UnNews:Kerry vows to go down filibustering
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 14:05:59 (UTC) |
| Kerry vows to go down filibustering | 
|
Kerry will Filibuster "For Freedom!" until Dying Breath[edit]
Washington, January 27 — Following a successful confirmation hearing before the Senate judiciary committee earlier this month, circuit court judge Samuel Alito, President Bush's nominee to replace Justice Sandra Day O'Connor on the Supreme Court, appears to be headed toward a successful confirmation vote on the floor of the Senate next week. Several Democratic Senators in Republican-leaning states have already committed to support Alito's confirmation and all of the Senate's 55 Republicans are expected to vote for the President's nominee.
Nevertheless, one brave warrior has stepped forth to defend both freedom and the honor of his people's women. He will resist the oncoming tyranny of Alito on the battlefield with a grand filibuster until his dying breath. Once he gets back from Switzerland.
They may take our lives, but they'll never take our freedom...
Or our ability to legislate intrastate matters...
Or our ability to racially discriminate when we have good intentions... 
~ John Kerry
Many of Kerry's fellow Democrats have criticized him, saying that attempting a filibuster now would be futile because Alito already has the 60 supporters needed to quash a filibuster, and a failed attempt might weaken the party. Senator Biden, while opposed to Alito, has suggested that the Democrats should "save their gunpowder" noting that their position as gun control activists makes it very difficult to get more. Kerry has rejected this argument for political expediency, saying that "this is a historic vote" and that he will "prevent the nomination or die trying."
Meanwhile, some Republicans have reacted with glee, saying that the move by Kerry will rally together any Republicans who may have been wavering and cause them to support the nominee. Some speculate, however, that Kerry is pushing a filibuster not to defeat Alito but to fire up his Democratic base, reguardless of whether he also fires up his opponents as well. "This is a Democracy. That means that the winner is whoever can get the people who are already going to vote for their side the most fired up will win," said Kerry, "reguardless of the relative size of each base, right?"
Republicans are not intimidated by Kerry, however. "We will meet him on the battlefield of the Senate floor and best him," said the confident Senate majority leader, Bill Frist, who has dismissed the notion that Kerry could succeed in a filibuster. "We will match him until his vocal chords are raw and bleeding," added Frist, who has said that even if the filibuster appeared to be successful, Republicans could always vote to amend the rules of the Senate to require a majority vote — the so called nukular option. "We can just remove the Senate's long-standing check on majority power with a simple majority vote," explained Frist, noting that "this could never come back to bite us in the ass."