UnNews:Your gut: creeped out feeling on the rise

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, April 20, 2024, 02:39:59 (UTC)
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6 June 2008

The location of the problem.

Your gut, your body -- Sources closes to various organs between your sternum and your pelvis report that that twisting, butterfly feeling you've been experiencing has been getting worse.

"Basically, the guts are in an uproar at the moment," said your left lung. "Between work worries, and the fact that sexually attractive person hasn't called back, and the state of the economy, the guts are at about 8.7 on the jitters scale.

"Perhaps now was not the best time for exploring this haunted house." it added.

Leading experts in the field of ooky-ness predict that matters will get worse before they get better.

"Basically, your entire gastric system from esophagus to rectal sphincter is being put under tremendous strain by stress." said leading gastroenterologist Dr. Andrea Zbink. "This probably began last Thursday, when you found that bill that had fallen behind your desk, and realised that you were a month behind on credit card payments. Added to this is your boss' sudden unwillingness to look you in the eye, your mother's awful cough which she says is nothing and the fact that the eyes on that painting just fucking moved... well, you can see that you are so stressed out that you probably shouldn't look behind you."

Almost immediately after reading this, your legs announced a growing sense of weakness, mainly about the knees.

"Basically, we're ready to run, or collapse," said your right leg. "We're pretty sure that we can handle either of these tasks. We're just not happy with all of this walking backwards crap."

Your left leg is equally critical. " There are many questions that remain unanswered," it said, "Like is that spot on nose a freckle or a melanoma? Why does our accountant keep leaving urgent messages on our machine? Why is head not looking where it is going? And why is arm pointing the flashlight in the wrong way?"

Meanwhile, your heart declined to comment. "I'm just not in this."

Your stomach will be holding a press conference later today, at which time it is expected that it will confirm whether you are going to shit yourself, or just hurl.

Sources[edit]

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