UnNews:North Korea apologizes for blowing up China
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 07:05:59 (UTC) |
| North Korea apologizes for blowing up China | 
|
20 October 2006
 |
UnNews Audio (file info) |
| Listen to this story! | |
Problems playing this file? You might be a dope. |
|
P'YONGYANG, North Korea -- North Korean leader Kim Jong Il expressed his deepest sorrow and personal regret for mistakenly having destroyed 99.999% of the Chinese mainland in what he called a "freak nuclear accident" yesterday.
The People's Republic of China (PRC), having coincidentally sided with the United States in imposing draconian sanctions on the Democratic People's Republic of Korea (DPRK) in response to their toying with puny nuclear toys, is still struggling to recover from the disaster. The source of the horrific explosion was ultimately traced to a leaky mine shaft in suburban Kilchu; apparently, a large natural deposit of weapons-grade plutonium 244 caught fire from a misplaced (and likely defective) imported South Korean cigarette lighter, which subsequently exploded entirely in China's general direction with the force of billions of gigatons of radioactive TNT. The resulting detonation caused the entire Chinese tectonic plate to flip upside down like a gigantic round waffle, trapping billions of billions of billions of billions of incoherently-screaming Chinese people deep underneath the flaming continental landmass. Other than a few tipped-over cows, there were no reported casualties on the North Korean peninsula itself.
Puzzled scientists in the United States are still poring over puzzling scientific satellite photography and puzzling seismological readings, trying to scientifically determine if there is any possible correlation (scientific or otherwise) between these recent puzzling events and a magnitude 1337 earthquake which was registered on detectors as having occurred within the same two minute time-frame.
This morning, the surviving Chinese (all 5,000,000 of them) demanded an immediate apology from the government of North Korea, threatening "We stop birth control", and North Korea's government wasted absolutely no time in complying. The pudgy North Korean dictator, with great sadness in his pudgy face, broke down in tears and sent China a sympathy card and flowers and a candygram and promised the remnants of Chinese civilization that it would not happen again, and that he would personally help in relief efforts to restore China to its former People's Republican glory. However, some impartial United Nations observers in the intermediate vicinity highly suspect that the devious Premier Kim may be a great deal more devastated about having lost, in one fell swoop, billions of billions of highly-enriched plutonium of which he didn't even know they (the North Koreans) were sitting right on top of, all within easy reach. Needless to say, the immense irony is incalculable.
Shortly after this event, the Wookee civilisation of Kashyyyk expressed their outrage with North Korea, and have sent a squad of berserkas to deal with Kim Jong Il 2. The United Sates has called on the help of Australia, who inherited the USA's armed forces after George Bush lost a drinking bet at a pub to John Howard. New Zealand have also expressed their sympathies and their desire to help, and are currently sending their entire armed forces to North Korea, a dingy and a Sheep farmer. Russia has also pledged their support for China, and will be sending in their Vodka divisions first, in an attempt to out drink the North Koreans and destroy their economy by winning bets at bars.
Kim Jong Il decleared a national day of celebration, involving a parade where thousands of the great populace of the Democratic People's Republic bathed in tomato soup.
Sources[edit]
- "Report: Kim sorry about N. Korea nuclear blast". MSNBC, Oct 20, 2006