UnNews:Leader of Ireland's Catholics says God is 'ok with kiddy fiddling'

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2 May 2012

Well-known Catholic priest Father Jack was recently held up as a paragon of Catholic mores and values by Cardinal Brady.

Dublin, Ireland -- Cardinal Brady, the leader of the Irish Catholic Church, announced today that he saw no moral obligation to report paedophilia within the Church as the Bible doesn't say not to fuck children. Questioned following a joint UnNews-BBC probe he was asked what would Jesus do about the information given to him about peadophile priests: 'Well Jesus definitely didn't say it was not cool to fiddle with kids. If we look at the Bible it says plenty about who you should not be sleeping with, other people's wives, men, but not children. If anything the lack of mention about the sexual nature of children seems to pretty much endorse it.'

Asked whether he would resign over these issues Cardinal Brady categorically refuted such a need. He said 'listen if every Catholic priest and cardinal resigned for being related in some manner to a peadophile ring then the Catholic Church would fall apart.' He went on to add that 'clearly the Catholic Church maintains a huge global following as one of the most prominent world religions. If people don't like child abuse then they are free to leave and become a hippy-Buddhist. The fact they don't clearly shows a widespread endorsement for the Catholic Church to continue both covering up and perpetrating thse kind of crimes.'

Ireland may, however, be able to take something from this fiasco as it was recently named number one in terms of people who have been abused in childhood, the first time the the country has led any global table. Eoin O'Macflackhacketty, a victim of abuse in a Catholic School, said 'I am very proud that at last we are being recognised as world leading in at least one field. Although this doesn't help me forget the terrible past I have had, it does at least mean it was worth something.' The Irish Tourism Board is setting up a 'See the Real Doubt Tour' based on 2008 film Doubt, starring Seymour Hoffman. It is hoped that this tour of various Catholic institutions will boost Irish trade balances.


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