UnNews:Tony Greig announces release of limited-edition Shane Warne "Red Wings" souvenir
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| Tony Greig announces release of limited-edition Shane Warne "Red Wings" souvenir | 
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19 January 2008
PERTH, Australia, GNN (Goanna News Network). CHANNEL Nine spokessalesman Tony Greig has announced the release of the limited-edition Shane Warne "Red Wings" souvenir framed cricket stump and used tampon cross-section.
Each individually numbered and authenticated collectible souvenir includes a signed photo of Warne's famous 1993 dismissal of England middle-order pie-scoffer Mike Gatting, a cricket stump made of certified Indian plantation willow, and a sliver of the tampon that was being worn by Mancunian slapper Sally Strumpet moments before she had sex with Warne shortly after stumps on the evening of the "Gatting Ball" in June 1993.
"Well, I have to tell you that this tremendous, limited-edition souvenir, individually signed and numbered by none other than that master of leg-spin bowling himself, Shane Keith Warne, is undoubtedly something that you and your family will treasure for generations," Greig said yesterday.
"This really is a truly magical item and a highly collectible piece of historical sporting memorabilia," Greig continued without drawing breath. "It comes framed in attractive old-growth Burmese rainforest hardwood, and really is certain to rise in value over the years, as each individually signed, numbered and authenticated edition contains not only an attractive signed photograph of the Gatting ball, personally signed and autographed by the Sheikh of Tweak himself, Shane Warne, but it also contains a sliver of the original Tampax-brand tampon that that dirty little minx (Ms Strumpet) was wearing just before she dropped her knickers and climbed aboard Warnie's middle stump."
Greig said that the tampon was of historical significance because it marked the first occasion on which Warne had sex with a woman who was menstruating.
"Yes, this really is the very jam rag that Warnie whipped out the night he got his red wings," Greig said. "I have to tell you that to best of my knowledge -- and I've asked around about this, believe you me! -- this really was the very first time that Warnie served up a short length to a sheila who was 'dropping clots', as you Aussies like to say."
Greig, a South African who once captained the England cricket team, said that buyers should consider the "Red Wings" souvenir a sound financial investment.
"Well, just let me tell you, if you're worried that you haven't been squirreling enough money away into your superannuation, get the Lion on the line, or failing that, just buy a couple of these priceless limited-edition 'Warnie's Red Wings' souvenir works of historical art memorabilia and stick them in the back shed, or perhaps the billiard room or basement, for a couple of decades, and -- hey, presto! -- you've got your retirement nest egg right there."
The Shane Warne "Red Wings" souvenir is priced at $A1299, or four easy monthly payments of $A399.
Meanwhile, on day four of the third Test in Perth the Australian cricket team was warming up the Vaseline in preparation for the fisting they were about to get from the Indians.
Sources[edit]
- Shinola Earwax-Bitumin "Match-fixing scandal? What's all this, then?". Perturbed Capitalist Quarterly, January 16, 2008