UnNews:High-heeled shoes for babies hit UK

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4 December 2008

Little Maya Lambrini, aged two months, models the shoes.

Britain, England -- Just in time for the Christmas rush, the latest trend to hit British shores and stores from the USA has gone on sale nationwide - high-heeled shoes for babies, in sizes suitable for new-born to six months. The shoes, expected to prove a massive success with Britain's chav population, retail at £20. Fears that the shoes may be detrimental to the development of the feet in such young children are entirely unfounded, says agent and importer Julia Cumm-Staynes, 27. "The shoes are, like, well soft and stuff, you know? So they ain't gonna hurt yer babies feet none, innit? And anyway, if you put any weight on the heels they just kind of collapse so it ain't like they'll walk in 'em, bless 'em, is it? 'Course, that does mean that if yer baby is learnin' to walk they's gonna fall over a lot and proably smash their 'ead in, but they don't 'alf look cute in 'em. It's all just a bit of a laugh really, innit?"

Shoppers were eagerly snapping up the shoes on Oxford Street this morning, where our reporter spoke to Shiraz Jenkins, 15, of Chavham in Kent. "My little gel, Chardonnay Kylie is gonna look the bizz in these, they'll go really well with the diamante earring studs we got her out of Argos last week when she turned four months old. I got 'er these proper nice red ones to go with the red minidress she's gonna wear at our Christmas party. Her uncles give 'er money if she dances for 'em, they do, which is proper well good 'cos it means I don't 'ave to give 'er no pocket money and I can buy more cider and fags."

However, Shazza Bailey, 16, of Harlow New Town in Essex wasn't so impressed. "I come dahn 'ere today to get my daughter Jordan Dallas what's five months old some pink ones but when I went up to the counter this old biddy what was servin' said they don't come in pink. I was well gutted 'cos pink's the only colour what'll match 'er thong and bra what I got 'er out of Asda."

Tracy Jones, 14, of Reading had brought her daughters Cheryl, Kimberley, Nadine, Nicola and Sarah - named after the members of popular all-girl group Girls Aloud - shopping with her, explaining that the oldest girl was missing a day at school to come but it didn't matter because she was only going to be doing unimportant subjects like maths today. "Don't they look proper good in 'em," she remarked as her little girls paraded in front of shoppers dressed as members of the pop group and performing their dance routines. Our reporter agreed that yes, they looked very nice, at which point Ms. Jones exclaimed, "You sayin' my little gels look nice, are ya? Fuckin' pervert! Oi everyone - look out, this bloke's a fuckin' paedo!"