UnScripts:Hans and Franz Episode XXIV.5

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Hans: Wimpy white guy with fake muscles clothed in large sweats to cover the fake muscles. Speaks with fake Austrian accent.
Franz: Another wimpy white guy with fake muscles clothed in large sweats to cover the fake muscles. Speaks with fake Austrian accent.
Dad: Run-of-the-mill American dad.
Jimmy: Average 12 year-old boy; son of dad.


A low-budget TV studio with pictures of muscle-bound men and women in the background.

Act 1 (The only act)[edit]

(Intro music plays - corny yodeling)

{Hans enters stage left, Franz enters stage right}

Hans I am Hanz.

Franz Und I am Franz.

Both Und ve are here to pump {claps hands together und flexes} you up.

Hans Ya Franz, ve have got a great show for ze girly-men out zere in TV land tonight.

Franz Ya, ve do. But vhy do you always get to talk first? Ze people vill zink you are more important zan I am; like you are a super guy und I am just a sidekick or something.

Hans Because zis show vas my idea, und I have ze less-vussy personality.

Franz But I had to hit up our cousin Arnold to get him to put up ze money for zis show und if I vouldn't have done zat, zere vould be no money, und zere vould be no show, so I vant to speak first half of ze time. Und I do not have a vussy personality, you girly-man.

Hans Ya you do, und I'm not ze only one who says it either. Just ask any babe out zere in TV land, und she vill tell you too.

Franz {Threatening with fists} Oh ya? You better shut your mouth, or me und my vussy personality are going to show you how non-vussy my super-massive, finely-toned muscles are, you girly boy!

Hans I'll show you who's ze girly-boy. {Both start to tussle with each other, for a few seconds, then slowly turn heads together to look at camera.}


Hans (Softly) Ve're still on TV, Franz.

Franz (Loudly) Ve vere just kidding. Ve just did zat to show you zat ve are not afraid of anything, cause ve are so ripped und massive.

Hans Ya, ve are not even afraid of each other und ve are so massive zat ve should be afraid of each other, but ve're not.

Franz Ya, und ve vant to show you how ripped und massive ve are, but ve can't take off our shirts here or all ze girls vould swarm us und our super-pumped muscles, und ve couldn't get ze show done, so ve vill show you zis picture instead.

Hans Ya, und zis picture has our heads chopped off because ze girlie man who took our picture vasn't even strong enough to hold up ze camera; not because zis is a picture of somebody else.

Franz Ya, hear us now und understand us later und believe us sometime next veek. Zis is really us, not just some picture ve got off Vikipedia under ze bodybuilders article.

Hans Ya!

Franz Ya!

{Both start flexing wildly for a few seconds.}

Hans OK, like I vas saying before, ve have a great show tonight.

Franz Ya, ve have a kid coming on tonight who vants to become all massive like us.

Hans Ya, but ve are having his dad on vith him because ze producer doesn't zink ve can handle kids by ourselves, but ve are so massive, ve can handle anything. Did you hear zat Frank, you big vimp?

Franz Ya, ve can handle anything. Even kids. Und ve are having one on our show tonight because ve believe zat children are our furniture.

Hans {To Franz} Vhat?

Franz You know, like zat Vhitney Houston song. {Sings} I believe ze children are our furniture. Teach zem vell und...

Hans (interrupts} Future. Ze song says Ve believe ze children are our future. Und if I vas you , I vouldn't go on any singing game show or anything.

Franz Future? You mean like pork bellies und stuff? How are kids like zat?

Hans Future not futures. You know, like kids are going to take over und lead society some day.

Franz Ya, but it vill be a long time before zey vill be as massive und muscular as ve are, so zey can't lead until zey are massive, non-fat un-girly-men like ve are. {picks up newspaper} Und speaking of futures, yours are tanking.

Hans Vhat? {Takes newspaper.} Crap, I can't cover zat.

Franz Looks like you have girlie-finances to go along vith your girlie-man muscles.

Hans Vhy are you talking about money? Ve are not here to talk about money, ve are here to...

Both Pump {clap} you up.

Franz Ya, so lets introduce our guests. Jimmy und his dad.

{Jimmy and dad enter stage left}

Hans Velcome to our show, Jimmy. Do you vant to have huge, massive, incredible muscles like us und not like your dad?

Franz Ya, your dad looks like he still needs his mommy to change his poop-filled diaper.

Hanz Ya, his muscles are so puny zat ve vould need a stethoscope to see zem.

Dad Do you mean microscope?

Hanz Are you telling me zat I don't know vhat I am saying? You might not vant to threaten me because I could toss you across ze room vith my littlest pinky finger full of pumpitute.

Franz Ya, und I could send you flying into ze vall vith a sneeze.

Hans Ya, look at vhat you are up against. Ve are going to give your wife a real treat. She might leave you for a small taste of our pumpaliciousness.

{Both flex vigorously.}

{Dad represses laughter.}

Franz Ya, but ve are not here to beat up a little baby girlie man. Ve are here to...

Both Pump {clap} you up.

Hans So Jimmy, do you vant to become a pumped up babe magnet like ve are?

Franz You vill have to vurk really hard to be like us. Do you know how to vurk hard?

Jimmy Well, I'll be testing for my second-degree black belt in tae-kwon-do next month, and I've worked really hard to achieve that.

Hans Tae-kwon-do? Is zat some kind of girlie-sport?

Franz Ya, your little punching, kicking zing is no match for our awesome massiveness.

Hans Ya, I bet you can't even hurt a little baby vith your tae-kwon-do karate chops.

Jimmy Well, I've broken three boards with a flying side kick.

Franz You vant us to believe zat you can break boards vith your bare hands und feet. Your puny muscles couldn't even put a dent in a poopy diaper.

{Both laugh hysterically}

Jimmy Would you like to see me do it?

Hans Ya, zis should be good.

Franz Ya, try not to break your girlie-hands.

{Dad goes off stage to get a board and returns immediately.}

Hans Let me see zat board. I bet it's been pre-cut or something.

Dad {Holding board out firmly with both arms} Go ahead and punch it.

Hans Easy as squishing a puny mosquito.

{Hans punches board, then grabs hand in agony.}

Franz Let me try.

{Franz punches board with same results.}

Franz Zere is no vay you are going to punch through zat board, Jimmy.

Hans Ya, if our massive muscle bulkitude couldn't do it, zere is no vay scrawny little Jimmy can ever do it.

{Jimmy walks to board and punches through it on the first try.}

{Hans and Franz stand with mouths gaping open for a few seconds}

Franz {Regains composure} Vell, zat's only vood. It's nothing compared to our rock-hard abs.

Hans Ya, if you vere to punch my overly pumped six pack, you vould start crying right here on TV for all your little girlie friends to see.

Franz Ya, und zen you couldn't go to school anymore because even your teachers vould call you Jimmy baby poopy diaper.

Jimmy Can I dad?

Dad Absolutely. But you guys will have to sign these waivers. {Pulls waivers and pen from jacket pocket which Hans and Franz sign.}

Hans Vell, before you embarrass yourself, und put shame on your family name for ze next 500 years, you might vant to take a look at our riptitude.

Franz Ya, und you should change your mind before your dad has to take you to ze hospital to get you put into a body cast.

{Both put everything they have into their flexing.}

Jimmy Are you guys about done?

Hans I bet you are trembling vith a fear zat is as big as my massiveness right now.

Franz Ya, und go ahead und try a flying kick, cause you vill bounce off us like concrete.

Jimmy Then just go ahead and stand over there. Now face each other. A little closer together. OK, hold still.

{Hans and Franz stand facing each other with Franz's back toward the camera. Jimmy runs across the stage, and does a scissor kick striking both Hans and Franz in the stomach. Both drop to the floor unable to catch their breath.

Hans {Gasping} Join us next veek vhen ve vill have OJ Simpson come und show us how to vurk out like an NFL player.

Announcer Join us next week for Pumping Up With Hans & Franz, the informative training program for the serious weightlifter.