UnScripts:A Penultimate Romance
This script art a part of
The UnScripts Project
Your personal Shakspearian folio of humor, love, woe and other silly emotions.
Bulgarion: Main character. He is a trustworthy yet lonesome hunchback in search of love.
Sarai: Bulgarion's love interest. Her peg legs serve as an inspiration to the handicapped community.
Dr. Gird: Angry doctor with Parkinson's Disease. Antagonist to lovable Bulgarion.
Birthshath: A kind and wise Giant Squid. Best friends with Bulgarion.
Juan: Poor peasant boy with no future.
Rachelia: Desperate floosy.
Uncle Leslie: Foolish uncle and the town's lazy cobbler.
A Penultimate Romance
Open on a grassy knoll. It is truly a lovely day in Knickerbocker, England. Birds are singing and bees are buzzing their joyful tunes as a figure, silhouetted by the sun's rays approaches the knoll.
BULGARION: What a beautiful day! The birds are singing and the bees are buzzing their joyful tunes as I approach the grassiest knoll in ALL of Knickerbocker, England.
Bulgarion looks around and sits down on some grass but just as he does he hears the bellow of his mighty friend, Birthshath, the giant flying squid.
BIRTHSHATH (bellows): GRRROOOOOOOBBEEEEEEE! Ahoy Bulgarion! You filthy handicap retard you! HAHA!
BULGARION: Oh Birthshath, must you be so condersending?
Both friends chuckle loudly at their exchange of words.
BIRTHSHATH: Well, maybe if you weren't such a penis face numb nuts tard knocker! HAHA!
Birthshath sprays massive amount of ink into the sky as a celebration of friendship.
BULGARION: Are you ready for the annual Knickerbocker town festival?
BIRTHSHATH: Of course you ugly son of a monkey's douche bag. HAHA
BULGARION: Lovely my old friend. Allow us to head towards the town and greet everyone we see whilst holding hands!
BIRTHSHATH: I have no hands you monochromatic nipple sucker. HAHA!
BULGARION: I'm not too sure you understand the meaning of everything you say...
BIRTHSHATH: To Hell I don't you flappy boobed knockers smacker! HAHA!
The two friends wander off towards town, greeting everyone they see with a joyous high five or a resounding, "Suck it! HAHA!" from sweet and kindly Birthshath.
Curtains close and the scene changes to inside a broken down cobbler's shop where Uncle Leslie is asleep with a big bottle of Heineken resting calmly on his bare chest.
UNCLE LESLIE: *gurgle* Blimey, moi bluddy nose h'rts loike 'ell.
A knock at the door.
UNCLE LESLIE: Oi'm bluddy coomin'
He ambles drunkenly towards the door as it bursts open and Dr. Gird enters abruptly.
DR. GIRD: Hello fool.
UNCLE LESLIE: *burp* who the bluddy buggah're you?
DR. GIRD: Its me you idiot. Dr. Gird. I'm here for the money you own me for that beer IV I sold to you?
UNCLE LESLIE: OOOOHHHH. I thort you was just a Mormon 'oo came a-lookin' fer sum bootay.
DR. GIRD: That makes no sense at all you son of a dog-whore.
UNCLE LESLIE: Maybe not...oh well. 'Ow cen Oi 'elp you, sah?
DR. GIRD: I JUST BLOODY SAID! I'M HERE TO COLLECT THE MONEY FOR YOUR INVETRO-ALCOHOL SURGERY!
Uncle Leslie passes out on the floor before any more could be said. Dr. Gird runs through his wallet.
DR. GIRD: I hate this town. It's full of handicaps and drunkards and people who can't read or control how far they pull their pants down when at the urinal! ONE DAY I MIGHT JUST KILL THEM ALL!
Just then, the door is heard opening and afraid at being caught pick-pocketing a defenseless man, Dr. Gird hides behind a counter. Bulgarion enters as Birthshath awaits outside, being much too big for the cobbler's.
Bulgarion searches the room with his eyes.
BULGARION: Hello? Uncle Leslie? I'm here for my leather clogs! Leslie?
Dr. Gird steps out of his hiding place.
DR. GIRD: *Wretch* My...aren't you...handsome...
BULGARION: Why thank you kind sir. My name is Bulgarion. And you are?
DR. GIRD: I'm the new doctor in town...*gulp* Dr. Gird.
Bulgarion moves to shake Dr. Gird's hand. Dr. Gird pulls back and his hands shake like the maracas in the hands of a seasoned Mexican salsa musician.
BULGARION: Well...that's excellent for our town. Our last doctor was run over by a racing wagon and then eaten by a pack of angry naked mole rats.
DR. GIRD: That's all well and good. I must be going...
Dr. Gird leaves briskly and encounters Birthshath on the street and barely hears the massive squid call out, "WHAT'S THE RUSH NIPPLE FACE? HAHA!" Uncle Leslie awakes.
BIRTHSHATH: Hurry up in there ovary licker, I need to get to the lake so that I can take a massive crap-o-la! HAHA!
UNCLE LESLIE: *burp* Wha' 'appened?
BULGARION: I think you had too much moonshine again, my dear Uncle. Now if you please, I'd like my leather clogs, thank you very much.
UNCLE LESLIE: Anyfin' fo' my favorite custumah.
BULGARION: Thank you kindly. Now I must be off. Birthshath needs to go to the little sqiud's room...
BIRTHSHATH: I'M A BLOODY MASSIVE SQUID YA KNOCKED UP DOWNER! HAHA!
BULGARION: Haha, oh sweet, delicate Birthshath.
UNCLE LESLIE: Yeah...sweet...
Inside the house of Dr. Gird. The doctor takes off his cloak and lays it on his bed. He sits with his head in his Parkinson's stricken hands.
DR. GIRD: What is a man to do? This town is simply plagued with invalids and fools! OH WOE IS ME!
Rachelia, the town floosy, knocks at the door.
RACHELLIA: 'Ello? Be there any man in 'ere a-lookin' fer sum BOOTY?
DR. GIRD: No. Just a depressed doctor coming to grips with the reality.
RACHELIA: Sounds loike a job fer me!
RACHELIA: Oi'm Rachelia n' moi services are cheap.
DR. GIRD: What did I say wench? I don't need your kind wreaking up my home with your evil.
RACHELIA(fixes bra): Ok, foine. Don't be a-needin' me. Oi'll joost be a-goin'.
DR. GIRD: Good. Get out of my sight you ugly hooker.
RACHELIA: Ya know, Oi'm not an 'ookah, Oi'm joost a desperate floosy.
DR. GIRD: Same difference.
RACHELIA: No, i'z not.
DR. GIRD: Honey, don't try to pull the wool over my eyes. You're riddled with gonorrhea and HPV, I can tell. I AM a doctor.
RACHELIA: You gots it all wrong, sweet cakes. Oi luv you!
DR. GIRD: Wait! WAIT! WAAIITT!
DR. GIRD: You're right, who cares. Let's make out!
Curtains close on a passionate make-out session. Scene changes.
The town of Knickerbocker is all bustling with joy over the annual Knickerbocker town festival. Bulgarion is helping to build the massive centerpiece made from wood, depicting a massive Osprey wearing knickerbockers, the town's symbol of prosperity and chastity.
BULGARION: That's right, put its knickerbockers on tight and snug-like.
TOWNSGUY: But my cerebral palsy is preventing me from doing my job.
BIRTHSHATH: Then why don't you crawl into a well filled with crocodiles and porcupines, ya fat walrus humper! HAHA!
BULGARION: Oh Birthsath you rascal! Its ok random townsguy, go back to your wooden chair with wheels and have a breather.
Then, out of the corner of his eye, Bulgarion spies a beautiful young woman he had never seen before. Her silky blond hair waives in the wind as she clicks toward Bulgarion.
SARAI: Excuse me kindly and handsome hunchback, but which way is the fastest way to London?
BIRTHSHATH: I believe my friend is trying to say, you sloppy hooker anus, that London is too good for the likes of you! HAHA!
BULGARION: I must apologize for my squid friend Birthshath, he has no conscience. I do believe the fastest way to London would be to fly there! Ha ha ha ha ha ha...ha...uh...yyyyeah...
No one laughs at Bulgarion's wit.
SARAI: That was funny.
BIRTHSHATH: No it wasn't. HAHA!
SARAI: Well, I thought it was. Anyway, I am just traveling around England searching for my purpose in life.
BULGARION(a little eagerly): Your purpose is here!
BIRTHSHATH: Are you sure? Maybe her purpose is to suck eggs the rest of her pathetic, peg legged life! HAHA!
BULGARION: NO! She belongs with us, in our town of lovely and kind invalids!
SARAI: You think so...Mr...
BIRTHSHATH: Mr. Anus Head. HAHA!
BULGARION: The name's Bulgarion.
SARAI: I'm called Sarai...or Peg Leg Sally, if you have pirate genes in you.
BULAGARION: No, we hate the Spanish here in England.
BIRTHSHATH: I thought we hated those toad humpers, the French. HAHA!
SARAI: I thought the British hated black people.
BULGARION: That's just white people in general.
SARAI: You're white.
BULGARION: Serious? I've never looked in a mirror.
BIRTHSHATH: That's understandable. You're uglier than a dead dog with a tumor on its back! HAHA!
SARAI: I celebrate people's disabilities.
BULGARION: SO DO I!
SARAI: Maybe my purpose is here!
BULGARION: LET'S CELEBRATE!
BIRTHSHATH: YAY! FREE BEER FOR EVERYONE WITH ARMS! HAHA!
Several of the handicapped workers raise their arm(s) in rapture.
Rachelia and Dr. Gird huddle around a big expensive looking bomb.
DR. GIRD: With this bomb, my lovely wench, we will destroy this stupid town and all the useless invalids it contains! *Maniacle laughter*
RACHELIA: Thots a good 'un, Doctor. 'N then we cin boi awll the soup in the country!
DR. GIRD: *Rolls eyes* No, my dear, we will not buy any soup. The only objective is to mercilessly genocide all the handicap vermin in the town...
RACHELIA: But canoodlin' awlways moiks me 'ungry.
DR. GIRD: Then make yourself a ham and soy-cheese sandwich on rye bread.
RACHELIA: Oi 'ate roi bred.
DR. GIRD: *To himself* I seriously regret the civil service I just went through with this wench.
RACHELIA: Wot'd you say, lovah?
Rachelia and Dr. Gird listen to "Londing Calling" and laugh evilly.
All the town of Knickerbocker is gathered for the Annual Lighting of the Angry Pheasant Piñata. Bulgarion makes the blessing.
BULGARION: And good lord of the Mightily Angry Pheasant, bless us this next year with joy and laughter and cheap prothstetic limbs. AMEN!
BIRTHSHATH: This bloody tastes like anus, HAHA!
JUAN: Excoos me Señor. Dees efood was maid by me. I deed my ebest. *Puppy dog smile w/ tear filled eyes*
BIRTHSHATH: *Giant squid eyes fill with tears* Is that so little one?
JUAN: Si, Señor Calamar muy grande.
BIRTHSHATH: Well, in that case...
Birthshath takes his mighty giant squid sized plate and rams it into Juan's poor little peasant boy sized mouth, expoding his entire head as his cerebral cortex and medulla oblongta fly to many parts of the table.
SARAI: That was quite uncalled for Birthshath.
BIRTHSHATH: He was askin for it that little puke smeared peasant rectum waffle! HAHA!
BULGARION: That's it Birthshath. I've stood by and let you get away with your soulessness and sociopathic tendecies for too long! I HERE BY BANISH YOU FOREVER!
The crowd gasps...but then continues to eat.
BIRTHSHATH: Fine, I don't need you, you stupid hunchback gigalo! I'm out of here!
Birthshath flies to the abyss of space.
In a secluded part of town, Dr. Gird and Rachelia plant their nuclear bomb and begin to arm it for absolute destruction.
DR. GIRD: Yes! We have armed the bomb. Our extremely evil plan is almost complete!
RACHELIA: 'N den we can go back to the 'ouse and do the no pants dance, roight me lovah?
DR. GIRD: Sorry m'lady. There will be no dancing with pants off tonight! You are the fuel that will...uh...fuel our bomb!
Dr. Gird grabs Rachelia and shoves her into a small door on the side of the nuclear bomb.
RACHELIA: OI THORT YOU LOVED MEEEEE!
DR. GIRD: How could anyone love such an ugly , filthy douche bag such as yourself?! HOW?!
He slams the door with much malice in his heart.
DR. GIRD: And now, when this moronic town is nothing but ashes and melted glass eyes and/or pace makers, I, DR. GIRD will rebuild this town for the physically fit! We shal spread our good health over everyone else and no one will be able to stand in our way! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAAHAH!
As Birthshath is flying over the town, into space, never to be seen again, he notices Dr. Gird shove his favorite wench into an expensive looking bomb.
BIRTHSHATH: OH SHIZNIT! That's a nuclear bomb! It has the potential to destroy all of Knickerbocker!
BIRTHSHATH'S CONSCIENCE: Good. Let him do it. Who needs those pus ridden selfish-dog-wallopers! HAHA!
BIRTHSHATH: Who the bloody hell is talking?
BIRTHSHATH'S CONSCIENCE: Its me. Your conscience you idiotic moron kisser! HAHA!
BIRTHSHATH: Wait. If you're my conscience, aren't you supposed to tell me to go and tell Bulgarion and the rest that Dr. Gird is using Rachelia as bomb fuel to kill them all?
BIRTHSHATH'S CONSCIENCE: No. The conscience does the opposite job in giant flying magic squids you fecal sucking douche nozzle. HAHA!
BIRTHSHATH: Then I will listen to you no more! FROM NOW ON I'M A CONSIDEDRATE AND HELPFUL GIANT FLYING MAGIC SQUID!
He flies back towards the feast to warn the rest.
Birthshath returns and tells them everything he just saw.
PLAYWRIGHT: There's no need to recap what you just read. Use your imaginations...
SISKEL: I'd like to acutally see what happens.
EBERT: Yeah, me too. I LIKE POTATOS!
PLAYWRIGHT & SISKEL: What?
EBERT: Sorry. I just thought the audience would like to know my affinity for potatos.
PLAYWRIGHT: Trust me, they don't.
*All roll eyes at the stupidity of Ebert.*
Birtshath and the rest of everyone quickly make their way to the massive nuclear bomb awaiting to destroy their town. They encounter Dr. Gird.
DR. GIRD: YOU'RE TOO LATE YOU FOOLS! HAHAHAHAHA! This bomb will explode in only one minute and you will all DIE!
BULGARION: Not if we can disarm it!
DR. GIRD: Don't be an idiot like usual Bulgarion! You can't disarm it without my secret code...WHICH I FORGOT! ON PURPOSE! MUHAHAHAHAHAAH!
Everyone is very sad and disappointed.
SARAI: Bulgarion, I feel... these strange feelings for you... I can't understand them...
BULGARION: Is the feeling queasy and uneasy?
SARAI: Yes. Yes it is...
BULGARION: I too am experiencing said feelings.
SARAI: I think it might be love...
BIRTHSHATH: OR INDIGESTION YOU UGLY BARRY WHITE WANNABES! HAHA! Oops, sorry, that was my conscience talking...
DR. GIRD: Well, too bad you'll all be DEAD in less than 30 seconds! HAHAHAHA! IDIOT WEENIE PEOPLE!
BIRTHSHATH: NOT IF I HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!
DR. GIRD: What can you, a giant, useless, flying squid with Turret's Syndrome, do now? THIS BOMB IS INDESTRUCTIBLE!
BIRTHSHATH'S CONSCIENCE: Yeah, you fat piece of NOTHING!
BULGARION: 15 SECONDS!
BIRTHSHATH: All my life I've stood by and lesser and albeit, stupider, people be mercilessly slaughtered in the name of senseless violence! For example, World War II and The Vietnam War and World of Warcraft for Slim Whitman's sake! I WILL NOT let this happen! NEVER AGAIN! GROOOOOOOOBEEEEEEEEE!
Birthshath leaps upon the bomb, encompassing it with his girth. Dragonforce is played as the background track in an attempt to stir up feelings of urgency in the audience. All look on as the mighty squid bellows his final breath out like a true hero. Dr. Gird runs forward and tries to pry the squid off of his creation but slips on some of the squid's ink juice and nails his head into the out sticking hook of a man with no real arms. The hook tears through the tender face flesh of the doctor and cracks open his skull and severs the hemisphere's of his brain into several pieces. Blood flies onto surrounding handicapped individual's wool clothing.
BULGARION: Oh me oh my. What a violent way to die...
SARAI: Good rhyme honey.
BULGARION: Thanks my sexy peg leg lady!
SARAI: LET'S CANOODLE!
BULGARION: Yes please.
BIRTHSHATH: Hey! What about this bloody bomb?!
BULGARION: You got it amigo! I'll see you later! I got someone to do...
Bulgarion and Sarai exit.
BIRTHSHATH: YOU SON OF A BI...
Birthshath is cut off by the explosion of the bomb. Pieces of the squid incinerate immediately as if he had been tossed into some lava or maybe even the sun. The blast radius covers 5 feet of the surrounding area only. Had Birthshath not covered the bomb with his huge mass, the bomb, ironically, only would have killed Dr. Gird who was the only one standing close enough prior to Birthshath's demonstration of heroism (as useless as it was).
TOWNSPERSON OF NO PARTICULAR STEREOTYPE AND/OR ETHNICITY: Shiznit frizzle yo. I think dis nigga right here needs some sort of biatchin' statue datta holla at all da niggaz up in dis biznitch dat Birfshaf wuz da shiz!
REST OF THE TOWN: HUZZAH!
SISKEL: That literally had nothing to do with handicapped romance.
EBERT: I liked it. It taught me to never count out the little guy. That's it! Veronica? Call back that paraplegic Mexican kid. Tell him he's hired!
VERONICA: The one you pushed out of his wheelchair and then shortly after, stabbed his Capuchin monkey to death?
EBERT (sheepishly): Yeah...that one...