UnNews:Montana official fish and game policy: blow it up

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5 June 2015

Light the fuses, boys! We gonna have us some hamburger tonight.

HICKSVILLE, Montana -- The Montana Fish and Game Department (MFGD) has announced permits for exotic hunts using "enhanced techniques." These will replace traditional firearms with mortars, hand grenades, sticks of dynamite, and, for an extra fee, car bombs.

MFGD, in the red financially for several years, hopes the new permits increase its revenue. Officials caution that the program needs a few final tests, but a call from local Green Peace chapter president Boyd Turner, provided just such an opportunity.

On May 30th, 2015, Turner had been out hiking wearing nothing but hiking boots and his Valentines Day boxers, a practice which he says helps him feel closer to nature. At about 11:15 AM Turner spotted a new-born moose calf coming across a meadow headed directly for him. Fearing that the mother moose was close by and might not take kindly to his proximity to the calf, he turned and ran like a little girl. In his flight from the worst terrors of the forest, he happened to come across a morbid scene of a mother moose who had died giving birth to twins, of which only one had survived. Turner immediately stopped running and, looking back, saw the calf still following him with what could only be described as a moose version of crocodile tears.

Feeling compassion for the orphaned creature, Turner went to the calf and began to comfort it as best he could. The moose, only hours old, followed Turner to his truck where Turner had a gallon of milk, which he lovingly fed to the grateful moose. Turner gave the moose the name Bambino in honor of another orphaned woodland creature. However, realizing that his condominium had a very strict no-moose policy, Turner next did the only thing he could. He called MFGD authorities to report the creature. He assumed at the time that the moose would be taken to a local zoo, and cared for.

An hour and a half later, an MFGD truck with a large trailer arrived. Turner was initially relived that a trailer had been brought to safely take the animal out of the dangerous woods. Turner had been expecting the MFGD to send a team of vets for the animal, and that's exactly who did show up; just not the kind of vets he was expecting. A burly group of Gulf War veterans jumped out of the pickup and withdrew a mobile bomb shelter from the trailer, into which Turner was ushered. The shelter had a narrow slit on one side that was large enough to throw something through, and he could see through the opening that the moose been tied to a nearby tree. Inside the shelter was a veritable arsenal of weapons and explosives. Only then did it dawn on Turner what was in store for the moose.

Turner was outraged and tried to leave the shelter, but it had been locked and he was unable to exit. So he began to express his outrage to the MFGD conservation employees in the most vulgar of terms he could conceive. The men, completely unaffected by the nearly unprecedented string of profanity which spewed forth from Turner's mouth, merely nodded at the oldest worker there. The worker, casually turned, grabbed a stick of dynamite from the counter, lit the fuse, let it burn down for a bit, then forced it into Turner's hand.

"You gonna stand there and gripe at us," said the worker to Turner, "or are you gonna hunt?"

The following Monday, the MFGD reported successful tests for the new hunting methods. The official report stated that even the most novice of hunters could be successful in taking game using the enhanced methods.