UnNews:Timing of Apple announcement is suspect

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search
Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Saturday, December 21, 2024, 18:34:59 (UTC)
Timing of Apple announcement is suspect UnNews Logo Potato.png

8 September 2014

Tim Cook, always anxious to show that he has "mojo" after the passing of Steve Jobs, has installed himself as the "wallpaper" of the new device.

CUPERTINO, California -- National celebrities have cast suspicion on Apple's decision to launch a new smartphone on Tuesday, which is Election Day in many U.S. states.

Rush Limbaugh told his talk radio audience, "This is just more of 'Operation Change-The-Subject.' The Republican Party is on its way to a sweep, if it can simply resist the temptation to embrace ideas for eight more weeks, and all [U.S. President Barack] Obama and his allies can do is distract voters with glitz and gadgets!"

Limbaugh claims the entire San Francisco peninsula is Obama territory, where all job applicants must be registered Democrats. They are given a lie detector test to ensure their loyalty to Mr. Obama, then chemically tested before employment to ensure that no one has come in contact with a plastic shopping bag.

So it is not surprising that Apple Computer chose September 9 to launch a device whose screen reportedly will be large enough to permit its use without squinting, crossing the eyes, and holding it in front of the face. The new device might require new laws, as users will no longer necessarily be "distracted drivers," provided they are in the Google car, announced at the same time, that will "drive itself."

Tech bloggers say the new device will have a revamped user interface. The thumb-slide gesture will be abandoned, as it requires that the user have well-opposed thumbs. Rather, the phone will be operated with gestures that come more naturally: rapping it on the table, shaking it, or throwing it across the room.

At last report, the Islamic caliphate was holding off on its new product announcement until Thursday. Mr. Obama, for his part, said the White House still has "no strategy" for that, but has almost put the finishing touches on a strategy for the new phone.

Sources[edit]

Retrieved from "https://uncyclopedia.com/w/index.php?title=UnNews:Timing_of_Apple_announcement_is_suspect&oldid=5822895"