UnNews:Long John Silver: I divested from Treasure Island
| We have met the enemy, and he is us | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Sunday, December 22, 2024, 04:53:59 (UTC) |
| Long John Silver: I divested from Treasure Island | 
|
12 April 2016
LONDON, United Kingdom -- T'was a rumbustious parliamentary debate in his Majesty's Houses of Parliament yesterday. The King's First Minister, Long John Silver (Tory:Taxhaven-on-Sea) defended his private offshore investments in Treasure Island following reports that his former feathered business associate Captain Flint squawked to professional scribblers in Panama City on the Spanish Main. Flint has claimed Silver had been a beneficiary of a secret account located inside a wooden sea chest.
In rowdy scenes with objects thrown across the chamber between Tory and Whig MPs, Silver explained that his 'hands were now very clean' and that he had nothing left to hide except a deep hole in the sand.
"My investment in Treasure Island was set up by my late Scottish father Ian Slicker 'Quick' Silver. The money was buried there to keep it cool from the confiscatory financial business practises of the last Whig government. I am absolutely confident that my father did this honestly and without intent to deprive money for the deserving poor widows and orphans of England. I no longer have access to the account, as it was acquired by my father's former business associates Ben Gunn, Squire Trelawny and Jim 'Jimbo' Hawkins. It would have cost me an arm and a leg but I got a limb discount."
Silver's explanation did not impress opposition leader Robinson Crusoe (Radical:Johnny Rotten Borough). Wearing his usual attire of animal skins and furry boots, Crusoe lambasted Silver for his 'mealy mouthed' explanations. He was loudly supported by his fellow radicals and Whigs including Peter Pan (Whig:Neverland North) and Wendy Darling (Whig:Prigtown). Silver in turn was cheered on by his fellow Tory MPs Captain Hook (Tory:Crocodile Creek) and Edward Blackheart Blackbeard (Tory:Cidershire). There were also cries of 'Bag o'Shite', 'Bag o'Shite' directed at various honorable and dishonorable members.
Speaker Blind Pew (Independent:Buccaneershire) attempted to keep order until he fell over and was ridden down by a pack of hounds owned by Black Dog (Tory:Crooktown). The House of Commons was adjourned for the day to clean up the mess.
Sources[edit]
- Staff Hack "Long John Dave Silver's investments". BBC, April 12, 1716