UnNews:Old lady dies of old age

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

UnFair and UnBalanced UnNews Thursday, October 6, 2022, 20:36:59 (UTC)

Old lady dies of old age UnNews Logo Potato.png

8 September 2022

'We are ready for our postage stamp portrait.'

LONDON, United Kingdom -- Britons are stunned that an old lady could die peacefully of old age. Queen Elizabeth II passed away shortly after the UK's new prime minister, Liz Truss, kissed Her Former Majesty on the hand. The palace guards say this was just a 'coincidence', though several whisper the queen didn't want to die with Boris Johnson still in charge.

Like a clock slowly unwinding, Elizabeth had spent more of time at home in Windsor than doing her job at Buckingham Palace, like dressing up in regal clothes. This meant the public saw less of her and some forgot what she looked like. Her face is on the banknotes, but fewer people have enough of them. Now with acres of press coverage, everyone will be seeing her face on all television channels for the next month.

When the news broke in Britain, the media flooded Balmoral Castle and Buckingham Palace in the hope to see the new king, Charles III, and his wife, Queen Camilla. There had been a delay in announcing Charles as the new monarch, as he had been considering using another of his given names to become king, like Arthur, George or Philip. He was eventually persuaded to be known as Grumpy King Charlie.

Kwarteng, a result of BoJo's push to put diverse faces into harmless posts, might sneak an etching of Meghan Markle onto the new notes.

Royal experts expect the new king will be a bit different from his mother. She was born in an era in which Britannia expected to rule all the bits of the globe painted red. In the end, she still had Canada and the Cayman Islands, but all other countries who had Elizabeth as their head of state are planning to become republics by 2030. By then, Charles will have gone too, after a short reign like that of Edward VII after he had waited 60 years to succeed Queen Victoria.

The U.K. and those remaining British Commonwealth members will now have to issue new banknotes, so that Charlie's subjects will know what he looks like. This will let them know, if a grumpy old man tells them to 'Get orf moy lawn' or something, that it is their monarch and they had better obey him, or perhaps not. There is usually a short grace period before the old bills cease to be legal tender and are good only for arse-wiping, though you might go on holiday in Jamaica and find someone who will accept them. In view of Charlie's age, however, Chancellor of the Exchequer Kwasi Kwarteng said, 'It's probably not worth the effort, is it?'

Sources[edit]