UnScripts:Love So Blind

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The UnScripts Project

Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.

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Love So Blind was a British sitcom-drama that aired on the BBC in 2004. It was written, produced and directed by a mysterious man known only as ‘Shaunie’, who has since reportedly gone into hiding. Despite boasting a prestigious cast of actors, the show was cancelled after only the pilot episode aired, due to both abysmally poor ratings and numerous vicious letters sent in by fans of Hugh Laurie, who felt the show had forced him to ‘whore himself’. The general agreement is that the show’s poor reception was due to the eccentricity of the plot, the extremely graphic violence for an early evening show, the camera’s habit of focusing on morbid scenes for extended periods of time, the inanely unfunny dialog, and the excessive overuse of Grues.

Characters

Vincent Gullerro-Patrick Stewart: An ex-accountant forced into retirement and struggling writer, Vincent is addicted to Prozac, and his depression is rendering him socially inept and unaware of the world around him.

Dana Klusky-Hugh Laurie: A cross-dresser with a conveniently unisex name who lives with Vincent for no apparent reason. Dana nurses a helpless infatuation with Vincent, but due to his self-centeredness he is completely unable to express it properly, and resorts to animalistic sexual ‘war cries’, most of which fall flat on the manically depressed Vincent. This character was highly controversial, since many of actor Hugh Laurie’s fans felt the role was degenerative to Laurie as an actor, and that the show had forced him to ‘whore himself’. Nonetheless, Laurie himself described the role as ‘very interesting-it aroused my curiosity’.

Lawrence Porter-Brown-Anthony Hopkins: Vincent’s levelheaded book agent and only friend. Despite Lawrence and Vincent both being completely straight, Dana is convinced that they are in fact secret lovers, and in bouts of jealousy has made numerous attempts on Lawrence’s life.

Peter Hardwood-Hugh Grant: A mild-mannered male nurse from St. Clarence’s Private Clinic, Peter is currently locked in a traumatic struggle with his psychotic alternate personality, David. Although he is fully aware of the danger David puts both him and the hospital’s patients in, he has told no one of David for fear of it endangering his career and destroying his dreams of becoming a gynaecologist.

Michael Addison-Stephen Fry: An inept crane operator and drinking buddy of Peter Hardwood. ‘Shaunie’ stated that later episodes were intended to have portrayed Michael as regularly beating his wife, and were to have expressed, in the words of ‘Shaunie’: ‘The many benefits and positive aspects of regular wife-beating’.

Scene 1

Vincent Gullerro’s apartment. Vincent Gullerro and Lawrence Porter-Brown are sitting at a desk. Vincent is hanging his head in dismay.

Lawrence: There now, old chap, cheer up. I’m sure you’ll come up with something.

Vincent: You’ve been saying that for the last five years, Lawrence. Oh, it’s hopeless. Hopeless. Why did I ever retire?

Lawrence: You didn’t, did you? They forced you to, didn’t they? Didn’t they…drag you out? Weren’t you clinging to your boss’s leg and screaming?

Vincent: Oh, what was I thinking, becoming an author on a whim! Five years on and all I’ve got published is a smut story for Playboy! Oh, God, why have you cursed me? <Vincent pops several Prozac>.

Enter Dana through the front door, wearing a long blue dress and carrying several shopping bags, which s/he puts on the kitchen table.

Dana: <Loudly> Oh Vincent, you make me wetter than a raging thunderstorm!

Lawrence: Shut up, Dana. Can’t you see Vincent’s stressed? Get lost.

Dana wrinkles his nose at him in disgust, withdraws a bottle of olive oil and a dildo from a shopping bag and throws them at him. They miss. S/he hitches up his/her and storms out.

Scene 2

An empty corridor in St. Clarence’s Private Clinic. Peter Hardwood is having a fit against the wall and shifting personalities between Peter and David. We see that when he is Peter he has brown eyes and when he is David he has blue eyes.

Peter: No! Stop! I won’t do it! <becomes David> Yessss, you will! You known you want to! Do it! Do it! <becomes Peter> No! No! She’s an old woman! I won’t! <becomes David> Yesss! Do it, you pathetic weak puppy! <becomes Peter> I’m not weak! Stop! I won’t! I won’t!

He stops thrashing around, leans against the wall for a minute, and regains control. He enters a nearby exam room, where an old woman in a hospital gown is sitting on the bed.

Peter: Sorry about all that, Mrs Marshall. Just a spot of bother with…uh…some hospital machinery.

Mrs Marshall: Um…yes, yes, that’s fine, dear…um…listen, are you sure what you did just now…you know, when you jumped on me and tried to gouge out my eye with that scalpel…are you sure that’s part of hospital procedure?

Peter: Uh…yes, yes, absolutely, ma’am. It’s all normal procedure…so…no need to mention it to anyone…uh, at all.

Mrs Marshall: Uh…of course, dear.

<Awkward silence>

Peter: So, anyway Mrs Marshall, can I get you anything while we’re waiting for Dr Moore? How about <becomes David> HOW ABOUT A GOOD NON-CONSENSUAL FUCK?! MWAHAHA! <becomes Peter> Uh…I, uh…I mean…uh, how about…uh…never mind. <Gives an awkward grin>

Mrs Marshall: <Nervously> Um…right…dear.

<Another pause>

Peter: Uh…well, anyway, I should <suddenly becomes David again> I SHOULD GET THIS DONE BEFORE HE CAN LEAVE! HA HA HA!

David grabs a scalpel, cuts Mrs Marshall’s throat before she can scream, and rapes her as she dies. Blood spurts from her neck and lands in a nearby urine sample, which the camera focuses on for three minutes.

Scene 3

Overhead shot of a loading dock at a harbour. There are numerous dock workers milling around and several cranes lifting heavy metal crates onto a large cargo ship. Cut to the seat of a crane being operated by Michael Addison, who is operating his crane rather wildly.

Scottish-accented voice on loudspeaker: Addison, will ye slow down? Yer going te kill someone!

Michael: Ah, will you relax, McCann? We’ll all get bonuses if this gets done twice as fast!

Michael turns his crate toward the ship. The crate drops too early and falls into the sea.

McCann: Addison! Ye inept bastard!

Michael: Okay, okay, sorry! Won’t happen again.

Michael picks up another crate and raises it. He swings it round and it crashes into another crane’s crate. Both crates burst open and several dozen Grues fall out onto a crowd of dock workers below, who are promptly eaten. The Grues then die from the sunlight.

Michael: Whups.

McCann: Addison!

Michael: Sorrrryyy.

McCann: Yer fired, Addison!

Michael: Bound to happen one day. Ah well, at least the day can’t get worse.

Michael clambers out of the crane, forgetting it is several hundred feet in the air. He plummets several feet and lands on a dangling crate.

Michael: Ow.

The guy operating the crane holding the crate lowers Michael to the ground and clambers out himself.

Michael: Whew. Thanks, Clive.

Clive: No prob. <Glances at decomposing remains of the eaten workers.> Shame, that.

Michael: Indeed…what kind of half-wit transports Grues, anyway? Where’s that ship headed?

Clive: Uncyclopedia. They need the Grues to shoot some soap opera…I think it’s called The Young and the Uncyclopedians.

Michael: Hmph. Americans. Let’s get a drink.

Scene 4

Vincent’s apartment. Lawrence and Vincent are still there. Vincent is tripping from the Prozac, and is staring at the ceiling with glazed eyes, oblivious to everything. Enter Dana, now wearing a pink blouse.

Dana: Oh Vincent, I want to feel you from the inside!

Lawrence: Good lord, Dana, can’t you leave the poor man alone?

Dana: What are you doing to him, you horrid man? You’ve been sodomising him, don’t deny it!

Lawrence: Oh, will you drop that, Dana? Vincent and I are not…

Dana: He’d like it better the way I do it. I’m gentle.

Lawrence: Urgh! I don’t want to know what goes through that twisted mind of yours, Dana. Vincent and I do not…

Dana: <Passionately> You bastard! You…rapist!

Dana hurls a kitchen knife at Lawrence. It misses, flies through the window and kills a pigeon perched on the sill.

Lawrence: Dana! Calm yourself!

Dana: <throwing another knife> Oh Vincent, your hulking manliness gives my nipples the potential to cut glass!

The knife misses, flies through another window and just misses an old woman on a nearby balcony. She backs away in fear and tumbles off the balcony.

Lawrence: That’s it Dana, I’m calling the police!

Dana: Bah! I’ll just strip for them in the locker room again! Oh, you bastard! You rapist!

Dana throws another knife, which misses, goes out the window, plummets to the ground and pierces the skull of a baby in a pram. The camera focuses on its bloodied corpse for ninety seconds.

Dana: Oh Vincent, I want to sink my teeth into your buffet!

Lawrence: Dana, you are insane!

Dana grabs the cat, which was sitting on the kitchen table, forces it into the food processor, turns it on and grinds the cat up. S/he picks up the container, walks over to Lawrence, and dumps the mashed-up cat all over him. S/he then passionately kisses the still-stoned Vincent, walks over to the shopping bags, which are still on the table, pulls out some ingredients and a pot, and begins boiling spaghetti.

Scene 5

Opening scene of a busy corridor in St. Clarence’s Private Clinic. Peter Hardwood is standing next to an elderly doctor. His nametag reads Dr Harvard. Peter is only seen from the back.

Dr Harvard: *sigh*. I tell you, Peter, our reputation’s plummeted like a weight.

Peter: Indeed, Dr. Harvard.

Dr Harvard: First old Mr Carrington, then Mrs Ross, then the Harris children, then all those newborns-and now poor old Mrs Marshall. Tragic, really.

Peter: Right you are, Dr Harvard.

Dr Harvard: I tell you, Peter, if we can’t find who’s doing this, we’ll have to shut down.

Peter: As you say, Dr Harvard.

Dr Harvard: What sort of sick person would kill in such cold blood, anyway?

Peter: Mmm-hmm.

Dr Harvard: Anyway, Peter, would you be so kind as to fetch the old toy chest from the storeroom and take it to the play room for all those newborns? Dear little things love it.

Peter: Right away, Dr Harvard.

Peter turns round and starts heading down the corridor. We see that he has blue eyes and is really David. He grins evilly, and some largely ineffectual music is randomly played, killing the mood of the scene rather than setting it.

Scene 6

Vincent’s apartment. Vincent has awoken from his Prozac coma, and Dana is making spaghetti with pesto sauce. Dana sings while s/he cooks. For no good reason, several grues are seen through the front door eating shredded corpses in the hallway.

Dana: <Loudly, to the tune of Amazing Grace.> Oh Vi-i-i-incent, I-I-I-I-I want to-o-o-o-o shag yo-o-o-o-u, I wa-a-a-a-a-ant to f-e-e-e-e-e-el you u-u-u-u-p…

Vincent: <Not noticing Dana’s singing> Oh Lawrence, why don’t I just end it all right now? It’d be better for the world.

Lawrence: Relax, Vincent. You’ll get your big break in…

Dana: <Still singing, to the same tune> You ma-a-a-a-a-ake me we-e-e-e-e-et as we-e-e-e-e-et can be-e-e-e-e-e-e, and…

Lawrence: Dana, will you shut up? The poor man’s had an awful day.

Vincent: <Still not noticing> I’m worthless. Worthless. There’s no hope. All I want is to get something published, but they all know I’m too worthless. Why…

Dana glares at Lawrence and continues singing, this time more loudly and to the tune of Mozart’s Dies Irae.

Dana: O-o-o-o-o-oh Vincent, I-I-I-I-I-I wi-i-i-i-i-i-ill shag you. I will shag you, whether Lawrence li-i-i-i-i-ikes it or not…

Lawrence: Dana, shut up!

Dana sticks out her bottom lip, picks up the pot of spaghetti she is boiling, walks over to Lawrence, and dumps the spaghetti and boiling water on him.

Lawrence: Aaaaargh!

Vincent: <Still not noticing.> I’m done with living, Lawrence. Done.

Lawrence: Aaaargh! It burns!

Dana: <Manically> Mwahahahaha! HA HA HA HA!

Vincent: I tell you, Lawrence, I just don’t see why I shouldn’t…

Lawrence runs out the front door screaming with pain. Dana follows him, laughing manically.

Vincent: That’s it, then. Everyone’s run out on me. I’m done.

Vincent pulls out a razor blade and starts cutting himself.

Scene 7

The newborn’s playroom in St. Clarence’s Private Clinic. Several newborns and their mothers are playing with soft toys in a colourful room. Peter enters carrying a toy chest, and is seen from the back.

Peter: Here, happy parents, these are for your new bundles of joy. Congratulations.

Peter puts down the toy chest, turns and leaves. Rather predictably, we see that he has blue eyes and is David.

When he has left, one of the mothers steps forward and opens the toy chest. Several Grues promptly jump out and begin to devour everyone in the room. Screams ensue and blood spurts in several directions. The camera focuses for four minutes on a Grue tearing off a baby’s limbs.

Cut to David, listening to the screaming at the door. He begins to laugh evilly, first quietly, then increasingly uncontrollably, drawing several glances. He begins to spasm, and his eyeballs roll to the top of his head. He suddenly begins to run down the corridor, out the front door and down the street while laughing hysterically.

Cut to several blocks down the street. Dana and Lawrence are running down the street, Lawrence still screaming with pain and covered in spaghetti, Dana still laughing manically.

Random person in the street: <Pointing at Lawrence> Look! It’s the Flying Spaghetti Monster!

Several members of the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster grab Lawrence and carry him off to their nearby church. Dana continues running and cackling. S/he comes to a street corner around which David suddenly runs, still laughing. The two bump into each other and fall on their asses. St. Clarence’s is seen in the background, now on fire.

Dana: Male chauvinist pig! Why don’t you fucking watch where you’re going?!

David: Don’t fucking talk to me like that, bitch! I’ll fucking wreck you!

The two fall silent and stare at each other for a minute, then get up.

Dana: You seem like the appropriately unstable sort. How would you be interested in a little ‘hitman’ work-specifically whacking a man named Lawrence Porter-Brown?

David turns to the camera with the most malevolent grin of the episode. Overly dramatic ‘40s-sounding music plays, and the credits roll against a slideshow of assorted animal porn.