alexander: Hey everybody, he said he's going to shove his shotgun up my ass

Everybody laughs hysterically

Jerk 2: Arrggh, I don't have time for this. I'll see you in hell!

Both Jerks leaves

Pvt. Alexander: No thanks, but be sure to say hello to Hitler for me when you down there.

Pvt. Hotshot: They ain’t coming with us, are they sir?

Sgt Jackson: Afraid so.

Pvt. Hotshot: Permission to blow my brains out, sir.

Sgt. Jackson: Permission denied. Remember, despite who we are paired up with, we got a job to do. And that job is to kick that lazy good for nothing Nazi S.O.B.'s asses!

All five soldiers: Hoorah!

Sgt. Jackson: That’s what I'm talking about. Now let’s move out. We got asses to kick.

All five soldiers: Sir, yes sir!

Scene Six: Hell From Below[edit]

Still smells like baby powder in here

All six soldiers are in the helicopter, the same one as they rode in before. Corporal Huffman is too busy sleeping, while Sgt Jackson is talking to the pilots

Sgt. Jackson: Ok, we about to be behind enemy lines, so keep a sharp eye for anything unless you feel like buying the farm

Helicopter Pilot 2: Don't worry, we have eyes like eagles. Nothing gets by us.

Bird flies in helicopter propellers, chopping it up to a pulp

Helicopter Pilot 2: Except that.

M.C.P.O. Wayne: Knowing my highly knowledge of vehicles, this helicopter can take up to two missile hits; three if one hit a invulnerable spot.

Pvt. Hotshot: Shit, I came here to knock some heads, not listen to some facts that I don't care about.

All of a sudden, a voice is heard on the radio

Stupid Soldier: Hello? Is this thing on?

Sgt. Jackson: What the hell?

Stupid Soldier: Oh, there you are. Yeah I like a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and olives....

Sgt. Jackson: This isn't Pizza Hut stupid.

Stupid Soldier: Ohhhhhhhhh. Yeah I like a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and olives....

Sgt. Jackson: Nor is this Domino's

Stupid Soldier: Ohhhhhhhhh. Yeah I like a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and olives....

Sgt. Jackson: (getting ticked off) Or Little Caesar's.

FL. Lt. Jenkins: That's the good stuff though.

Stupid Soldier: Ohhhhhhhhh.

Sgt. Jackson: How the hell did you get stuck with us anyways, and how you MANAGE to survive that sniper shot.

Stupid Soldier: Well, you see, General Blackstone saw me survive the sniper wound, and gave me this hear mission. Plus, I'm like Chuck Norris; I'm indestructible.

Pvt. Alexander: My ass. He probably just got a band-aid on it, like a little baby.

Stupid Soldier: Man, I ain't no baby. I'm an adult.

Pv.t Alexander: Don't be embarrassed that you’re a baby. As a matter of fact, I think it's time for your bottle. Do I need to feed you your bottle?

Stupid Soldier: Man, fuck you!

Pvt. Alexander, FL. Lt. Jenkins, and Pvt. Hotshot laughs

FL. Lt. Jenkins: Man you are such an ass.

Pvt. Alexander: I know, I try my best. I'm pretty good at it too.

FL. Lt. Jenkins: Sweet!

Five minutes later

Stupid Soldier: Yeah I like a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and olives....


All of a sudden, a nearby missile hits another helicopter

Pvt. Hotshot: What the hell was that

FL. Lt. Jenkins: We got enemy S.A.M.s firing at us.

Stupid Soldier: Man, why would a guy named Sam destroy a helicopter. That's stupid.

FL. Lt. Jenkins: It's not a person, stupid! It stands for Surface to Air Missiles.

Stupid Soldier: Ohhhhhhhhh.

Sgt. Jackson: (to the Pilots) we need to get away from those S.A.M.s.

Helicopter Pilot 2: Roger that. We're getting the hell out of here.

Helicopters attempt to bypass the incoming missiles, but more helicopters get destroyed. All of a sudden, one hits the helicopter that the heroes are in

Helicopter Pilot 1: We've been hit! One More and we're going down!

M.C.P.O. Wayne: Well it would be two if it hits an invulnerable.....

Sgt. Jackson: Man, shut up! (to the pilots) Fire bombs on them.

Helicopter Pilot 2: Roger that.

Helicopter fires bombs on the S.A.M.s, destroying them all

Helicopter Pilot 2: All bogies are destroyed. Kicked their asses.

Pvt. Hotshot: Good things it's over.

Sgt. Jackson: For now.

Ten seconds later

Stupid Soldier: Yeah I like a pepperoni pizza with extra cheese and olives....

Sgt. Jackson: I'm seriously going to kill this guy.

Corporal Huffman wakes up

Cpl. Huffman: (tiredly) Did I miss something?

Pvt. Hotshot: It's a long story

Cpl. Huffman: Never mind. I don't want to know.

Scene Seven: Second Battle[edit]

The helicopters land and all the soldiers come out.

Sgt. Jackson: Alright who's left?

Pvt. Alexander: Well, we know the stupid soldier is left, and some people, along with those two jerks, which is such a shame.

Jerk 1: We heard that, faggot.

Sgt. Jackson: Alright everyone, form up! We need to get to the area were Alpha team is, so we are going to take this path and.....

Jerk 2: We aren't going to follow you losers; we are going our own way.

Jerk 1: Catch you losers later.

Both leave

Sgt. Jackson: They're dead.

Pvt. Alexander: When will people learn that arrogance will only lead you to disaster.

Cpl. Huffman: Pfft. Probally when people start to get there heads out of their asses.

Sgt. Jackson: Enough with the small talk men. Intelligence tells us that a enemy airbase is 10 miles north of our position, barely guarded. Jenkins, head there and steal any jet fighter they have.

FL. Lt. Jenkins Yes, sir!

Jenkins leaves

Cpl. Huffman: Sir, I've manage to pick up Alpha team's distressed beacon. Five miles west of us.

Sgt. Jackson: Alright, ladies, follow me. We'll pull s suprised attack behind them then assist Alpha...

gunfire erupts and nearly hits the team, who hides behind a stone wall

M.C.P.O. Wayne: Fucking wankers knew we we're coming!

Sgt, Jackson: Scratch that plan. Open fire!

Team returns fire. Huffman fires Javalin, killing many Nazis in the process.

Scene Eight: Airstrike[edit]

Cue high-res explosion here.

Scene Nine: End Of Battle[edit]

Scene Ten: The Bar[edit]

Everybody is drunk

Everybody: (singing) For we are the champions, of the world. And we'll kick some Nazi Ass, hell yeah!

Cpl. Huffman is with a French girl and a Vietnamese girl

Cpl. Huffman: And that how I got out of the forest in Brazil.

Vietnamese Girl: Oh, you must be very brave to have done such a thing.

French Girl: Wee wee, American's are so courageous and daring.