UnNews:Miliband tolerates Russell Brand for fifteen minutes

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29 April 2015

"What about us Ponderland life eh eh?"

LONDON, England -- Ed Miliband has yet again surprised voters by managing to put up with Russell Brand for fifteen minutes. The Labour leader has smashed the nine-minute record held by Newsnight and managed to remain conscious, lucid and only retched four times during his time with Mr Brand, surprising even the most hardened renal nurse.

Appearing after a three-hour post-interview shower, the Labour leader said it was by far the most challenging point of his political career to date, but proves he is a hard campaigner and tough leadership material.

After two minutes, eyes started moving towards the clock, as it was evident Miliband had been holding his breath up to this point, giving answers such as “sknnneww” and “krrruerk” through gritted teeth and bluing lips.

The breakthrough came as he was forced to draw breath to prevent loss of consciousness. “I was afraid that passing out in front of Brand was too easy an option,” said the Labour leader. “Peter Hitchings hit the deck after three minutes and I knew I was heading that way as soon as the noise of the buzzing flies started to fade in my ears. There was no way I was going to let a right-wing polemicist manage to sit near Brand longer than me, it would be election suicide.

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“Actually, considering the proximity causing pumping adrenaline and the overwhelming urge to bolt, I almost got my heart rate under control, but the rising waves of nausea were tough. I was just about managing to hold things in, but every time Brand went on about inequality in society, I thought of this scabby, twittering idiot’s multimillion-pound salary the urge to barf was overwhelming.”

The move might prove to be a good one, though, as the video has been viewed over 200,000 times, surpassing the Labour Party’s Political Broadcast figures by a factor of 133; although it is not clear whether viewers are young voters, free divers or just those enjoying watching the Labour leader’s head go purple and veiny.

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