UnPoetia:Paradise Abridged

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Paradiƒe Abridg’d





The Author G. S.

Licenƒed and Entered

According to Order


Printed, and to be ƒold by No One

Clicketh here for BOOK ONE

The Argument

This first Book proposes, first in brief, then in very brief, Man’s disobedience, and the loss thereupon of Paradise wherein he was placed. Satan, being the man that he is, revolts from God, and draws many legions of angels to his side. This action is passed over for a time, however, and we begin by joining Satan and his crew, defeated, upon a burning lake of fire at the bottom of Chaos in a place hereafter called Hell. Satan is the first to rise; he makes a bunch of badass speeches to his crew. They then construct Pandemonium and do a bunch of badass devil shit.

Clicketh here for BOOK TWO

The Argument

The consultation in Pandemonium begun, Satan debates whether another battle should be hazarded for the recovery of Heaven: some advise it, others dissuade. A third proposal is preferred, mentioned before by Satan, about traveling to a soon-to-be-created world inhabited by creatures like, but inferior, to themselves, and fuck that place up real good to stick it to God. Satan volunteers for the job, and is applauded. On his way to Earth through Chaos he is accosted by the strange characters of Sin and Death.

Clicketh here for BOOK THREE

The Argument

God, sitting on his Throne, sees Satan flying towards this world. God shows him to the Son and foretells Satan’s success in perverting Man; explains His desire to extend grace to Man (for Man did not fall as a result of his own malice, as did Satan, but was by Satan tempted); explains how Man must still pay for his transgression because he has free will and therefore freely chose to fall; declares that all Man’s progeny are to die for something their forebears did; accepts the notion that the Son puts forth that the Son will be the one to die to appease divine justice in lieu of Man; commands all the angels to adore the Son; and gets shit done like a boss. Meanwhile, Satan approaches the orb of Earth, and fools the Archangel Uriel to let him past because Uriel’s a fucking retard.

Clicketh here for BOOK FOUR

The Argument

Satan, now in prospect of Eden after having easily fooled the daft Archangel Uriel, lands upon the Earth on Mount Niphates. He comes into many doubts with himself, and many passions—fear, envy, and despair—but at last confirms himself in evil. He begins an epic speech to the sun upon the Assyrian Mount Niphates when he is interrupted mid-speech by the Archangel Gabriel and forced to flee like a bitch.

Clicketh here for BOOK FIVE

The Argument

His speech on Mount Niphates cut short by the interjecting Gabriel, Satan flees Eden for a time, allowing the narrative agent to come at last to Adam and Eve, who are joined the following morn in their bower. God, to render Man inexcusable for their inevitable Sin, sends the Archangel Raphael down to admonish Man of his obedience and free estate. Raphael does this in part, but is distracted by small talk and winds up explaining a bunch of other stuff instead.

Clicketh here for BOOK SIX

The Argument

Raphael, still distracted by small talk, explains to Adam the events of the war in Heaven instigated by Satan.

Clicketh here for BOOK SEVEN

The Argument

Raphael, distracted by small talk yet, explains, at Adam’s request, the creation of the world by God.

Clicketh here for BOOK EIGHT

The Argument

Adam, after having been explained by Raphael the creation of the world basically as it appears in the Book of Genesis in detail, inquires as to the nature of celestial motions, which Raphael doubtfully answers. Raphael then remembers what it was he was sent down to Earth to do in the first place (admonish Man of his obedience), and does it.

Clicketh here for BOOK NINE

The Argument

Satan, having compass’d the Earth, returns as a mist by night into Paradise, and enters into the Serpent sleeping. Adam and Eve, meanwhile, awake and go forth to their labors. Eve suggests the two separate; Adam consents not; Eve, resenting the implication that she is not as firm or resolute as Adam, insists; Adam, not wanting to deal with that shit, consents. The Serpent seeks out Eve, and through his fork-tongued flattery convinces her to eat of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge.

Clicketh here for BOOK TEN

The Argument

Man’s transgression known, the guardian angels forsake Paradise, and return up to Heaven to approve their vigilance, and are approv’d, God declaring that the entrance of Satan could not be by them prevented. Meanwhile, Satan returns to Hell, relates to his fallen host his great success, and is applauded—or, rather, hiss’d at, as he and all his host have been transformed into snakes by God.

Clicketh here for BOOK ELEVEN

The Argument

God declares that Adam and Eve can no longer reside in Paradise, and sends Michael with a band of Cherubim to remove them. First, though, he has Michael reveal to Adam future events, which, in the opinion of the author, would have been better done before certain events transpired.

Clicketh here for BOOK TWELVE

The Argument

Michael continues to relate to Man future events, is interrupted, gets fed up, and leaves.

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