UnNews:Mexican develops apple-based fuel

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Wednesday, May 29, 2024, 01:51:59 (UTC)

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21 May 2014

Mr. Argüello, who grew up on an apple orchard, has an obvious interest in keeping the price of apples low.

CHIHUAHUA, Mexico -- A scientist here has devised a way to convert apples into motor fuel that he claims will be competitive with gasoline and ethanol.

José Paulo Argüello, of the Agrotechnology Sciences Faculty, said that the new fuel will underprice competing fuels, even considering the cost of making fuel lines and pumps wider to accommodate the apples as they roll toward the engine.

In Chihuahua, a kilogram of corn currently costs 5 pesos (US$0.00), whereas a kilogram of apples costs 1 peso (US$0.00). Mr. Argüello says the commercial implications are obvious: National petroleum monopoly Pemex would have at least 4 pesos (US$0.00) left over, which could either be embezzled or paid out as bribes to legislators.

The Pemex logo could be redone in red, to emphasize apples as fuel.

The research follows the American ethanol craze, a government-backed move to convert the U.S. corn harvest into motor fuel, which had the unplanned effect of making the price of corn and other grains skyrocket, and unexpectedly made the popular Mexican tortilla unaffordable as well.

Mr. Argüello had no comment on competing projects to commercialize cockroach-based motor fuel, given that the popular insect retails for even less per kilogram than apples in this northern Mexican city; nor about the gathering trend to stop inventing alternatives to gasoline entirely and simply use fracking to produce more of it.