UnNews:Sears closes more stores

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10 July 2017

Even newer Sears stores like this could close.

NEW YORK, New York -- Sears Holdings Corp. will close 8 more Sears stores and 35 of its Kmarts. This is in the wake of the closure of 265 Sears stores so far and the announcement of more closings yet to come. An expert noted that retail chain has been unprofitable "since the year gimel, it seems." A spokesperson for RadioShack charged that the announcement was a shameless ploy to get free advertising as well as a blatant attempt to copy RadioShack’s business plan.

CEO "Steady" Eddie Lamprey personally notified the 43 employees affected by the recently announced closures. When Lamprey shook hands with each of the workers, they were shocked. Lamprey had found a still-working joy buzzer in an old stockroom.

Before she was fired, spokesperson Billie Lyre noted that store closings saved well over a billion dollars last year. "To save even more, we must close more stores, until the number reaches zero. Only when the number of stores reaches a negative number will Sears become a profitable business once again." She also repeated the company's vow that Sears would never, ever adopt the "incredibly worthless" mail-order business model of the likes of Amazon.

Sears has not been the only brick-and-mortar retailer to close stores this year. But sometimes it has not been their own idea. Sears has in fact closed several stores it doesn’t own. This included a Macy’s, two Home Depots and half of a Ross store. "In executing our grand plan to prevent further losses, we admit we got carried away," said CEO Lamprey. "We know now that the use of C4 explosives to clear out store stock is not advised. 'Clearance' does not literally mean that, according to our recently-fired attorneys." The other retail chains will be compensated with Sears 20%-off coupons and Kmart common stock.

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