UnNews:Tigger Woods says his 'bouncy-bouncy' days are over

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 23:41:59 (UTC)

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22 March 2010
MIAMI BEACH, Florida -- Philandering Tigger Woods says he has "suffered enough" and now plans to go back on the golf course and resume his career. He has also agreed to drink more bromide to cut down on his 'bouncy-bouncy' urges.

Tigger Woods is now back "giving it some tree."

The stripey serial seducer told hard-hitting news channel Nickelodeon that he is "ready and willing" to pick up his golf clubs and go back out looking for the birdies and eagles in an attempt to restore his reputation. "I have been lying in the bottom of the toy box for the last four months ever since my Swedish wife Pippi Longstocking found out I had been playing about in the rough. I had a long time to think under a pile of discarded Cabbage Patch dolls and now I have promised Pippi that if she catches me again hanging out my putter, she can cut off my supply of Swedish meatballs."

Woods' first game since his disgrace will be a celebrity golf tournament in 100 Acre Wood. In a break from tradition, the local golf course has imposed strict Sharia Law which should stop unwanted and unaccompanied women being allowed anywhere near Woods' bulging golf bags.

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.

Speaking on behalf of the Aunt Augusta Memorial Crazy Golf Course, Tigger Woods' libel lawyers Christoper Robin and Associates claimed the restrictions imposed on women attending weren't 'sexist' but a matter of respecting the sponsors of the event, the Taliban Islamic Toy Shop.

"Crazy golf is a serious business and since Mr Woods withdrew from all activities related to this game, interest has dramatically declined. Tigger Woods is a unique asset and his fans will be happy to see him unzipping his bag, pulling out a shaft, and driving his balls across the rough."