UnNews:Soccer warlord 'not to face trial' in The Hague

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1 June 2011

Sepp Blatter and Ratko Mladic: Guilt by Association Football.

ZURICH, Switzerland-- Defiant FIFA presidential warlord Sepp Blatter is refusing all demands that he be deported to The Hague to face trial by the United Nations Soccer Tribunal (UNST) for "crimes against football."

Standing on a huge pile of money and surrounded by his loyal supporters, a recalcitrant Blatter accused the court in the Dutch city to be part of an English plot to discredit his regime and ruin his own personal credit rating.

"I am innocent of all crimes I am accused of," said an angry Blatter. "The English are still very bitter about the inability to win anything since 1966. So now they are taking it out on a poor Swiss boy who has made football a cash-rich game."

Blatter said the UNST had told him privately - with a message passed under a table - that there was no chance that he would be "involuntarily" visiting Holland in the near future. The FIFA strongman then went on to list the allegations the English had "thrown like shit against my wall." They apparently include,

  • Not arranging for England to win the World Cup in 1970, 1974, 1978 etc.
  • Changing the offside rule to discriminate against slower thinking English players.
  • Forcing the English to play international football tournaments when it's hot and sunny.
  • Banning tackles like "the hack," "the chop from behind," "the leg breaker," and "knee in the groin."
  • Spreading football to countries who have no right to play the game any better than England.

Blatter, who has run the independent state of FIFA since 1998 after years of English dominance, produced the full list of allegations in front of a crowd and burnt them in a golden brazier. He also had a former loyal follower Chuck Blazer thrown into the flames to keep it going. Blatter's other former associate Ratko Mladic was nowhere to be seen and is now believed to be in an "a very flat country" on an extended stay.

Sources[edit]

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