UnNews:Not the same old African orphan charity

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 09:01:59 (UTC)
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23 April 2007

Zealand laments his inability to help more, "Dude, so many orphans, so few skateboards."

Sandy, Utah - In a pique of white guilt, the students of Livingston Elementary are being forced by the PTA to make blankets and dolls for African orphans. Again.

"When we heard about the plight of these poor little children over there in Camaroonian or Ivory Toast or where-ever, we knew we had to do something," said Dee Christiansenson, president of the PTA. "Then we heard about the New Village of Hope Orphanage and Skate Park, started by a Livingston alumnus and member of the Peace Corps, Brian Zealand."

Zealand founded New Hope because of the poor conditions of existing orphanages. "Dude, those things were nasty," according to Zealand, "I mean, dirt floors, no glass in the windows, leaky roofs, it was whack." With some seed money from his parents and their rich, suburban neighbors and corporate contributions, he established New Hope last summer. "We've got 20,000 square feet of orphan nirvana! Fridges full of Coke or Pepsi, depending on who the current sponsor is, Pringles and Ruffles chips, dip – Dude, everything!". Asked about the skate park, Zealand lamented, "The little dudes are too weak to skate right now, but we're working with GNC and Red Bull on getting their strength back."

Peter Parkinson, a sixth-grader at Livingston, was initially contemptuous of the latest relief effort. "Last year, it was orphans in Ecuador, before that, Bangladesh, but I'm ok with the skate park orphans. Me and my buds put our heads together and donated Tully's old Xbox to the little dudes."

Christiansenson is pleased with the reaction of the students this year. "Last year, they didn't have much enthusiasm for the Ecquadohicky orphans. The blankets they made were sloppy and ugly. This year, things are different."

Zealand has plans for expansion. "I'd like to truck in some snow and get the little dudes in a half-pipe."

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