UnNews:US carpool to emulate Texas

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Fake News that's honestly fake ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 10:28:59 (UTC)
US carpool to emulate Texas UnNews Logo Potato.png

25 February 2021

Critics dare to call this environmentally friendly vehicle "ugly."

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- The U.S. Government advanced plans to convert to an all-electric motor pool, just as windmills froze in a Texas cold snap and the state adopted the California fashion craze of "rolling black-outs."

Oshkosh Defense won a contract from the US Postal Service to deliver a new fleet of trucks to do the vital job of delivering pieces of paper, which gets more vital when you can't get on the Internet because of a multi-day statewide electric outage. It beat out an all-electric bid, so the Service will have a few gasoline-powered trucks to avoid rolling black-outs in its own rolling stock. The vehicles will be Ford Transits, which one expert described as "tall, boxy with low clearance. Those should do wonderful in the snow and ice," making them perfect for winter mail delivery. Modifications including a wind turbine on top that will power the trucks forward while achieving carbon neutrality. Rooftop solar panels will give an assist; Oshkosh engineers believe the trucks will usually have enough momentum, going under a bridge and temporarily losing solar power, to come out on the other side, though tunnels remain an engineering problem to be solved, likewise cloudy days.

Postmaster General Louis DeJoy said in a statement, "As the American institution that binds our country together, the U.S. Postal Service can have a bright and modern future if we make investments today that position us for excellence tomorrow." Only, the institution that actually binds the U.S. together is welfare, and payments don't even go out in the mail; rather, they are instantly credited to the client's EBT card to remove any stigma from living on the taxpayer's dime. New York Times tech reporter Mike Isaac compared the new trucks to a well-known bodily excretion, but that is wrong as well, as the substance is generally brown, while the trucks will probably be white, like the current fleet. This keeps them from being mistaken for Amazon trucks, which they are anyway, on the weekends.

A single Ford F-150 truck was able to power the entire city of Abilene, Texas from the Infotainment Port behind the back seat.

Ford, the manufacturer of the Transit, was busy during the bad weather in Texas, asking its dealers to loan out 400 of its signature F-150 trucks so that Texans could charge their cellphones. But it did not ask dealers to loan out any Transits so people could receive mail. Despite its fame as an oil-producing state, Texas has followed California by mandating that its electric utilities switch to solar and wind to power the electric grid almost all of the time. The two technologies are widely regarded as "sustainable" sources of unsustainable electricity. Happily, Texas had the fossil-fuel back-up of running their vehicles all night to get a good sleep in a warm garage.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:US_carpool_to_emulate_Texas&oldid=6086730"