UnNews:Two dumb cunts win journalism award
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:45:59 (UTC) |
| Two dumb cunts win journalism award | 
|
5 August 2012
New York, New York -- In a shocking upset, two dumb, undeserving cunts have won this year's William Crafter award for excellence in online journalism, an award that many in the industry spend years of persistent hard work day in, day out attempting to obtain.
The award-winning piece, an in-depth analysis of the crisis in Syria, by writer Christine Stanton and photographer Julia Xin of the Mallory Post Online, was released at least four days after a markedly similar piece also in the running, yet was nonetheless favored by the comittee for its higher amount of "quality content".
"This just means so much to me. I would like to thank everyone on our team that helped make this happen. To be a part of an organization that has opened so many eyes to the realities of the world has been truly a blessing, and we hope and pray for a peaceful resolution to this terrible conflict that has cost so many innocent lives." said Christine, after apparently forgetting to brush her teeth this morning.
This is the first time in its 15-year existence that an all-female team has won the award. Yet what is for many a step forward in an industry that continues to be dominated by men, however, remains controversial to those educated in the background of the prize recipients.
According to sources, Christine was often known as a "slut" by classmates in her hometown of Bon Air, Virginia. Despite graduating valedictorian and moving on to Columbia University where she became editor-in-chief for the Columbia Daily Spectator by her sophomore year, Christine's condemnable sexual habits continued, reportedly blowing guys in the bathroom of a local Denny's between classes. Additionally, it is widely suspected that she cheated on a Calculus exam in the 12th grade and was described by a former boyfriend as a "total selfish twat".
While marginally less of a filthy hoebag, an in-depth investigation shows that Julie's was a similar story. A first-generation immigrant to the United States, Julie didn't speak English until the age of seven. She attended school in the Los Angeles suburb of El Monte, California, where she played lacrosse. At her high school, it was not uncommon for her to be seen getting with at least five different guys from the men's lacrosse team within a span of two weeks, an unusual amount for a woman of any age. After winning a contest with her study on poor water quality at a local reservoir, she earned a full scholarship to UCLA where she majored in Photography and Asian-American Studies.
Her spare time is spent volunteering at animal shelters. Despite this apparent display of a kind nature, she has been called a "totally ugly and a pretentious little prick" and "willing to backstab you for bullshit reasons" by those who know her well.
Though critics have praised the two womens' contribution to the world of online journalism over the past five years, the reaction from the community itself remains harsh.
"Those bitches can piss off," said one UnNews contributor who wished to remain anonymous.
Sources[edit]
 |
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |