UnNews:Japan celebrates Health Day by clearing typhoon debris

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14 October 2019

One of the activities performed, the Hagibis Hustle, was not very well received.

CHIBA, Japan -- Japan celebrated Health and Fitness Day — its holiday meant for promoting an active, healthy lifestyle — by cleaning up all the debris left by Typhoon Hagibis. Hagibis, which sounds like a crappy traditional Scottish dish, hit Japan. It left over 50 people dead, hundreds injured — a few dozen faking it — left a tornado as a going-away gift, and gave Chiba a much-needed bath. It left tens of thousands of people without power, but fortunately, they all had emergency Pikachus to generate some more. Teachers had children play "Kamikaze Klimb," in which they raced to climb un-downed power lines, and those who weren't electrocuted while fixing the exposed wires won. Other games included "Banzai Bash," "Hagibis Hustle," and Fukushima had a local variant of a three-legged race. Parents had their kids play "Hey son, swim to the bottom of the flood and tell me how it smells!"

Backup power had to be generated somehow.

To promote good health and livelihood, the people celebrated by doing activities such as tending to the wounded and burying the dead. Afterward, they all headed to the soup kitchen to get some bukkake noodles. "The sight and smell of digging up rotting bloated corpses can really work up an appetite!" said one resident. Some people wondered if those who went missing were really people who doused themselves in invisible ink in order to get away from their crappy lives, but the government confirmed they ran out of it after using all of it to hide from the typhoon.

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Salarymen were relieved to know that the typhoon hit Japan on a weekend, so they wouldn't need to spend any additional time away from work. Of course, some still went in their closed offices on Saturday. "Who else would carry out the important task of keeping their desks warm when the power went out?" said one local salaryman. To try to stretch how long they could stay away from not working, some salarymen had called in to their families to report that they couldn't attend the activities and had to stay at work because they contracted "Typhoid Hagibis."

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