UnNews:White House double trouble

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 15:24:59 (UTC)
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20 October 2017

Photo experts point to the differences in Melania Trump’s appearance from the Maryland trip (left) and an earlier photo. They note differences in the nose, head shape and what reporters always refer to as "her glorious mane". The white line around the First Lady can be ignored as this is an artifact left by any high quality camera such as those used by The Enquirer, New York Post or the UK's The Sun.

MINNEAPOLIS-ST. PAUL, Minnesota -- Furious speculation has followed the reports of a double standing in for Melania Trump during the President Donald Trump’s recent Maryland appearance. While obscure truthers like Snopes and the Wall Street Journal have supposedly proven otherwise, prominent groups like the Hollow Earth Society stand by the claims.

The White House has now confirmed that the woman seen with President Trump in Maryland was indeed a body double of his wife. Security experts nodded in approval at the extra level of precaution, as Melania Trump would succeed the president in the event of his death, debilitation or impeachment. While the substitution was acknowledged, officials remained tight-lipped about the identity of the impersonator.

It turns out that Melania Trump was reluctant to make the unexpected move to Washington and hasn’t been with her husband since the inauguration. Some observers think the double is Russian media hound Ksenia Sobchak, sent by Vladimir Putin, flaunting her known love for dark glasses and trench coats. However, observers noted that the mystery woman in Maryland was wearing clothes underneath her trenchcoat. Others think that it was the Terminator, played by a slimmed-down Arnold Schwarzenegger, who has not been seen since January. Others consider that idea to be fantasy, as it is not canon to the Terminator franchise. A third choice has been a Secret Service agent often seen with the First Lady. Other than being black and a foot shorter, she is considered to be a dead ringer for Mrs. Trump walking in trench.

The President then jumped in during the press conference and hinted that at least one body double was being used for himself as well. "Maybe it could be Superman sometimes. His real name is Gennady. It might be that genius guy in the wheelchair, that Tony Hawk." White House Chief of Security Fred Redditor sighed and stated, "You might think we used Stephen Baldwin, but he’s actually not that good of a match, plus the boss don’t like him. We went with his brother William. He’s not only a good squinter but he’s got a proven ability to throw a pack of paper towels across a room."

Redditor explained further that Secretary of the Interior Ryan Zinke is frequently doubled by Nicolas Cage and Secretary of the Treasury Steven Mnuchin is doubled by John Travolta. "You might have seen Nick Cage and Travolta shooting at each other around the Reflecting Pool, and figured a Face-Off remake was being made. That was the real Zinke and real Mnuchin in a budget dispute."

Several known Secret Service and FBI agent doubles were contacted for this article but were unavailable for comment as the Red Army Choir is currently on tour.

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