UnNews:No additional bodies found

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We distort, you deride ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 11:54:59 (UTC)
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31 March 2014

The search path through the Indian Ocean resembles the path of an elderly man who misplaced his spectacles. This, however, is a flowchart of the Health Care Web Site.

WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Authorities in various parts of the world reported that no bodies have been recovered from the site of any of the disasters since the previous report.

In the southern Indian Ocean, no additional bodies have been recovered from the presumed crash of mysterious Malaysian Airways Flight 666. Searchers flying over the continent-sized crash region had spotted dozens of orange objects and hoped that they were the bodies of gauche American tourists wearing garish Hawaiian shirts to draw attention to themselves, but the manifest showed that the passengers were mostly Chinese, who usually wear gray and try to stay out of sight.

Meanwhile, in Oso, Washington, rescuers saw no traces of new corpses in the square-mile-wide mudslide that occurred 9 days ago. The searchers here mainly hope not to dredge up half a corpse in the jaws of a bulldozer. Authorities plan to send archaeologists from Hamburger University into the disaster with combs and whisk brooms to carefully search for cadavers, should the Pacific Northwest weather unexpectedly brighten.

Finally, here in the capital, the search continues for any healthy Americans who successfully logged into Obamacare.gov, typed in their entire medical history, how much they smoke and drink, and in what room they keep their guns, in order to get a quote for health insurance that obeys the new law and includes free birth-control pills and gender reassignment counseling. Presidential spokesman Art Carney said Mr. Obama's twice-scaled-back goals for the system have been met, even without additional waivers or extensions of the deadline. However, no survivors at all have reached the offices of any insurance company, because the code to forward data and payments to insurers has not yet been written — a nagging detail but surely nothing that will get in the way of treatment at a hospital.

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