UnNews:UN Security Council imposes sanctions on North Pole

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 03:06:59 (UTC)
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23 December 2006

North Pole leader Santa Clause says it's just a clock, but the United States claims it could be a ticking time-bomb.

UNITED NATIONS -- In a special Saturday session, the UN Security Council approved sanctions against the North Pole for refusing to scale back its massive military-industrial-toy complex. For months now, the rogue nation has been embroiled in controversy over its huge factory construction and unprecedented increases in manufacturing. The United States claims the North Pole is trying to build weapons and take over the world, but the arctic nation insists the build-up is for peaceful toy production only.

The North Pole's leader, Santa Clause, immediately condemned the sanctions and said his country is not intimidated. Mr. Clause is known for publicly defying the international community; he was most recently criticized for holding a conference to debate the truth behind Hanukkah. "It's a myth - the oil didn't last for 8 days - it was 2 days at most," Santa was quoted as saying, outraging Jews worldwide.

The resolution was passed unanimously after some last-minute wrangling with veto-holding Security Council member Russia. President Putin was reluctant to sanction the North Pole, since for Christmas he was promised some extra Polonium 210 for poisoning enemies. His diplomats finally managed to negotiate a clause in the text that will allow Clause to still deliver the radioactive present. All other gift-giving, however, was explicitly forbidden by the United Nations.

Government leaders acknowledge that the sanctions are a tough sell with their constituents because of Santa Clause's powerful and endearing charisma, particularly with children. French President Jacques Chirac explained, "It's so difficult to approve these measures when my 8 year-old granddaughter cries and says 'but grandpa Jacques, I love Santa!'" In Britain, Prime Minister Tony Blair assured the public that "despite his jolly laugh and attractive beard, Santa is a brutal dictator and a big fat menace to the world." Although the North Pole is ostensibly a democratic nation, in reality many segments of society are oppressed; elves for example are forced into slave labor.

The current sanctions are non-military in nature, but the Security Council vowed to escalate them if the North Pole doesn't comply. Intelligence agencies are anticipating potential retaliatory moves by Santa. The latest spy satellite photos show a build-up at the North Pole's reindeer stables. Analysts are unsure what it could mean, but one CIA agent requesting anonymity revealed there is "increased chatter about something happening on December 25th; we're scrambling to figure out what that could be." Meanhile, in a televised speech to the nation after the resolution was passed, US President Bush assured citizens that "we will not let Santa ruin Christmas."


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